Kimmie, going back to the McQ message, why do you think 3 years is an "unreasonable" time for some people not to be able to get over it. Some people never get over it. I agree that if they aren't going to be able to get over it, they shouldn't use the face that they can't forgive/accept to torment the other person. But, surely you can empathize with her hurt, no?
(I agree that he shouldn't move out, I just wonder if it's constructive to frame her as "an abuser" instead of someone that is hurt and can't forgive/accept [yet?]).
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I do empathize, but he is remorseful. Her self-indulgent crap is not so useful three years after the fact. If she were really done, she would leave; just get as far away from him as possible.
But no, she wants him to leave and keeps playing games and throwing the past in his face.
PS: I see you found your way to robx's thread. EXCELLENT!! Follow his lead.
So now with my GAL plan i want to play softball, but now i dont know if that is a good idea or not. That is compounded because when i had an affair i need girls and she didnt want to play so i made the mistake of asking the OW to come play and help out. We had already stopped the PA, and she had come to play. Anyway the W shows up and gets upset for obvious reasons....
Originally Posted By: Kimmie Lee
And I will repeat:
Your w has become the emotional abuser now.
I still don't get it. You are saying something of along the lines of:
if you were to stab me repeatedly in the chest with a knife while stealing my wallet and I try to push you away, I'm the assiliant? and that because you stabbed me in the chest not once but several times I should just hand you my wallet?
question....do the vows for better or worse include or not include cheating? Does breaking that vow mean that the hurt spouse now can forget about the worse part? Its one thing that i have struggled with.. A few months back the W said that since i broke that vow she didnt have to honor the or worse part that was only for if i lost my job, got sick,,,etc. I said well you came back and recommitted to the M. She said no i did not recommit i was gonna try and get over it, which now i see i just cant stop thinking about it....Again that was several months ago. Also what is work on a relationship? does that mean going to conuseling? Reading a book, keeping it buried up??? What are some of the things that the hurt people did to help overcome the pain and hurt?
me 36 W 33 s-6 s-4 together since 1991 married Dec 2000 9years first affair before we where married. Second affair 1/2007 Gone Nov,2007 Back June 2008. ILYBNILY---i cannot believe you did this 7/22/2010
I think that is left up to the individual couple's interpretation. Your for better or worse may not be someone else's definition of that and vice versa. Same goes for "working on a relationship."
As for the hurt people, they can try to find ways to help themselves recover.
My wife has been a frequent questioner of what it means to "work on a relationship." That's why a good, solution based counselor is worth their weight in gold. That's not to put all of the onus on a counselor. You need to lead in your own reconciliation, if that's the point you're at. I think that if there's one thing that can save a troubled relationship, it's improving your listening skills. I wouldn't be here today if I knew that 10 years ago.
As to the vows...
My belief is that when there's been adultery or if one person has "left" the marriage (not separation, but divorce) the vows are null and void. Your mileage may vary.
I think you need to just drop the rope, stop talking to her except to say something like, "You're right. I can see that you just can't get past what happened, so it's best that you move out and move on."
Stop trying to convince her. It just makes you look weak. Plus, she'll have to find someone else to punish. And she will.
My wife has been a frequent questioner of what it means to "work on a relationship."
Please tell me you are on that like a dog on a bone?! She's telling you a lot with that statement. Ask any woman if they want more "work" at home. "Relationship" what does that mean in a marriage? Should you really be "working" on something you love?
Stop using that phrase with her. Catnip makes it play. Play makes it fun. Fun is not work.
"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
coach what i think of work is doing things that make life fun, that was why a few months back i had asked her to do some fun things together...she didnt want to connect...unless it was something for the boys. If it was something for us, she was not into it. She had told me that she had just enjoyed doing the things i wanted to do. But now she had not wanted to do any of those things anymore. She had said that this one billboard had made her upset everytime she saw it. It was a place that i had taken a lady to one time before we where ever married over 10yrs ago. She said everytime she saw that sign it would bring back bad memories for her and she would start to cry. Again this conversation was months ago. i could see her disconnecting and sliding down and there was nothing i could do to help. She had said a comment about a picture of our son and us in it...she said it was fake...it was a picture of us all smiling at chuckecheese... she said she was faking it the whole time.....
me 36 W 33 s-6 s-4 together since 1991 married Dec 2000 9years first affair before we where married. Second affair 1/2007 Gone Nov,2007 Back June 2008. ILYBNILY---i cannot believe you did this 7/22/2010
