trying to be patient

[Bobby]

Thanks FMV. Our communication is basically like friends. There isn't any talk from either one of us about what happened. I don't know how to approach that. She has a wall up so I can't truly tell her how much she means to me, how good she looks, how glad I am she's here.Things that I think she wanted from me years ago that I didn't do.
Sex...none. For a while I thought she was getting close, hugging daily, things were looking like they were going in the right direction. Then when her sister moved, bam, 10 steps backwards. Her sister left her H more than 2yrs ago, started dating a man less than a year and moved to where he lived.Her sister was close to her but is my wife thinking her sister did it why can't I take that step?
I do believe W is in a depression. She came back on sunday from visiting her sister with her family and complained about all the annoying things that happened. It doesn't seem as though anything makes her happy.I listened very intently and with concern and she did feel much better when we were done.
I just don't know how many more slaps(emotional)in the face I can take. The things she doesn't include me in is like she mentally doesn't admit that we are trying to make things work.I don't think she respects me and do believe looks at me as weak.
Her sleeping in a seperate room bothers me horribly, we are roomates. Roomates that laugh and tald together well.

[FindingMyVoice]

There isn't any talk from either one of us about what happened. I don't know how to approach that.

When you say 'what happened', do you mean the separation? Or is there something else there? Sorry to ask, but you mentioned she was seeing someone while you and she were separated. Had she been seeing him prior to that?

Finally, why do you think there isn't any talk about what happened? Why are you both resisting discussing it? And, are either of you (or both) in any kind of counseling?

Sex...none. For a while I thought she was getting close, hugging daily, things were looking like they were going in the right direction.

Yah, that hurts I know. But honestly, I don't think you can expect that until a few other bridges are mended. Try not to take it personally. Just think of it as stepping stones. You'll get there, it's just going to take some time.

I just don't know how many more slaps(emotional)in the face I can take. The things she doesn't include me in is like she mentally doesn't admit that we are trying to make things work.

I'm thinking she's probably pretty confused right now Bobby. She likely wants one thing one minute, then another the next. It sounds like both of your emotions are pretty high right now; like you're both hurting a lot.

[Bobby]

It started with at least a EA. She didn't love me anymore...
I went to counseling when it first happened, she wouldn't go. She said why "so they can tell me how I should feel"
I think I avoid talk for fear of the end. Wimpy huh.
Should I say calmly "we can't sweep this under the rug anymore. What do we need to do to make things better and to correct why this happened?" Does that sound like a good way to start? I have to go somewhere with this, it's not healthy.
Oh, the other thing is I haven't asked for any reassurance that she is not still in contact (through e-mail) with OM
When she was moving back I said no more contact with OM and she said I know that. And that was the last time it was brought up.

[FindingMyVoice]

It started with at least a EA. She didn't love me anymore...

Oh... I'm so sorry to hear that, Bobby.

I went to counseling when it first happened, she wouldn't go. She said why "so they can tell me how I should feel" I think I avoid talk for fear of the end. Wimpy huh. Should I say calmly "we can't sweep this under the rug anymore. What do we need to do to make things better and to correct why this happened?" Does that sound like a good way to start? I have to go somewhere with this, it's not healthy.
Oh, the other thing is I haven't asked for any reassurance that she is not still in contact (through e-mail) with OM. When she was moving back I said no more contact with OM and she said I know that. And that was the last time it was brought up.

Oh dear. Bobby, I'm wondering if you might benefit more in Newcomers right now. There's lots more activity there, and I'm thinking it sounds like you're needing some guidance and support sooner rather than later! I think you might get more feedback, and quicker, there.

I'm so sorry, I know that having her in the house might make you feel like you're piecing, but it just sounds like there's so much hurt there still... I'm just not sure you guys are 'there' yet. Particularly because she's not willing to speak about it yet, nor see a MC. It sounds like she's doing just like what you're saying - wanting to sweep it under the rug. Granted she might not be doing it maliciously, or even consciously, it might be just that she's so overwhelmed and confused she just doesn't know how to deal with it. But it sounds like you need to deal with it, so it's very important you get some support. What do you think about trying newcomers?

PS - tell me, why did you stop going to counseling? It sure sounds like you could still use someone to listen. Plus, counseling might help you learn how to initiate those tough discussions that it sounds like you need to have with your W.

Take care, FMV.

[Bobby]

I did start in newcomers. Learned alot about DBing ,then when W came back home I Quit, then came here. My counseler ,at the time W was gone, said I was doing very well and all she was doing was listening to me. This after about 2 mo. worth.
Trying to get closer to my wife has been going on for years now. Then she tells me turned to OM because I wasn't there for her.

[FindingMyVoice]

Trying to get closer to my wife has been going on for years now. Then she tells me turned to OM because I wasn't there for her.

So... I've got a few questions for you then.

If your communication patterns are more that of friends rather than intimate partners, how much of the real story about what she needs from you, do you think you've heard?

Have you initiated meaningful discussions with her about the separation, the EA, and about both your roles in the disconnection of your M? If so, how does she react?

I've had to initiate some pretty serious discussions with my H - who for would then dismiss, blame, change subjects, argue etc. in reaction. If you could tell us some of her typical responses, perhaps the folks here can come up with some strategies to help you circumvent any tactics she's using to avoid dealing with the problems, and maybe help bridge the distance that's still dividing you. Just a thought!

[Bobby]

Thanks FMV. I intend on haveing a calm, nonpressured talk with W. It's long overdue. Timing is everything and she's been working long hours and hasn't been in a good mood lately.
I'm thinking this "We need to communicate better, you keep me at a distance emotionally and if you could tell me what I need to do that I wasn't giving you before I could work on it.This relationship will take some work and we can't just sweep this under the rug.We are both worth the effort it will take".
We both had a copy of 5LL and I told her what my love language was but she never told me hers, at the time she wasn't done with the book yet.

[FindingMyVoice]

Thanks FMV. I intend on haveing a calm, nonpressured talk with W. It's long overdue. Timing is everything and she's been working long hours and hasn't been in a good mood lately.

Do you think the low mood's just about work and the long hours? Or a combination of that and the distance. She's probably feeling it too. Careful of those 'you' statements... try to stick to your feelings if you can.

[Bobby]

Had conversation with wife. Wow. I don't know where,if anywhere I can go with this.
I told my wife we have both been under stress lately and if we could, start working on this with no pressure or obligation. That I've tried to be there emotionally for her but may need some help from her as to what she needs.And understand that until we connect emotionally that we won't connect physically. I promised no pressure for sex because I don't want her to avoid hugging me for fear that I would expect more.And she said she didn't want to lead me on with hugs and felt like she was being forced to hug me.
She said all the things I'm saying now she said for years and i told her not to feel that way back then. I said I'm here now with open arms and a loveing heart. She said she knows I've changed but she has molded herself from those times and is different now. And said we get along good but there is something missing. And that she can't say more than she just goes day to day.
She said there's something, that I call MLC, that she's trying to figure why she's not happy.
There I told you wow.She has mo commitment to try. I did say we should try to find those pieces that are missing or have someone help us find them but got no response.

[Bobby]

Anybody have comments to my post above? W gets very upset with the books that say you can change how you feel, and you can regain love. She brought that up on her own about a book I gave her some time back.