Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Coach, I hear you. I know it's not the best approach. I feel like not saying anything to her about this bascially tells her that I'm either ok with it or too weak to stand up to her. Confusing to me when to be a man (attractive, lead, confident) and when to be counterintuitive to what I used to do and do something different.

Why do you think that not telling her this is the better option? Is it because you think that if I do confront her it hurts any chance (if there is one) that we could someday get back together? Or is it another reason? Just trying to clarify it for me. I'm in my own fog lately and probably not thinking straight...meaning I'm a little slow right now.

If there's no chance of ever getting back together I'm not sure why I can't confront her about it? Again, I'm on very little sleep the past two days so my mind is foggy.

[mza8]

Ok, I'll email her informing her that I've made the necessary decisions on the house, taxes, etc. I agree. I can't allow her not getting back to me to cause a serious problem with the issues before it's too late. I will handle it.

The only decision I'm still struggling with is whether or not to tell her that she needs to find a new real estate agent as I don't think I can represent us anymore. It would be very difficult for me to continue to be the agent knowing she is going to date. Yes, it probably does help me being the agent but it would be very tough for me to swallow.

She has totally played me. She was nice to get me to list the house and sign the agreement. She's been nice lately so that I do what she wants. Then once she got what she wanted she sneaks behind my back and joins the dating website. I'm finally starting to realize just how manipulative and skeaky she is. Just like before she left last year. She was nice the week before she left and then I come home to her leaving. She has shown her ugly side.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

mza8,

what can possibly be gained by letting her you know about the dating site? I don't see anything.

When my W started hanging out with her D "friend" who I knew was a drunk and wh*re I knew it was only a matter of time the her friend pulled her into that life style.

I might also add that me and my W didn't have a great sex life so now that she wasn't with me , she could now have a free conscience to sleep with others.

You received a lot of good advice the past two days.

You are still angry and hurt by her W's actions.
She has so much control over you b/c you let her.

[Dudess]

You being the agent on the house is a sound financial and practical decision. Her dating profile doesn't change that. You didn't place any 'dating' conditions on your offer so do what you said you would do.

Her being on a dating site shows that she hasn't found anyone in real life she wants to date, so that's good. Women I've talked with said you have to wade through a lot of lazy losers looking for 'hook-ups', married (not separated) cheaters, and creeps who email pics of their weiners , to even find someone you might want to have coffee with.

Please don't say a word to her about it. This should help you feel fine about dating. Maybe you need to get your own profile up on a different site too.

[mza8]

Gr8, I don't know. I think just the simple fact of informing her that I know what she's doing.

The friend my W now hangs out with is a lot like your W's friend. My W's friend is also divorced and was on the same dating website as my W. I am absolutely sure that my W's friend is enabling my W's behavior. My W's sister is also very controlling of my W. W's parent's can also be controlling. Feel like I don't have a snowball's chance because so many people are in my W's ear. W and her friend almost live the same lifestyle now. Funny because my W never wanted to be where her friend was...now she is.

I have received outstanding advice the past two days, no doubt. I want to thank everyone again. Still trying to process everything that's been advised to me and get it through my thick head.

Yes, I am VERY ANGRY...VERY VERY ANGRY! Sigh...I can't get past this, I haven't been able to let it go yet. I'm angry with the control she has over me, angry that she doesn't even try, angry that she dismisses me like some stranger, angry with her high and mighty attitude...let's see, what else? This just isn't right. I wish I could just tell her what I think of her, tell her to go pound sand and move on. I know this is the anger in me talking. I have good moments and bad still. IC even told me last night he sees the anger in me. God knows I'm trying to let it go.

Gr8, are you still on the same dating website as your W? What does everyone think of me joining the same website as my W? Don't want W to look at it as my playing tit for tat, but do I even care at this point? If I'm going to date then this dating website would be one of the ones I would probably use.

[mza8]

Yes, deep down I know it's the right thing to do to remain as the agent. Tough to do right now though. The listing agreement is for 3 months. If the house isn't sold by that time I can reevaluate if I want to continue to be the agent.

