"Easier to "forgive them for bombing my life," than being able to forgive them for putting my children through this..."
Just like neither XH nor you alone created the problems in your M, neither XH, his GF, nor you alone create the problems in the scattered family dynamic now. You are part of what your children are going through. You own part of it.
Imagine how different things would be for your kids if you were different... Not saying I don't understand your feelings. You have a lot of power here that you aren’t using to make their lives better. If you can use some compassion and forgive, your kids' lives would include less strife and stress. So would yours.
I know it is hard Donna, I know. But have you tried setting aside your feelings for a bit, really detaching, and then thinking about how things must have been for XH and his GF? Neither was a serial cheater as far as I know. Both were in committed, monogomous, long-term Ms. They had to be in enormous pain for things to have proceeded as they did. That doesn't justify what they did, or make it right. But perhaps you can find some understanding. What was it about XH, his life, how he was raised, who he was, that made it too hard for him to show you his pain, maybe made it too hard for him to even clearly acknowledge it to himself? Why was he hurting so much and too fragile to address his pain in a better way?
What they did was NOT about hurting you, although it had that effect. Certainly, their current R IS NOT ABOUT YOU. So why make it about you?
Finally, what would have happened if the raccoon had done worse to you. If you were gone, would you really want your children to be saddled with a father whose significant other they really couldn’t embrace without betraying you. Would you want them to live with that the rest of their lives? But that is how they are already living….
Forgiveness does not require liking or friendship or approval, ya know? It just requires acceptance and compassion.
