PEI, I have to say I'm impressed. I see that the day has come and while it hurt, you seem to be focusing more on you and the things you can control. I applaud that. I'll add that you may also want to accept that there will be pain in the future as things come up. That's the scars that come with having loved somebody so deeply. It's a badge of honor as is the awards for "I did not cheat". Don't discount that you took the high road when you likely had a few times and thought about it as revenge or to make yourself feel better.
Believe it or not, but many of the things you described wanting (centering to sum it up) are things you are already doing and have already started to do. That's one benefit of this as well as your self-esteem (you took the high road; you didn't give up; you are coming through it and recognizing many things you can and cannot control; the list goes on, but etc seems so trite, no?)
A thought for you: Once a glass is full, it must be emptied before it can hold more. Goodness is much like the liquid in the glass - what was in there was not good due to somebody else's actions beyond your control (somebody p*ssed in your pool jokes, anyone?); to have good things, it must now be emptied.
But you kept the vessel intact and even improved it so it could hold something even better. Be at peace with that.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