Yeah, I never thought of it that way about her not finding anyone yet. Problem is she's looking. I'm sure that those websites are full of less than desirable people. Honestly, that's what scares the hell out of me for my W. I'm so afraid she's going to do something stupid and put herself in a dangerous situation. She has this outlook on life now that everything is just great and I'm afraid she's going to be too trusting of others too fast. I know what a lot of the people on those sites are all about. What my W is looking for on that website is right here with me.

I change my mind on confronting her or not about this every hour. Still thinking about it.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

take control of yourself. continue to learn about the "game"-
What attracts W and how to communicate affectively with them.

Find yourself, know who you are.

I know I'm an awesome guy and deserve a great woman who notices me. If my W wakes up, great, if not someone else will see it.
Either way I win.

Gr8, are you still on the same dating website as your W? What does everyone think of me joining the same website as my W? Don't want W to look at it as my playing tit for tat, but do I even care at this point? If I'm going to date then this dating website would be one of the ones I would probably use.

My W never joined the one I go onto, it was her "friend". SW use to tell me- Man, she goes out with a lot of guys. It's easy when your on a dating site! My W found out I was on there b/c I clicked on her friend. I didn't know the ins and outs of the site , but you get to see who views your profile.

She is the one who brought it up to me, she thought I was doing it to rub it in her face.
I said that I joined for me, not to put it in your face.

So if you join make sure your intentions are good.
I use match.com and I met three girls so far. Two I liked and of those I saw the one for three months.

I recently when back on and I'm seeing someone next week.
She is separated too so we have that in common.

It will give you a perspective of who and what's out there.
Watch out for girls from Russia.

another thing- going out with someone else will help you heal. It wil help you to trust again and it will help you open up more.

My biggest fear right now is when I do find some right, I will have to introduce them to my kids at some point. I have decided it will take a good 6-9 months os seeing someone for me to make that move. I will conquer that fear when I need to. Right now it all about me and my kids.

[mza8]

take control of yourself. continue to learn about the "game"-
What attracts W and how to communicate affectively with them.

Thought I knew, guess I'm still learning. Maybe I don't have a clue or maybe it just doesn't matter to my W what I do.

My W never joined the one I go onto, it was her "friend".

Oh, sorry, I thought you were both on the same site. The one you're on is the one my W is on and most likely the one I would join too.

Watch out for girls from Russia.

LOL

Just thinking out loud. I'm still confused why most people here are told to expose the A but I'm being advised to ignore it? Still trying to make sense of that. Public dating website or not, shouldn't the same rules still apply? She's basically getting away with it and no one is telling her it's wrong. Feel like my W isn't dating to heal herself. Think she's doing it looking for some magic fantasy.

Gr8, I forget what you did. Did you expose your W to family and friends? You sitch is similar to mine...W is also on a dating website. Just curious.

[CityGirl]

Your W isn't having an affair so I am not sure what you think there is to expose.

You and your W have not lived together for almost a year. She has chosen not to communicate with you and all her actions and desires (selling the house) have indicated she is moving towards a divorce. In her mind the two of you *are* divorced and you just have paperwork and the sale of a house to complete. I would imagine to her this dating site is a natural progression to the next phase of her life.

I'm not saying it is right or wrong but I would not consider this an affair.

I guess the only way to ask this is to be direct... you chose not to take ANY strong stances with your W for the entire duration of your separation. Why did it take a dating profile for you to change your tune?

I won't tell you this is not a big deal because clearly you are very, very hurt. But what has really changed? Your W still doesn't want to even talk or reconcile with you and that was how it was before you found out about this. Can you help me understand?

[Dudess]

I'm still confused why most people here are told to expose the A but I'm being advised to ignore it? Still trying to make sense of that. Public dating website or not, shouldn't the same rules still apply? She's basically getting away with it and no one is telling her it's wrong. Feel like my W isn't dating to heal herself. Think she's doing it looking for some magic fantasy.

CityGirl is right.

There is nothing to expose. She is on a public site being up front about her marital status. She isn't hiding anything.

People vary in their attitudes about dating while still legally married, but separated. I don't think it's wrong in this situation and evidently neither does she. Whether you think she's doing it for the right reasons is irrelevant. She's a grown up woman.

Maybe it's the adrenalin rush of anger that is fooling you into thinking that saying something about it shows strength. It would actually look really silly.