cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

[awest1217]

Starting to get back onto the swing of things so hopefully I won't be so busy.

I have a cold or bad allergies so I am feeling like poop and it was a busy weekend with the children's resale at church.

Friday S wanted to go to my parents so he did, but then he didn't want to leave so he spent the night. The first night ever away from me. I am glad because he did well, but at the same time...my baby is growing up. It was really good to have some time to myself.

H has been calling everyday at 6 to talk to S. We don't talk anymore afterwards and S asked why. I didn't say anything and he said he would ask daddy. Then yesterday S started to cry because the last few days he hasn't wanted to talk to H on the phone. Yesterday H made him cry on the phone because H said something about seeing S on Friday, but S said to me right away I see daddy tomorrow. H said kind of sternly, No S I didn't say that. Remember how mommy doesn't like when you lie. S then burst into tears. I was so mad at H because he doesn't get it. We really need to talk because he is so stern with S and doesn't understand him at all. S doesn't understand time yet so when he said tomorrow...I just told S calmly, no tomorrow is Monday you will see Daddy on Friday. If it was an issue i would talk to H. I don't want H yelling at S because he doesn't understand. You just clarify not tell him he was lying.

Then S cried that he wanted daddy so H is going to come over after work today to play with him for a bit. I talked to S this morning and he said he wanted to go to "daddy's house" actually the in-laws. I said well daddy is going to come see you and take you to the park. S said "no I want to go to daddy's house". This made me think because if he just wanted H then H coming over would be good, but why does he want to go to his house. I asked S if he wanted daddy or the toys at grandma's. He said the toys. So really he doesn't want daddy...he wants to go to grandma's because he wants to play with the toys. S misses going to grandma's every Friday night. He misses spending time with his uncles and grandparents. He doesn't really want H, but now H is the only way he gets to go over there.

All things H and I need to talk about because I never had issues with S until now so maybe we will have to do every Friday at the grandparents for dinner and every other Saturday unless something comes up because that is what S is used to and maybe then he won't throw fits and ask to go to "daddy's" when he really wants his grandparents and uncles.

[Lucky11too]

I think that is definitely one of the hardest parts about a D or really ending any R. At some point, you're over the person, but to give up the family is another story. While yes, they are still connected to you via S, it's just hard b/c the conection will change. It's a great idea to keep the routine dinner visits to H's parents (although, hopefully, H won't feel the need to stick around too) b/c it will be great for H's parents not to feel like your taking S away from them (I know that's one of my inlaws fears) and it will be great for S to keep a great R with his grandparents (and play with the fun toys. =P) I would just be careful how you word it to H that S doesn't want him, just the toys. Sad but true, but I sure that would be hard for any dad to hear. Although he's made many mistakes, at least he is trying to step up as a dad and continuing to see S and talk to him daily, so you definitely want to keep encourging that (more for S's sake then for H's I'm sure). It's defnitely good that you cut out the extra chatting after S's daily talk too. He's made his choice.

Glad the school year is starting off well. How do your students look to be this year?

[awest1217]

My students seem pretty good. No huge issues...yet Their first test is Friday so I will see then how grades will be.

H came over on Monday. I asked H if S gets to play with his uncle or grandparents at all when he has them. He said no. I said he may want to go over to "his house" because he misses them as well. H said maybe. S is so used to going to H's parents every Friday and playing with them. NOw he NEVER gets to play with them because H put the fear of God in them that they should not play with him on HIS time. WHAT IS THAT? H is so selfish. I understand that he only sees him Friday and Saturday everyother week, but that is his choice. I told him he could see S during the week if he wanted, but he has never stuck to it. In contrast, last weekend was my weekend and S spent the night away from me for the first time. He wanted to be with my parents and sister so I let him. Did I miss him and want him with me? Sure I did, but it is about S and not me. He missed my parents and sister because he hadn't seen them as much as he had during the summer.

The afternoon was ok. H and I talked about our classes and other things. He played with S. I told him what S had been doing...etc. We get along really well. Then about dinner time H says he has to leave which is what we had planned, but S looks at H with his big brown eyes and said "daddy you stay for dinner?" I was about to make dinner and it was breakfast night so we were having french toast, which doesn't take long to make. H looks at me and I tell him I am ok with it. Then H looks at S and says No I have work to do. S cried and cried. He asked why daddy wouldn't stay for dinner. It was heart breaking. Once again, this shows how selfish H is. I understand he has his parent meeting the next night and other things...but what is more important spending time with your S when he has asked or doing work so you look good? It wasn't something for his students, but something for the parents so he looked good when he was talking to them. Something I heard that H's aunt told the preschool teachers under her at her church was that if you are spending more than X number of hours on your lessons, are you spending that time to help your students understand better or to make you look better? That really stuck with me and I wish I got to know her better because she was a very wise woman. H has to re-establish trust with S and looking at him and saying yes I will stay for dinner because you asked. Man that would go a long way. Then after dinner he could say that S has to go to bed so S doesn't hear that work is more important than him.

I just keep thinking more and more how H is still so immature and selfish. I don't want to spend afternoons with H and S, but I do it because S wants it. S asked last week why H and I don't talk anymore and asked that I talk to H so I did because it is important to S that H and I get along so I want to show him that I hear what he needs and will do it. So back to talking for just a minute or two after S is done talking. Other women talk about how their H's go to their OB appointments or go with them every time their child has to go to the doc. H never did. He didn't take S to the doctor or go with me unless he didn't have work. So he went one time because it was when he didn't have work, but otherwise it was always me.

It is just sad that he still can't sacrifice for anyone, especially his S.

I read the card H gave me last year on S's birthday. It said how he is trying to get better and to "not give up on him". I just keep thinking...if only he had given us a chance.

