Ominus Bonus

[steady]

I stayed home with both my kids on Tuesday. We hung out and played all day. When it came close to the time my W was coming home to swap the kids my daughter started telling me she wanted to stay with me. She said, "I don't want to be with mommy. I want to stay with you daddy." I laughed and said, "You say that about me when you are with mommy. Once mommy comes and you play you'll have so much fun." She said, "Yeah, but if I'm not with you then I can't be thrown up in the air like you do."

In a way it made me happy because for the past few weeks she always asks to be with my W. Now she starting to do it the other way. I take it all with a grain of salt because she's only 4.

My S also told me the other day he wants to be with me. He also was telling me he wanted to stay with his mom and visit me over the past few weeks and now he's saying something different.

Kids flip flop like that, but the thing that concerns me is they shouldn't even have to be having these thoughts and feelings. It's part of the collateral damage that happens when there's a D.

So when I left Tue after she got there my D was clinging to me and wouldn't let go. She was crying and saying, "I want daddy." I left and went to work to make up some of my hours.

Yesterday (Wed) after work I stopped by the house to pick up my S. We split the kids every Wed - I get our S and she gets our D. When I got there my daughter wanted to play a little bit. She showed me the things she was building with legos and she wanted to finish the one she was building so she could show me.

When it was time for us to go I told me D, "Give me a big hug and a kiss." I get on my knees and she takes a running start and jumps into my arms and I roll back onto my back as if she knocked me down. She loves doing this. We did it a few times because she kept asking.

I got up to leave with my S and my D was clinging to me crying. She wouldn't let go. I had to pry her hands of my shirt and hand her to my W. She kept saying, "I want daddy.'

In the middle of this my W said something, and I didn't hear it. So I asked her what she said. She said, "We'll talk about it later. I just want to do something about this (indicating my daughter crying and clinging to me). She said, "I think if we just come in and grab stuff and leave right away this wont' happen." I said, "It happens then anyway. All the times we do that she does this. I think she just needs to get used to it."

This is the stuff my W doesn't want to deal with. I keep thinking to myself, WTF, didn't you know this was going to happen? Or is this part of the cr@p you conveniently leave out of your 'fantasy' world?

My S and I had fun last night. He just wanted to play a Star Wars game on the Xbox with me so we did that for quite some time. When I was putting him to bed he asked, "Are we going to be with you or mom on Christmas?" I told him, "Well you'll be with one of us on Christmas Eve and the other on Christmas Day." He said, "I just wanted to know where I needed to put my stocking. I want to be with mom Christmas Eve and you on Christmas Day. Why can't we all be together for Christmas?" I just told him I would talk to his mom about it all.

I dropped my S off this morning and went in and asked my W if she wanted me to make cereal for him. She said "No, I want to make this quick so D doesn't get upset."

As I was putting my S stuff down she told the kids, "We're going out today. I need to pick up a GPS." I said, "We already have one." She told me she couldn't find it and hasn't seen it since I went to Colorado with the kids. We walk into the dining room and there it is on top of the table with all the other junk piled up there.

Of course my mind goes to - she must be going on a trip. I wonder if she's going down to Washington DC to go visit her 'friend' K (the guy she went to HS with and has been in love with her the whole time - she's been spending a lot of time with him lately). Probably needs a GPS for that.

My stomach did a little flip and I thought about asking, "You going on a trip?" Of course I was a bit curious to KNOW, because after all, we love to know everything so we can somehow...what? control it...lol

I over-road my impulse to say anything and just left. When I got in the car I did my mantra - Ok, it may be that or it may not. It doesn't matter. Let her live her life and don't get mentally into it. It has nothing to do with you and it's her path to walk. I know it sticks you in the gut a little bit but it's ok. It's normal. If she's got a 'thing' with him it's what she needs to be doing. I wonder if there is a way to have the GPS keep a memory of where it's been? Oh that's stupid. Why would you want to do that? So I can know! What's the difference whether you know or not? Blah, blah, blah.

I keep pulling my mind away from her and back onto me and my life. It's a constant watching it drift to her, then I pull it back on me.

It only gets triggered now with events like this. The normal day to day stuff and I don't get tangled in the stinkin' thinkin'. But when something keys it off (like the GPS thing, or my kids telling me "Mommy's going to visit K for a few days by a lake) it starts to do it's stupid dance.

Don't get me wrong, it's not as pervasive or as persistent as it used to be but it's still a pain in the a$$.

Anyway, figured I'd put that 'internal workings of me' out there.