The bit about not "spying" on your spouse is way off base. That is absurd because you need good intel in order to proceed. Of course you should try to find out what's going on, just don't get caught.
And yes, it will hurt. So? You're hurting right now anyway and sticking your head in the sand is exactly the wrong thing to do.
Puppy is the master at this, so try to find his posts about surveillance and other techniques.