In other news, S keeps holding in his poop so I have to work with him on that, but otherwise things are good.

I should hear from the L in the next few weeks about the property agreement and after that...just have H sign and we are done.

[BeingMe]

I have been reading through your thread, and just wanted to make a comment on something regarding S.

but I do it because S wants it

You shouldn't have to do something just because S wants it. Especially, if it is painful for you. S must learn eventually that he doesn't get everything he wants, that mommy isn't there to fulfill all his wishes and commands. You could politely and nicely tell him that mommy is busy and can't talk to daddy, or for him to just tell daddy "love you, bye", and put down the phone. Obviously, he doesn't understand adult R's, and just wants his two most-loved people in the world to be friends, but although you aren't best friends, you can show him that you always speak nicely to each other. Or, when STBXH calls, perhaps you can speak to him first a little, then hand the phone over and tell him if he asks, that you had already spoken to daddy.

Just a thought.

[awest1217]

Thanks BeingMe. The last post was a little exaggerated. I don't let S run my life, but with all the many changes happening I feel the least I can do is talk to H. It isn't painful to talk to H, and I don't really care about what he does, but that is it...since I don't care I don't really want to talk to him because then I can't fully move on.

I will take your advice though. Usually we talk after S and H talk and I just clarify what S said because being almost 3 sometimes it is hard to understand him on the phone. Lately we just talk for 3-5 minutes after S is done and that is it. Clarify what happened and leave it at that.

Today at lunch was interesting. One of the teachers asked how things were going. I told the lunch table about filing and the postcard. H's friend who now works with me was there. Up until then she never really looked at me, but after hearing the story...she started to talk to me. Either way it was good because now she knows the story and it won't be awkward anymore.

Otherwise, I am still not feeling well. I started to use a nasal spray with vicks at night which helps, but by noon and until bed, it is horrible. I can use it twice a day, but I hate to do that. I might if it gets worse.

[BeingMe]

Otherwise, I am still not feeling well. I started to use a nasal spray with vicks at night which helps, but by noon and until bed, it is horrible. I can use it twice a day, but I hate to do that. I might if it gets worse.

Should you not get yourself checked by a doctor? Is this a cold? You talked about a sore muscle too? You might be able to treat whatever you have (with the correct medication) before it gets worse. As a mom, that is certainly a huge responsibility ... staying healthy, that is.

'Eh! Just call me "mommy". LOL

[newmama]

Awest, I hope you are feeling better!

H's friend who now works with me was there. Up until then she never really looked at me, but after hearing the story...she started to talk to me. Either way it was good because now she knows the story and it won't be awkward anymore.

Interesting...I bet she wondered, don't you? WOnder what version SHE heard! And it is amazing how others can let their guards down when we let ours down first!

[awest1217]

BeingMe-I don't need to go to a doctor for a head cold/allergies that with symptoms only starting last Sunday. I do have allergies, but I can't take medicine because it makes me loopy, which I can't have as a mother or a teacher. The nasal spray has helped a lot, but it is 12 hours so around lunch the symptoms come back. I am getting a little better everyday, but between less sleep, allergies, being more busy, and the fact that my immune system is still recovering from 16 months of emotional stress...it is expected. Now if I had a fever since Sunday or a horrible sore throat, I would go to the doctor, but for a stuffed nose...not a doctor issue to me. As for the pain in my side, the pain is right along my ribs and based on research I have done, I am almost positive I bruised a couple of ribs or pulled the ab muscles along those ribs. Either way, I need to just let them rest for a while. It hasn't hurt in a while, but if I try to do sit-ups or move too much...then it hurts probably because it hasn't healed completely yet.

NM-I have to clarify because I put more in my thread when I found out she was switching schools, but the girl who I work with and is H's friend. Well she isn't a close friend now. See H only has one close friend at a time, or really one friend at a time and has always been that way. H was friends with her the two summers before we got married, and they went to college together. She was invited to the wedding. After that, they both graduated from college and she got a job at the junior high in my corporation. I said hi the first day of school at our corporation meeting, but besides that they never talked. She and he haven't talked since they worked together the summer before our wedding, but I wonder how much she knows about H's past. It just seems odd to me that all the women H was friends with are always awkward around me. Maybe because H says horrible things about me or because they know something they don't want to tell me. Who knows? and not my problem. I was just worried that the friend would ask me how H is doing and I would have to say we are D'd and it would be awkward. In a group setting, not so bad.

Today is a review day for my students and tomorrow if their first test so I will see quickly who will succeed and who will need a bunch of help.

[Lucky11too]

Regarding your allergies, I was having major issues with them/sinuses last spring, but like you, didn't want to be talking a lot of meds. I had gone to the dr b/c I thoughtI had a sinus infection and the dr recommended a thing called a "netti pot". You can find it at any drug store. Basically, it is just a pot of salt water that you run thru your nose that helps clean out your nasal cavity/sinuses naturally. They are cheap (like $5) and you can use it forever, so it might be something to look into to help give you some relief.

I think it really is a hard balance with S. Like you, I want to make S's life as positive as possible b/c he has to deal with a broken family, but I can't let S run my life either (although he is a very strong willed child & I think would try to whether or not there was this sitch with H! haha). I think your above post just came off wrong b/c you have been good at balancing that. If you ever do feel like you are making yourself miserable for the sake of S (and although we would give our lives for S), you would just have to reevaluation whether the circumstance was necessary for S or if it could be avoided & help S understand it in kids terms.

Interesting about H's old friend. Although it obviously doesn't matter anymore, you almost have to wonder if there is a "history" with all his so-called "friends" that are girls. But that's great news that you got over the initial ackwardness with her. It will definitely make the work environment much more pleasant for you.

Good luck with test day tomorrow!

[BeingMe]

Okay, so it's an ongoing condition.