Last night after a good day with my H, we were in bed together at the same time, which rarely happens now. As I was cuddling with H, I started to touch him, but not with the intention to hav sex, but just to have some nice "gropping", he is ok with it, he never complaints, and I always make sure I ask him before I do anything, just to make sure I am not making him unconfortable. Well we were talking, everyting was ok and then the following dialoge took place: Me: "Do you like how I am touching you?" Husband: "sometimes" Me: "please tell me more, when? Husband: silence Me: "But how can I know when you are liking it?" Husband: "By my reaction"
(I am thinking ...he doesn'react! ever!, what is he talking about...he normally ignores my touches completely as if nothing was happening) Me: "Your reaction? could you tell me more? Like what reaction?" Husband : "I don't know"
Me: " I am sure you know, but obviously I am missing the sign completely..can you tell me when you are liking it?....maybe a "magic word"?
Husband: Giggles.. Me : Please think, that way I will know . Husband : Silence Me: Getting upset...." What reaction are you talking about , even when we make love, you just lay in there with a blank stare in your face (then I did a representation of him on his back, looking stray to the cealing with a blank face) Husband: "You are getting worked up..just go to sleep (in a gentle voice)"
Needless to say, I turned around in bed, went to the fardest edge of the bed, so I wouldn't touch him and forced myself to sleep, fighting my tears of frustration, thinking he has the key for making our sex life better not just for me , but specially for himself, since I would make sure I do all the stuff he likes the most, making sure he is really into it before we go anywhere, but Noooooo, he won't tell me anything!.
Sometimes I think I marry someone that has no idea about sex, and I am not saying he is a bad lover, on the contrary, he is great.....on the technicality of it. But here is the problem, if I ask him what HE likes, he is unable to answer me. Anything that has to do with his pleasure, he is completely unknowlegable or unwilling to share with me, like he is a machine, that knows what to do to please the other person, but has no clue about his own body and what gives him pleasure. It is almost like he shuts down when we make love, like he is enduring this task and his head is someplace else, no passion, no expression, nothing.
This hurts me more than the lack of sex, because when we have any, the man I just described above is what I get and who wants that anyway. I am not happy at having a inflatable husband you know?
This morning I woked up so worned out, extremely depressed. He was walking around the house naked, like he always does, but instead of feeling that normal stir in my body and nice little thoughts of appreciation to his form, I felt angry at the sight of his body. A little later, when he went to hug me, I couldn't stand his touch...it literally revolted me.
