from the beginning to now

[CPCajun]

I tend to be direct and brutally honest with what I say. I think she is afraid of how my reaction would be.

I have been a person who is open and not afraid to say what is on my mind. I am working on monitoring how I say things, so not to hurt feelings.

My wife tends to get defensive and shuts down. So we tend to handle confrentation differently.

I am the same way. What I have learned now is that I can still be direct and to the point without being an ass about it.
It is good to be honest and open, but what ever you say, do not do it angrily or when you are mad. Just make sure W see's this as what you feel. Then ask her or let her reply to what you say. This is the kicker to communicating or making it work right. LSITEN to what W says, every word. The next factor is to not attack her for what she says or feels. Validate her and if what she says requires some thought before you respond, then tell her." I need to think about it and get back to you."

My wife also sees that I validate her feelings now. When W would nag, I did shut down or vice versa. The thing to do is take a deep breath, stay calm and say that you are listening...and LISTEN...then respond. If things do get to the point of a yelling match, then stop and tell W ,"When you are going to be irrational or irate to me, I feel that we are not going to solve the matter and as soons as you cool off I will be glad to talk this out with you."