Hello Everyone. I have been reading a lot of posts the last few weeks and read some really great advice from the veterans. So I thought I would post my saga, though it does not paint me in the greatest light. I am 49 and this is my second marriage my W is 28 and her first marriage, no children. We have been married for 4.5 yrs and together for 6 yrs.
I know what you are going to say and believe me I have heard the comments since we have been together. My first wife left me due to my intense business travel, she wanted and executive for a husband, but did not realize what it required. Anyway, I met my second wife during my divorce, which was probably not a good idea...I think it is called a rebound.
My second wife was going to school to become an RN via an excellerated nursing program. I continued to travel mostly international and my trips would last 2 to 3 weeks. To make a long story short 2 yrs ago I had an EA with someone that lasted about 3 months. I was traveling about 65% of the time and my W was expending 120% of her time towards her school. At the same time I allowed family and friends opinion about the age difference influence me. I started to think that my W would leave once she recieved her RN.
I told my W that I was falling in love with someone else and wanted a D, so I guess I was a potential WAS. Of course she was upset and left for a few days to stay with a friend. The next few months she concoted two schemes to get me jealous and it worked, I know I am primative. I realized that if she went to that extent that she must really love me.
So I told the OW that it was over and it was really over. The next 6 months I did everything to make it up to her, showered her with gifts took her parachute jumping and took her to the Caribbean. I did everthing, but erase the memory of the OW. In face it became a joke that if my wife did leave me that the OW was my "plan B". My W would joke about it as well. During my EA my W exposed the affair and read some of the texts messages, which she remember verbatum.
We never addressed the EA it just became a standing joke and all this time she internalized the issue. In the meantime I became more and more paranoid (Edgar Allen Poe's Tale-tell Heart)thinking that if I had an EA she could to. I was 50lbs overweight and she is young and attractive. So I put Spyware on our pc. I did not discover an affair, but I did notice around October that everytime that we had a fight, usually started by my paranora that she would look for an apartment.
I am not a great spy so I would confront her each time with her queries, which just added fuel to the fire of a WAW. So the 3 big issues that impacted our marriage was the 1. the stress of the divorce from my 1st W, my EA to WAS, and my control issues.
Now that is the dim light, I also helped her with her RN by editing all of her papers; my lowest score was a B+, pretty good for and engineer. I also wrote her resume', letter requesting an interview and Thank You letters. All of the money that she earned at the hospital went towards school. So she graduated debt free with a car fully paid for.
So the week before she left we were like newly weds, except the Wednesday before July 4th that is when I heard LYBNILWY. An hour later she was crying embracing me and kissing me telling me that she did not mean it. That Friday I took a half day off and we were again like newly weds. Great passion and we just lay in eachothers arms kissing and gazing into eachother eyes. Her eyes were bright and she had this radiant smile. I never saw her pull back from me.
Saturday we took my from my boys from the previous marriage boys out to lunch and had a great time. When we got back I looked at my computer and found out that she signed a lease and was leaving me on July 5th. I did all of the wrong stuff both Saturday and Sunday. She was ironing my shirts and doing laundry after she told me that she was leaving, I guess guilt played a part of that action.
Anyway, she left Sunday, July 4th, but had many of her things still in my house. She had my keys and had free reign up until I requested them two weeks ago. While she was able to get into my house I started to make improvements inside of it (new framed paintings I bought in Madrid, new bed and linens, and new book cases. I probably went a little too far by putting framed pictures of the OW in my house (from her fb profile).I went LRT about two weeks after she left. I found out that she saw a C on August 11th. I went to see this C a week later for intel as well as for my own mental health. I spoke with her for 1.5 hrs and told her my story complete with my W's name.
The C told me as though these are words from my W that she is afraid to come back for the wrong reasons, whatever that means. I broke the LRT to tell my W via email (I do not have her number or address) that she had a doctors appointment in Sept. She actually sent me a Thank you and please keep her informed of any important messages or emails (1st communication and last). So I think the LRT was working, but I got too excited and emailed her two days later and then a day after that.
I envited her via open invitation for a coffee or Diet Coke at a resturaunt in the same town where she lives, so far 2 no shows. Now since I do have Spyware on my computer I have her passwords for her work computer. The emails that I have sent I send to both her school and work email addresses. She has opened all of my emails and has not deleated one of them.
