Bustorama-Thread 1

[bustorama]

Get her to pursue you. You are doing all the pursuing.

Have plans you can't break next time she calls and wants you to come over. Seems to me she only "hurts" is when she is lonely and needs her @$$ rubbed.

She's the one calling me and suggesting/hinting at things to do together (isn't that her covertly pursuing me??). I NEVER initiate calls, txt or email to her. So you suggest I pull back more by rejecting some of the invites and being less available? Like RobX suggested to make her miss me more? It seems like she misses me from these calls and hints? But if she misses me more maybe she would do more work at her end to fix the R?

And stop the compliments? I thought the compliments were part of the wooing love affirmations and the "bad pursuing" was pursuing re: the R? I thought you complimented Greek (I saw some of those on another thread?). What's YOUR view on this whole love bucket thing?

On way out, she said something about she needed to give her baby some hugs and kisses since she was going to work, and I said what about D2? She said 'stop it' again and gave some hugs and a kiss to our little one then gave me a hug and left for work.

You need to be the first one to leave. She needs to see that you have other things to attend to.

Oh sorry I was unclear here. We left at same time. This was in the parking lot and I was on the way way to my car, Hers just happened to be parked closer to restaurant. Next time I'll leave earlier. "Gotta go hon, hot date at 2, ciao"

Are you getting what you want?

This is actually the guts of what I'm asking, and I don't think the answer is quite as clear as you imply. In the here and now, obviously no because ideally I'd want us to be jumping each other's bones and she'd be all in for MC and talking about moving her stuff back in the house. On the other hand, DR talks about patience, patience, patience and incremental steps towards reconciliation and stuff like 1 month of work for every year of marriage as potentially being needed to bust the divorce (6 months in my sitch)? So, in that light, maybe what "I want" is an unrealistic goal/expectation RIGHT NOW?

If her being warmer is part of a progression towards opening up and trusting me, then yes, maybe I am getting what I want. If it's her putting me in friend category or spinning her wheels to feel good in the short term still separated and not really doing any work, then it's clearly not. Consider that this is the first time we've had a meal together since 2008 where she referred to it as being "me and her" eating out (with our little one in tow) rather than as the family eating out (we didn't get a babysitter once over the last 2 years and have no family in the area). And she also outright REFUSED to even have lunch out with me from Jan. 2010 until today. Her being COMFORTABLE having ANY 1-on-1 time with me (not even sexual, not even attracted, just being COMFORTABLE with ANY 1-on-1 time) was one of the DR "taking stock" baby step goals that I wrote down in late June. I think we are there now (finally). I'm telling you -- our R was/is @$$ broke.

[MM78]

I still think you are one upping her. She is inviting you to lunch with your daughter, you are taking it up a notch and flirting.

[ris]

I think that her telling you to stop compliments/flirting is putting you back into place as a gay friend.

[bustorama]

Ah yes, this gets back to the mirror don't escalate point. If I escalate like the love-starved puppy I am, I scare off the cat. She needs to meow more insistently for me.

So, I guess my question is where does my leading come in? I thought flirting and wooing affirmations was part of the leading and love bucket filling? Or it's just seen as pursuit if it's not MIRRORING something she is doing? If I wait for her to flirt we might be here for years?

MM78, what do you think about the gay friend point of view vs. the me coming on too fast for where she is (overescalating) point of view?

[Coach]

What's YOUR view on this whole love bucket thing?

don't try to fill it with a fire hose

be a sniper, one shot right on target, calculated and with impact


One of Greeks LLs is WOA so she really appreciates thoughtful compliments. The little innuendo about, "What about D2?" Sounded like it was more about you getting some affection - needy and a little childlike. You need to ramp your game up. You are doing OK, just be wise.

[Coach]

If I wait for her to flirt we might be here for years?

Make that a goal. What will it take for her to flirt with you. It's all about attraction. Calling a cat doesnt work, walking the other way interests the cat.

[robx]

When I was staying over there I also paraded around with my shirt off and wearing boxers that I didnt realize my package was hanging out of and she said she felt violated that I was sitting next to her with my stuff hanging out (she wouldn't feel violated by a gay friend, right?). And when she walked in on me while I was showering, she was nervously checking me out then left. In other words, I think there is something sexual still there, but she is scared or turned off still cause of the trust issues.

Busto,

I'm sorry, but I think your wife has some serious sexual issues and hangups. Was she ever abused when she was younger or anything like that? Her behavior is just WIERD, and I would caution you when she's making statements like what I've bolded above. It is VERY common for a wayward wife to use these kinds of accusations legally against you -- I see it on here all the time.

And Robx, I'd also be curious to know what, specifically, you don't like about Harley's approach.

Puppy

Bustorama cannot fill a love bucket if it has holes in it.

And bustorama, when she saw your "goods", and said she felt violated, yes, that's the gay friend zone, you don't realize that it's ok for her to show off her body to you when you're the "gay" friend because like I said, there is no chance at any sexual activity, but as soon as she senses that there might be sexual pursuit from you, it offends her - it totally proved my point about you being the gay friend, she doesn't expect any sexual activity out of you and when you offer the mere presence of it, she gets offended because you are ruining the gay friend idea she associates with you.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I think that her telling you to stop compliments/flirting is putting you back into place as a gay friend.

WOW,

So this is worse than the "friends" ladder on the "ladder theory". A "Gay" friend is harmless, and would not be looked at as a viable candidate for sexual or intimacy almost EVER.

Also the "gay friend" would allow the female to have stronger "masculine" tendancies around him, so that his would have to minimized to make up for it in Ying/Yang concept...

[bustorama]

RobX, how do you think the holes can be plugged?

(OR what do you see as the holes? her sexual hangups? my past infidelity? the past abuse from 1st boyfriend/mother dearest? the fact that she is trying to label me as a (gay) friend)?)

Don't you think all this (gay) friend labeling stuff is ways she might be protecting herself from trust issues?

[bustorama]

Man, I could build a palatial log cabin with the 2x4's I'm getting today, hehe.

Coach says I am doing ok overall, but need to step up my (lame) game, stop drowning W in my fire hose of pursuit, and stop being childish and needy.

MM78 tells me I'm still overescalating and one-upping her, bringing condoms to the PTA meeting.

A whole herd of people are telling me I am her emasculated, gay, no chance in a million years friend.

And her love bucket has holes to boot.

Good times!!! Let's see what I can eff up 2nite =) Hehe

I'm curious if ANYONE disagrees with the gay friend assessment.

If not, is the only way out of that to not allow myself to stay in that category (going dimmer and not accepting overtures unless there is clearly some expression in the overture of you are not my gay friend)? The part I struggle with is don't I still have a responsibility to help rebuild trust and make amends for the EA's? Doesn't going dark and "demanding" her to do all the pursuit go against that?