Tomorrow will mark the second week I have started detaching myself from my W. I have done well with respect of going dark, no texts, emails, nothing. I have found some days easier than others, as long as I keep myself busy and have fun with my children...all goes well. But it can get so tough sometimes, trying to discipline my thoughts - to let go. The life I had with her was what I have always wanted. Our family means so much in my life. When I go home to an empty house, or look at the empty carseats in my truck...it really gets to me. My heart aches.
I have a great time with our kids, but its hard not to ponder on how much more I would enjoy our entire family unit being together.
My kids ask me questions I have a difficult time answering sometimes - recently they have asked when I am going to come and live with them and Mommy. When we will do things together. I can only tell them that I do not know, i tell them that I want to..but it is beyond my control. Decisions have been made. Its cute, but at the same time heart crusghing when they try to help me out...and come up with alternatives or solutions...to have us all under the same roof.
I try my best not to put the blame on their mother, but in the beginning I spent so much time explaining to them that it was my fault. That I was sorry, that I regret hurting mommies feelings too many times, that I was angry and grumpy, that I am going to be a better man now...but that doesn't mean it will change things regarding our family. I am glad they have recognized changes in me, we now have a father and son bond like never before.
This was her decision in the end, and I believe the kids need to be aware of that to some extent...but its too early in their lives to have that explained in detail.
Aside from my little pity party.. that I have apparently invited myslef to today. I have started a blog in which I will take one picture everyday for 365. It will help with my self discipline - and perhaps bring out some new found talent in me. I have an interview at the Seniors Home tonight, hopefully I can get volunteeering there soon. My first meditation class is next Monday - looking forward to see if someone can teach me to empty my head out!
