MM, first I want to tell you what you did took courage. A lot of courage. Jumping out into the dark unknown is scary and many people don't ever take the leap, they are pushed there by their sitch.
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He said why don't I just get an apartment and save the money? I said do you really want to jump to that point? Are you telling me you are done and we are not trying at all for the girls?
No MM. You are telling him YOU ARE DONE. This put a crack in your boundary but you can shore it back up. Don't let him decide what's going on. Take ALL of your power back. "I will not live in an open marriage. I am done. You are choosing what you want and I do not want to be a part of it."
I think Greek did a good job of pointing you in the right direction. The questioning about him bringing up an apartment was a moment of weakness for you. You drew the boundary, he called you on it and went further with it than you anticipated. Ok, just breath and understand what happened. It's ok.
Next time you might want to say, "Why are you asking me? Do whatever you want. Hotel, apartment, it's your choice. It's your life and you've made your choice. I have my own plans to make and I can't be bothered helping you figure out yours."
Your tendency is going to be wanting to crack. Make a plan. Figure out what you want.
I assume you don't want a husband who has OW. That's obvious to me. Now, assuming he keeps up this nonsense what are you going to do?
Make a schedule of when he takes the kids so you have time to do things for yourself. Let him feel what it's like to be a 'single' dad. And I'm not talking about 30 minutes here and there. Let him feel what it's like to be working the job he has and having to take care of two young children.
Let him feel what's it like to not have a W standing there while he cake-eats.
Let you feel what it's like to focus on you and getting YOUR needs met.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Let him feel what's it like to not have a W standing there while he cake-eats.
Well said, in fewer words than I was trying to say.
You are new at this, so I felt you did well considering. You put your foot down, at least. You got the suitcase out, and had the address of the hotel. You have stated your case. Now, with a better understanding of furthering your boundaries, you will be better prepared next time.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I am going to need to digest more of what Greek said tomorrow. I'm feeling pretty crappy and numb at the moment (and physically ill - not sure if it's from not eating or just nausea for some other reason).
Thanks for all the input though. BeingMe - he really is gone that much - 13-15 hrs a day and 'supposed to' get off 4 calendar days a month (so 2 weekends). At prior job that never happened and he'd gone 3 consecutive months without a day off.
Greek - why Saturday? Only because my plan was to let him sleep here tonight and put the suitcase in the car. He works tomorrow at 5:30am until Saturday at noon so he'd check in then......
However, I didn't keep my trap shut. He said can I sleep here Saturday to spend Sunday with the kids and then check in Sunday night or Monday? And I said if you can not contact OW while you are here so I don't feel disrespected in my home. He said oh YOUR home? And I just said well it's your home too, but I'm the one not involving a 3rd party and keeping up my end of the vows. He didn't like that much.
As it stands now, he will come home Saturday to sleep a few hours (he's on call as trauma attending tomorrow so he will not sleep at all for 30+ hours) and Saturday night we will discuss whether he is going to the hotel or going to get a one year lease somewhere.
I know it's not DB'ing advice. I am trying very hard to follow it but I am SO SCARED. I WANT my family to stay intact more than anything. If he's willing to talk Saturday I want to hear what he has to say. I did not move 500 miles from everything I have ever known, give away half of my possessions, and uproot my children only to have this blow up like this. It's still unfathomable to me that this is actually my life.
Let's hope that script kicks in good tomorrow because I need something!
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
And I just said well it's your home too, but I'm the one not involving a 3rd party and keeping up my end of the vows.
Good comeback. You can also refer to it as the marital home, and the OW should not be allowed to enter it, even through the phone, if he has any respect for your vows and his children who are a product of your M.
Have you thought of contacting one of the telephone DB counselors? I believe they are very good.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
However, I didn't keep my trap shut. He said can I sleep here Saturday to spend Sunday with the kids and then check in Sunday night or Monday? And I said if you can not contact OW while you are here so I don't feel disrespected in my home. He said oh YOUR home? And I just said well it's your home too, but I'm the one not involving a 3rd party and keeping up my end of the vows. He didn't like that much.
Sometimes the right thing to do is NOT to keep your trap shut. You did really well. Yes it is your home. It's not just about a house. You aren't the one who brought a third wheel into your home, he did.
I'm sure he didn't like it much. The LBS often allows themselves to be a doormat because they are afraid to push the WAS 'over the edge'. When you stand up and stick the truth right in their face they don't like that at all. Well he needs to smell the pile of sh!t he's building. So good for you.
I know you're scared. We all know that. It took courage to do what you did. Courage is acting IN SPITE of the fear.
Look at the cold reality of it. He has OW. Period. That's the hard truth that needs to be swallowed. We can do all the what ifing and wishing in the world, but the truth remains the truth.
He isn't acting like a MAN. He's acting like a boy. You need to treat him that way. He's acting like a coward and he knows it. When you call him on it, it's gonna bang him up. Like all WAS they want to ignore reality and build this fantasy world in their heads where they can rationalize all kinds of irresponsible behavior. That's where he is at right now.
Look at it. Look hard at it. He isn't resembling anything like an adult. He took on responsibilities when he got married. He took on responsibilities when he had children. Now on a big level he's choosing to pretend in his mind that he's being responsible - he's being selfish and self centered. That's the reality of it.
Is this the kind of role model he wants to be for his kids?
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
So here is the latest - I went into his email today (that he gave me the password to). He had emailed OW today b/c it's her birthday. She wrote back and end it 'I love you'. So I composed an email back to her, copied him, and bcc'ed myself that said 'It's great you love each other. Happy Birthday OW. I hope you guys have a great life together. Glad I got the two best parts of H named D1 and D2' ~MM78
And I texted him that I would put clothes in his car, do not come in my house. Text what he needs and I'll leave it on the porch.
I have a call in to a lawyer and my old IC.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
This is so hard, isn't it? Standing up for ourselves and at the same time wanting to be a family again. Good for you sticking up for yourself! Smart call to the IC. I have a new one here, her suggestion was to journal (though I think part of writing here is journaling, but there is so much more to say). I've never tried it as a therapy, but if it helps me process my emotions, I'm all for it.
Stay strong.
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
So he changed his email password. Back to hiding things I guess.
The kids and I are headed home at the crack of dawn tomorrow (9 hr drive). I'll be gone a week, when I return he will go to a hotel for a week, and then I'll take the girls on vacation with my family while he is at the house for a week. He wants some 'time to think and we can talk later'. All I want to know 'later' is if he has extracted his head from his anus yet or is still walking around with it shoved up there. I'm going to tour a few apartments back in home town this weekend but we both have agreed not to make any large purchases or sign any leases without consulting the other right now. But if I see a place that works, my mom and I have a joint checking account and she can go put a deposit down if I am back here and decide that is what to do.
I have not heard from the lawyer yet.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
MM I know it's tough and one of the hardest things you'll probably ever have to do. But you are standing up for yourself. You are making plans for yourself and your kids.
You stopped his cake eating and I applaud you.
I probably would have blasted the OW with things like homewrecker, don't you know what you're doing affects two little girls, go find a man for yourself instead of trying to steal someone else's husband, don't you think if he's cheating on me he won't do the same to you...etc. But I'm bad like that...
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
