On two ends of the world..

[ris]

I feel like a disaster today. The last 2 days H worked very long hours so we didn't get to talk much, but we exchanged a few nice emails every morning and evening.

Today he came home from work and was really depressed (We were emailing). He said he can't take it anymore and I could see he was really falling apart. I honestly didn't know what to tell him. I tried validating - paraphrasing what he was saying and expressing my understanding for the situation. (Before I used to deny his negative feelings and try to encourage and build him up instead, and my optimism often annoyed him.)

Then he said he feels like he's a failure at everything and after long thinking of how to acknowledge his feelings but not agree with it (cause obviously... he's not!) said that I understand how this situation makes him feel like that and that I understand it's hard to cope with.

Well that didn't go down well. He said that talking to me about this is awful and he's just going to go. And he did. I just feel like such an idiot.

I sent him another email after that saying that I want to support him but I don't quite know what to say. And that I don't think he's a failure but I understand that his job is bringing him down so much and it's overwhelming. I don't know if he read that last email.

I just feel like such a horrible unsupportive person. He came to me with his problem and instead of making it better I just made him feel worse.

[FindingMyVoice]

Well that didn't go down well. He said that talking to me about this is awful and he's just going to go. And he did. I just feel like such an idiot.

Hi ris, oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear you had such a tough conversation with him. I know you're wanting to do nothing but help and support him, and it can be scary when the problems seem so overwhelming and tough to sort out.

You're not an idiot; you're not a horrible unsupportive person. Try not to call yourself names - believe me, I've called myself every name in the book for 42 years and it does nothing but hurt your ability to think. He's under stress, and he's just reacting right now. He likely just needs time to cool down, and think about how he's going to handle his work problem. You don't control his feelings - he does. Try not to take ownership of his unhappy feelings.

Hang in there, and keep posting today. Have to go to an appointment but I'll check in on you later. Take care, FMV.

[ris]

FMV, Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I'm not really someone to put myself down (or others) but in this situation I feel H's disappointment of our conversation very strongly.

But even now, I don't know how I should have acted. I'm guessing he was maybe looking for some encouragement... but that's what it is - a guess. I know you suggested to ask him what he needs, but when I did it (at another time) he said "It's not your fault" "There's nothing you can do". Which isn't what I asked. I didn't ask how to resolve the problem for him or how to help him resolve it, but when I clarified "What can I do to support you?", he said again "I have no idea, there's nothing you can do".

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that he seems to have expectations that he can't define but is unhappy when they're not met.

I'm thinking of writing him an email and saying that I know that my attempts to cheer him up have often annoyed him so I tried to listen and understand his feelings (?) rather than jump out with trying to make him see the bright side. Then I want to say that I'm not sure whether he needs me there just to listen or should I not hold back the encouragement. I'm sort of afraid he'll say he doesn't know (I know, mind-reading, but I've heard it before so I'd like to prevent it if possible).

On a side note, I just really want to give him a hug and I mention it sometimes, which I think is bad because it makes him realize it's not possible - in similar situations he sometimes commented "Well it's not going to happen for X months so it's not making anything better." (I know he'd like a hug. He said that to me before).

[ris]

I sent him that email half an hour ago. No reply so far, maybe he hasn't read it. I said that I'm not sure how to show him that I care and that I tried not to be all cheery because it used to annoy him. And that I don't want to hold back encouragement, but I don't want him to think I'm discounting his problems and I know it's really tough but I believe in him.

I feel like I'm trying to find happy medium here and slipping to the sides while he doesn't know what he actually wants from me. I think I'd like to talk to him about it, but he's all upset with the situation so I don't know if that would work...

[ris]

I gave him space after that email and I didn't hear from him at all today until he was going to sleep today and emailed me to say goodnight and ILY. I guess that's good? Only if I could get my balance of validation/support for him on track, that would be a step in the right direction....

[ris]

H's first email from work this morning says he hates his life. I asked whether it's his job and he says what the hell else would it be?

I'm SERIOUSLY doing something wrong here!

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi ris, ummm, I don't actually think you're doing anything wrong here. I think the fact that you've been validating, instead of trying to fix, has had the effect of not allowing him to blame you for his unhappiness. Yes he's still lashing out at you, because he likely feels 'safe' doing so. Not justified whatsoever, but usually when we're hurt, the ones we love 'hear about it' first.

I think the reason his unhappiness is 'ramping up' is because now that he has no one to 'blame'. Perhaps he's finally feeling the weight of his unhappiness with work, squarely on the shoulders of the ONLY person who can do something about it - him.

What are your thoughts?

[ris]

Well he hasn't been blaming me for his unhappiness with his work. Recently - in our previous talk and now - he's been unhappy with my support to him because it hasn't been what he expects (whatever that is). I know he makes an effort not to take out his anger on me - it's something that happened before and he's aware of it and trying not to - and I guess he failed in that right now.

Regarding the work, I think the problem is with his low self esteem. He does a good job there, but it's a kind of an environment where it's not acknowledged and he's only yelled at (for a good reason or more often not) and this lack of recognition is driving him up the wall. It radiates on other areas of his life. But it's a hole that is hard to get out of, he would need to start feeling better about himself, but he's constantly put down and it's just a vicious circle. He can't quit his job either which seems like the only sure way of breaking this cycle.

So I don't know, it seems like he doesn't know what to do, moreover he doesn't believe anything can be done (which I guess is understandable from where he stands).

[FindingMyVoice]

Oh gotcha. Sorry I don't think I was explaining what I was thinking very well! Sorry, I said 'blame' but that's not quite what I'd meant. What I was wondering, is - when you were still in 'fix' mode, did that give him the room to avoid actually having to deal with his anger and frustration over work? ie He'd come to you unhappy, you'd try to fix, he'd get angry over you fixing when really the anger is about him feeling helpless/frustrated with his job?

VS

Now you're not trying to fix...he has to feel that anger directly related to the actual situation that's causing it.

Does that make sense? Just a thought - you know him the best so maybe that's not it at all? (Sorry if I'm not communicating well - a bit of a mush-brain today)

[ris]

Okay, I think I understand what you're getting at - he'd still be angry because of feeling frustrated. Anger over me trying to fix him would kind of appear there when it was happening but then subside in a few hours or so, but his frustration would still be there. Is that what you were asking?

Just a note regarding the "I hate my life". I think I've heard it hundreds of times now. I really don't know what new I can say to that. I can't really ask him to be more specific, cause in that sentence he's just spewing anger so I can hardly tell him he's doing it wrong. But I knew it was about his work, I asked hoping he'd just go on about it and there would be something I could actually relate to/validate.


ETA: I think he was angry because it's just the same scenario over and over and he thought that with that question I was acting stupid.