I have since decided to go dark to see if this pulls her in. I have also been working on my low self esteem with a C, joined a gym and lost 40lbs through grief and sweat, stopped watching CNN and Fox because it would just makemy blood boil, and I am doing 180's because I am not normally a patient man, but all of the emails, but one have been positive.
The one frustrated email said "As much as I want this marriage to work I realize that you were right and that it will not. So let us close the chapter of this realtionship so that we can go on with our lives." I told her that I was not angry with her, but angry with myself for giving her all of the reasons to live and not the love, security and respect to stay. Then I asked for my keys and fot her to remove anything else that she wanted. She did this the next day.
So during the begging and pleading my W was kind of laughing it off because I was being sort of sarcastic and humerous (as much as I could be at the time). Then she got really quiet and told me in hurtful eyes that if I really loved her then why did the other woman happen? So I said so this is why this is happening and she said YES! So I told her again that I was scared that when she got her RN thatshe would leave, which she did 2 yrs later.
She told me that she never had this planned that she loved me with all of her heart until I broke it 2 yrs ago. So the EA was her deal breaker. She internalized it for 2 yrs. I found out that her parents are highly emotional so her and her sister have learned to keep negative emotions hidden and only express positive emotions.
So, I have told you my saga. I pretty much created this mess. My W is a wonderful woman, warm and affectionate to me, up until the day that she left. I know it is an uphill journey, but I am willing to give it a go. I also realize that I have to let her go, which I have finally accepted. She is hurt and I am the one who did it. It would would have hurt just as much if it was OM, but I would not be kicking myself so hard if it was. I am GAL just recently joined an over 40's local singles group.
Good luck I don't have any advice if I did I would do the opposite of any thing I say because it would have to work better than anything I've done.
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
I didn't even finish reading your whole story. You aren't going to get very much sympathy from me. Your age difference? - well you were just asking for trouble. Why don't you STOP having emotional and physical affairs on your partners and your life will be so much better.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Not looking for sympathy, but your reaction is what I have witnessed throughout this R. My 1st W left me due the fact that I traveled 65% of the time...got tired of being alone. The 2nd W was probably more of a rebound, but still a deep meaningful connection. The EA was due to my self esteem issues and comments like....
Well, at least you acknowledge and admit what you've done wrong. It's time for you to see an IC regularly and figure out why you've had 2 blown marriages and feel so bad you had to have an affair. Call it an EA or PA- it's still an affair to the other person. Stop spying on her and DETACH. Continue to read from the vets and post more 180s- specific ones. E.g., you seem to travel and work so much- to me, that seems a huge problem in terms of maintaining a stable R. Have you thought about balancing your life a LOT more- when on earth do you make time to see your kids??
I have two wonderful boys that I see 3 days a week and every other weekend accept when I travel. My travel is down to 45% due to the global economic situation so I see my sons more. I am seeing an IC with regard to low self esteem and working those issues....
Hey hurtin, me and at least one other person (didthehurt) also imploded our M's with EA's in the past that boiled back to the surface again 2-3 years later. Particulars of your story are different than mine (see my situation in my sig) but the W's stated explanation of one of the dealbreakers being the past EA is the same.
For any of the vets on here, are you aware of past situations on this forum in which the person trying to do the DBing had committed infidelity and in which DBing (and DB alone) resulted in reconciliation. It seems some acknowledgement of the EA or amends-making or trust-building is necessary beyond LRTing? Or have you seen cases in which pure LRT really did make the heart grow fonder for the WAS and decide to come back and give the LBS a chance to make amends and help them heal?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I have two wonderful boys that I see 3 days a week and every other weekend accept when I travel. My travel is down to 45% due to the global economic situation so I see my sons more. I am seeing an IC with regard to low self esteem and working those issues....
I am glad to hear that they're high priorities to you, that's great. I think it's a good thing for you to travel less. Good for you for seeing an IC- I hope you're putting the effort into it and that it's a good IC for you to get great things out of it.
Thanks for your reply. I guess there a few of us who emploded our marriages with EA/PA on the site and would appreciate any advice that they can offer. I have done a lot of soul searching and reflection during the last seven weeks and I am working on addressing my issues with my IC. I would appreciate any advice in that area as well.
