Blindsided, Just served with papers!

[robx]

I own it, the W does not. She feels that the majority of our problems are me. She has a habit of being on her "high horse" at times and looking at everything negative,

This is interesting considering during your first separation she had an affair - so she doesn't own that problem either? She doesn't realize the fact that you can't trust her the way you used to, if she is that oblivious, why do you want to be with her? It can't just be about the kid.

W says to S come on xander you know your daddy cant eat just one, and she smiled and looked at me. I said well if I had my yogurt I could of had my usual breakfast of yogurt and grape nuts(yum). SHe laughed then apologized because she was suppose to go to the store 4 days ago and has been slacking.

You've mentioned a few times throughout your thread that she is a bit of slacker, impulsive, jumps in with both feet without realizing what she's getting into, etc. It will be interesting to see how she maintains the household on her own when she has the kids on the days that you do not. Allow her to wear her BGP's (big girl panties) and be fine with it. Regardless of how your relationship ends up, her learning how to be independent and responsible and having to think before she acts will benefit her and your children when they are with her, it's not going to happen overnight but it will happen.

I am not trying to look into it too much, but its still a little hopeful.

You always look into "it" too much and you are way too hopeful and that's what keeps you in that endless loop of making similar mistakes often.

So I get home from buying a new suit(for some interviews next week) set the stuff on the counter and get on my laptop. W walks in the house unexpectedly, stands in the kitchen and starts looking through my stuff, I didnt say anything. She starts to tell me she had to get a change of clothes for D, and starts rambling and my phone rings for an interview. I had to take it, W is still talking and I just went into the phone call. She walked out a little pissy, and got back in her car and left. I continued my phone interview which turned out to be pretty good. They want to meet with me next week. I am not going to apologize for it, if she brings it up I will simply say, it was an important call I had to take, didnt think you would be home.

I think she thought i was getting the suit for our day in court, LOL!!!!!

Make sure you wear that suit when you do appear in court so that you can "validate" her thoughts. ;-)

Ok people, W called me out of the blue, I was busy making the kids dinner. She started with small talk and I tried to get off the phone, politely of course. She asked me If I was serious about my proposal. I said yes I am. For those of you following my thread, I have issues with lying about stupid stuff which is my part of breaking the M down(on my part). In any case she says she wants to believe I want to work on the M. I told her that I have not told any friends or family about the D. They all know we are having problems but they dont know she filed.

She wants to believe me, which obviously takes time to restore trust. She asked me if i go to C on tuesday. I said yes he offered for you to call him if you need to(transperancy). She asked if I go to the church group on thursdays, I said yes I can give you the number of my group leader(again transparency). She asked me why I havent told anyone about the filing, then she said because you want to save the M? I said I cannot save the M, I said I want to work on a new M, but that takes both of us, not just me, I cannot fix anything but myself.

I could tell she wanted to keep talking, but I told her I need to feed the kids and this is better done in person. I dont know what to think right now, I have been a solid DBer the last few days and GAL is getting to her quickly. I think maybe the reality of the sitch is setting in to her a bit, I can tell she is still scared. Any advice as too how to handle it when she gets home? I have about 2 hours, she is working late.

These are still more hoops your wife is getting you to jump through. She has issues with you lying about small stuff and she can't trust you because of that - I don't think that's what caused this marriage to self-destruct. Plus you are worried about building back trust with a woman who cheated on you?! What requirements did you place on her for building back trust? Did you even care? No more jumping through hoops or any other great tricks that are intended for dogs. Telling her you wanted to work on the marriage backfired and I originally said it would. When your wife wants to leave you, she had made that decision based on her feelings, she feels the need to get away from you, she feels the need to be on her own, she doesn't have those feelings for you and she probably doesn't know why she feels this way but she does know that the feelings are real. You tell her you want to work on the marriage, this is against her feelings, she gives you small signs of hope, almost agreeing to the possibility of reconciliation but that was to keep you in line, but you don't see that yet. She filed for divorce, she got her new place to live at (even if it was with her dad's help, she still has her own place, you however are living with a friend, you may have scoffed at her attempt to be independent but give her some credit, she did it and she did it in record time). Realize that whenever you guys talk about the marriage and talks of possibly reconciling are discussed especially in a discussion where you end up leading that discussion, she is just giving you false hope. You will know when she really wants to work on the marriage, it's when you've given up and she realizes that you don't want to fight for her or the marriage anymore, that's the point where she will finally realize that for you it's over. At that point if she really loves and wants to be with you, she will pursue you and it will be evident and she will talk marriage and reconciliation and all that good stuff. You won't achieve this by pursuing her and talking about this stuff. You have to be of the opposite point of view, you tried your best, she said no, you respect her decision and you move on with your life.

Example: You've been working at a job for a few years, your boss one day lets you go. Do you keep arguing with him and pursuing him for days, weeks, months, years, asking to get your old job back? No that would be silly. Yet you're doing the same thing now with your wife. Accept reality and move on, take care of you and your kids, get ready to date other women and guess what, when that happens, don't be surprised if your wife shows up trying to convince you that your marriage is worth fighting for. Women don't want guys that pursue them with an attitude that they have nothing else to go for in life - how attractive is that?

W came home, and was beat she sat on the chair and fell asleep, she has to be at work job 1 at 7 am until 3, then off to job 2 at 5-midnight. Hope she is liking the reality... anyway we did not discuss her earlier phone call, from a few posts up... I did not bring it up, when she is ready to talk about it we will.

When she is ready to talk about it, you will tell her that you are busy and hopefully you guys can find some time to talk later - don't be available for every discussion, it's not required and definitely makes you too easy and available.

Had an interview this morning, W I guess went by the house, she called me, I answered and said i am finishing up my interview, she had a lot of questions, my whereabouts and such, I reminded her that I had an interview this morning, she obviously forgot, She seems to be reacting to the fact I am moving on with my life, getting my s!t in order. She will be a part of it or not, her choice. But I am friendly, told her good luck with her trade show that she is goig to for about 3 hours, she tanked me for that amd told her I had to get going. I am patting myself on the back, I am doing what I need to be doing, not clingy and moving along "as if". She is noticing I believe...

The real reminder would have been:
"Look wife, we're separated and soon to be divorced, I don't come after you questioning you about your whereabouts every minute of every day and you need to stop doing that with me. You wanted separate lives and this is what you're getting and you need to stop asking me for every detail - I don't like it/appreciate it and it needs to stop. Please respect my personal space as I respect yours, please & thank you"