Blindsided, Just served with papers!

[robx]

W had an early appt. She came home to take the kids to daycare, I was dressed up for an interview, and the first thing she said was that I looked nice. I thanked her, and she took the kids to daycare. She is very chipper today, and it drives me crazy, it gets me boiling that she can be so happy at times. I know that is normal but it still affects me, her ups and downs, but the ups get to me the most because I think it hurts the ego. You feel that you are not important to them and they can be completely fine with the way things are, that is the toughest for me to deal with.

Aren't people allowed to be happy?
You should be that happy!
It might affect her the same way as it affects you ;-)

The punches keep coming. W and I Talked about S school, had to pry a bit, but W has already signed a lease on a place for her and the kids, and has enrolled S in school. Originally I was uspet about this, then I realized its probably for the best. I realize I am trying to rush my changes, and it is coming across as false. W is done, she stated she keeps waffling back and forth, but in reality she is making her "actions" towards filing and leaving. I dont believe what she says, but the fact she filed and signed a lease last week are pretty good indicators that she is moving on.

So she can do this, work 2 jobs and handle the kids half the time and you can't, c'mon bro, you know we know better than that, you can do anything as good if not better than she can, no more excuses on this.

She told me she doesnt believe I am ready to change, she feels the IC and the other things I am doing are just to make her feel better. She is upset that I received a mailer from Twin Peaks, she says you dont respect our M. I wanted to defend myself, on some points I did most of them i did not, I let her speak and I listened. She is freaked out that I am already dating, which is one point I stood firm on that was not the case. I can tell she is very tore up about this, she is friendly but she gets very emotional when we talk. She is still very attached, but she is set in her ways right now.

Cheating on you wasn't respecting the marriage either but what did you say to her when she did it? Seems like she is totally oblivious as to her part in the marital situation, this is her continuing to walk all over you when you let her say stuff like this. You are allowed to be honest with her without turning into Mr.Melty Man, "hey lady, I don't trust you, after you cheated on me and had an affair with the OM, I haven't been able to trust you, you don't act in ways that would make me believe that you respect our marriage and I find it very disrespectful that you keep putting this on me. You broke the trust that was between us and you keep putting the requirement on me to rebuild trust, I don't feel the need to chase you after what you did to our marriage, if you have high expectations please place them on yourself before you even consider applying them to me, this is the end of this never ending discussion on respecting our marriage and what I haven't been able to do as far as living up to your standards, it's time for you to consider the fact that you haven't been living up to my standards, I know what I'm worth, it's time for me to go out there and get it, this separation has opened my eyes to that much."

I forgot to mention, the W still wants to do counseling next month? strange I guess, and she also mentioned that she did not feel the buddy I am going to live with is a good idea, she referred to the house as a bachelor pad, and used the kids as a reason to say, I dont think its a good environment for them. dont know what to think of that. I guess she is not completely detached.

As for the counseling, you decide if you want to go or not, don't feel pressured into doing it if you don't want to. I tell people that counseling is for people that really want to work on the marriage, if you're both just hanging around jumping in puddles continuing to make a messes, counseling will do nothing for you. Counseling is for people that have goals: marriage reconcilation, improving a relationship, etc. If you're going to counseling just to argue and use the counselor as a referee, don't bother, it's just a waste of time & money unless you both share a common goal for the counseling.

As for your buddy's place being a bachelor pad, well... it is.

That's why I've been pushing for you to get your own place. She has revealed her cards in that move, she will use that against you in court when it comes time to discuss child custody - I $hit you not, get your act together because all she really has to do is establish what could possibly happen, the courts will decide in the best interests of the children, not in her or your best interest. Remember this now because I've mentioned this several times, be prepared.

Don't worry about her attachment level, worry about your own.