Puppy I agree. Maybe we need to convene a secret meeting of The Pinheads and take a vote on J28. What that means John is one more screw up and we banish you to the island of misfit DBers.
"nobody wants a Charlie in the box.".
I loooved that show!! Watched it every year at Christmastime. It just wasn't the same when it came out on VHS (and then on DVD), and you could watch it anytime you wanted to.
I know everyone has been mistreated and feels like they have been kicked in the gut. But it's important to not get cynical and lose faith in people.
People can change. People don't change because someone else wants them to. They change when they choose to change or when they are forced by circumstances to change. John, you are choosing to change, to stop trying to manipulate your wife and to be trust-worthy. It sounds like you did a good job of sticking to your convictions tonight. I believe that if your wife wants to stick to her convictions that she can do it too.
You are in a better position than most of the people on this board. Your wife only left the house a few days ago and she is already nostalgic for what she has lost. You and she are going to MC willingly. You and she are signed up for Retrouvaille and both are committed to going with an open mind and a willing heart. Those are all very good indicators. Stick with your convictions and you will do fine.
im sorry Lotus but I disagree. I dont think Johns wife is going willingly, I thinks she is going for the wrong reasons. I really hope I am wrong, but I have kept up with hissitch, and the constant tests, and the games she plays with his head are not what you do when you love and care about someone. I am speaking from my own experience, I feel I have been in a fog myself with what my W has said, but again what she does contradicts what she says. I do beleive that M is not something you play games in, both of our W's have had affairs, and yet it keeps going like this, this is not normal.
I am sorry for the difficult situation you are in. i will make an effort to read your thread and see if there is anything I can suggest. But unfortunately, in the society we live in infidelity is a lot more normal than we would like to believe it is.
And I have been to Retrouvaille. I would say very few of the couples at any given weekend have two spouses motivated to be there. In fact, one of the best stories told by one of the presenting couples at our weekend is of a couple that showed up at Retrouvaille, and before they unloaded their suitcases from the car, the wife tried to run the husband down in the driveway! The Retrouvaille leadership couple went outside and calmed the angry couple down and recommended that they still stay and do the weekend. As it turned out, that couple not only saved their marriage, but they went on to become Retrouvaille team leaders. Surely, they did not go to Retrouvaille in the right frame of mind, but they got a good result.
Retrouvaille is very good at working with unhappy spouses. They don't have a 100% success rate. Some say the success rate is 80%. At our weekend, about 50% of the couples went through the entire program. But a 50% success rate in saving marriages is very good.
I may be more sympathetic to John's wife than you are. I was once a confused young woman myself. My situation was not the same as hers, but I don't believe that she is playing games. Or maybe she did play games, but like a child playing with fire, it got out of hand and she was badly hurt. She is confused by a lot of mixed emotions. Where she would like to see clear direction she only sees problems.
You'd be surprised how many little girls really believe that you just get married and live happily ever after. It takes a long time before you get the life experience to see that no one has the perfect life. Everyone has troubles. Sometimes when you are young, you think that you have troubles because you chose wrong. If only you had chosen differently everything would be perfect. It takes maturity to see that we make our lives, and we can make a good life by acting in good faith. She has a lot to learn about being a good wife. But that's no reason to just throw the marriage away. She spoke to the Retrouvaille people and they asked her in a serious tone of voice if she will go with an open mind and a willing heart. She answered yes. That is all anyone asks of her to walk in the door.
"You told my ONLY friends here in this area something I told you not to! They were MY ONLY FRIENDS. I'm just so ANGRY about it."
"I understand you are upset. Your affair caused me to have a lot of anger to."
Be honest but don't get caught up in her drama. No rescuing her from her behavior, validate her feelings but don't fix it. She tested you by telling you she was angry - she wanted to see if you would rescue her from her feelings. Recognise the script?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks Lotus, I understand a little bit better with your last post. A lot of what you say I believe is what my W feels. We met when she was 20 I was 30. She seems to feel there is more to life, but then doesnt want to see me "move on". Let me know what you think of my sitch.
You're not reconciling right now. Maybe you will be in the future, but for now you can't get ahead of yourself. Same with Retro... She might be in a good place in three weeks, or she might just string limbo along for another month or so.
Are you happy right now? Feel good about yourself? Focus on you. Not on her, or her actions. Focus on your son. Focus on making your life as stable without her, as full as fun as if you just had a near-death experience.
Your heart is going to keep shattering and repairing until she leaves for good. You need to detach.
