I had not started my own thread for a while as I really had no contact with my H at all via text or e-mail. In May of this year he texted me several times from a concert (at least 10 times) telling me he was thinking of me and using a word only he and I would know. I finally told him to STOP. The next day he texted me telling me he was sorry, he had been drinking and he felt like an a-hole (good, you should, lol!) and could he come by for dinner. Um, no.
On 6/26 (our anniversary) he texted me that he loved me. I did text him back and told him his text was NOT appropriate and he had no regard for my feelings. It was brief but to the point. I had not heard from him again until a few weeks ago when he e-mailed me to tell me his parent's dog passed away. Well, sorry to hear that but honestly, not interested in knowing.
My H had a VERY romantic notion of what our post divorce R would look like. His behavior for the past two years has been emotionally and verbally abusive and unthinkable. In his mind he thought once the dust settled we would be okay to be best buddies. He actually said in court that his "plan" was to get to know me again in secret and if things went okay he might tell his GF. LOL! Sign me up for that plan!
Last Nov. when he made his plea to me he also told me his GF was very jealous of me, he was not allowed to talk to me or about me to her nor was he allowed to discuss his marriage. Wow, some R! He also told me the same problems WE had were happening with her. Well, what is the common denominator there? He also told me that he knew he couldn't fail at a second R so he was going to stay with her. To this day he will swear up and down he did nothing wrong. So, not much else to say about that.
I no longer love my H. I don't respect or trust him. I also knew the despite the work I was doing those feelings would have to die their natural death. And they have. I do have anger and disappointment about how he has handled the assets during our separation. Despite what I "won" the financial strain has been suffocating due to his lack of action. He does whatever the hell he wants while I am stuck with "as is" because he has found a loophole (or so he thinks).
I plan to file Dec. 1st. I will be out of town with my family the last two weeks of November and I don't want to worry for a second what is going on legally while I am away. So, instead of filing Nov. 19th (the day we leave actually) I'm going to wait. Two weeks won't make a difference in the grand scheme. My H could still do the right thing here (agree to file and pay my insurance w/o additional litigation) but he won't.
I do feel like I need some infusion of *something* in my life. I work very, very hard (work as in employment). I am very active in two organizations and I have many wonderful friends. There is always something to do around here. I have an AMAZING family... my god, these people are angels on earth. I do think in the next year or so I will move to a new city. Once this hot mess is all wrapped up I can focus more on that goal.
I know once some of this financial strain is gone and our assets are truly divided I won't feel so closed in. I do have great anxiety about the next set of legalities as I know how things went last time. It was traumatizing to say the least. My Lupus had really taken a turn for the worse during our litigation so things really spun out of control.
Sol - I haven't seen the dr. (my date where I almost crawled out of the window, lol!). That poor man! He was very nice and shortly after our date I did tell him sort of where I was at (briefly of course) so he at least knew my crazy was for a reason!
Communication is interesting post divorce with a new person. In a way I always thought meeting somebody who had been divorced would be the best idea but now, who knows! Divorce and what follows is a process. My H needed constant attention, reassurance and coddling despite his HUGE ego. Maybe that *is* a man thing but it's not something I will do again on the level I had to ever again. It's exhausting. I know everybody deals with things in different ways but it has been enlightening to me to see how some people can envision a new "instant" family or R or to expect/assume/hope a rapid pace is best despite lots of upfront honesty. I can talk to somebody all day about experiences or ideas but I have enough to work on for ME and don't want to be molded into an ideal person due to the issues somebody else had. That goes both ways I guess.
I am strong and I do know I will need a *very* strong man if a long term R would ever develop. I really am perfectly fine alone and I do sometimes wonder if I have become so used to living and being alone (alone as in not in a R) that the shift to a R seems suffocating.
