My New LBS Reality

[irishblessings]

Thanks Eric - came home and mowed the lawn. Busy weekend taking my mother home and helping D move. It may sound crazy - but single parenting - even of a 16 year old - is EXHAUSTING! Trying to be "up" and "positive" for him and keep a "normal" structure going is HARD. I've always been so proud of our family - how well we all got along and loved each other - and I've always felt that it was because both H and I were committed to the kids and to each other. Now I can GUARANTEE you it took both of us! Oldest D moved back home for awhile - she's doing well - but she doesn't have a car so we are carpooling like crazy.

I keep thinking about the things I need to work on - things that H has said that "sting" a bit. So many of the things that he said were so vague - "you drive me crazy" - "you never supported me" - "you spend too much" - "you overindulge the kids". I am working on the spending - have saved some money and have an accelerated debt repayment plan going. I feel like I supported him - but I know that it was never enough for him. I know I drove him crazy sometimes - but I also made him laugh many times and loved and cared for him. I did overindulge the kids - and probably still do - but (yes I know) they are good kids and they are not spoiled. I've tried to give them as many experiences and/or opportunities that would help them develop their talents and figure out what they wanted to do. They are grateful kids - they feel lucky for what they have had.

I would like to develop more self discipline, more self confidence. I would like to know that I will have an AMAZING life - even if I am alone. I know that everyone will say that I'm not alone - but the fact of the matter is that once the kids are gone - I will be alone. Yes I have wonderful friends and family - but my personal life will be me, alone. I want to come to terms with this ~ I think that once I do I will be much more able to move forward.

I can't believe I am 5 months into this already. I know that many of you have been at this for years and I am so thankful that you listen and support. I still have that surreal feeling about all of it.