Scared as Hell

[pinhead]

He doesn't care about divorce stats. He cares about his feelings.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You can send him divorce stats via e-mail, as "truth darts."

Part of my approach with my wife, as I was taught, was that "you can't teach a wayward." You can -- at best -- land little "truth darts" every now and again. These were some of mine:

TRUTH DARTS:

-I will not hide your affair.
-I will not financially support your affair.
-It's your mess, you clean it up.
-Send her an email with STD statistics, no other comments.
-Secrets kill marriages.
-You are being played.
- Your current behavior is not helping the children.
- "No contact" means "no contact". Working in close quarters with someone who's admitted being attracted to you, and vice-versa, is inappropriate in a HEALTHY marriage. It's absolutely DESTRUCTIVE in one that's on the rocks!
- How will you be able to counsel your daughters one day if they're having problems? To cut and run? To have an affair?
- You are placing your friend before your husband, and your friendship before your marriage.
- Forget ME for a moment; you are not going to like yourself someday if you keep going down this path.
- (S14) and (S11) need you more than ever.

IF SHE TRIES "R" TALK:

DON'T argue past points with her. Simply state the truth of today.

- She is having an affair.

- It is impossible to analyze issues with the marriage as along as she is having an affair.

- You can't analyze a relationship where one partner is making unilateral decisions to bring a third person into the relationship.

- Betrayal is an intensely painful action for one person to inflict on another.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

d92.

you are lucky to have puppy post on your thread early on.

IMO, and I think puppy even said something along these lines months ago in a post I read:

The newbies here are so emotionally distraught that they will listen to other newbies b/c the are telling them what they want to hear. They do consider the Vets advice b/c it's not what hey want to hear.

Just remember that. receiving 2x4s wakes people up.

Essentially puppy's first post to you is your key to success.

It will take you time to fully understand it but if you're here long enough, it will stick.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

IMO, and I think puppy even said something along these lines months ago in a post I read:

The newbies here are so emotionally distraught that they will listen to other newbies b/c the are telling them what they want to hear. They do consider the Vets advice b/c it's not what hey want to hear.

That wasn't me. But it suuuuure is true.


Puppy

[TimeHeals]

If you're experiencing intense emotional adjustments, a week can seem like months, and detaching is just something you talk about.

From my own experience, you're better off setting boundaries, calling any BS (in a non-@sshole way), and then telling yourself the truth: "This is not how somebody who loves you acts, and what you really want is her/him to love you, but they don't right now, and they may never love you again, and that just isn't what you want".

Once you accept that, I think things flow more easily. No jumping through hoops to impress the WAS, no futile attempts at initiating reconnections, no self-deception.

Let go because they don't love you, and then be open minded about whatever may follow but knowing you don't want somebody back who doesn't really love you.

[desperate1992]

The feelings are so intense. I just want to crawl out of myself if that makes sense. The problem with us is we've been avoidant and nothing has changed. I am trying to be detached but think it's hurting us, but I know trying to talk to him does too.

Then I get confusing messages from him. I came home yesterday and he had dinner made and we laughed (I tried hard to laugh but it's difficult.) He even offered to wash my car, but I told him that I would do it. He still cleaned the trunk for me. Is this his guilt? I just want to hug and kiss him and to think clearly before he throws it all away. I was sitting there looking at the kids thinking...this could all be over soon. The kids have no idea we are fighting but I suspect they know something is up because I look sad. I cant't stand sleeping in the same bed with him because he falls asleep so quickly, like it's not bothering him. And I want him so badly to say..let's fix this for us and the kids.

I am rambling and certainly desperate.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

From my own experience, you're better off setting boundaries, calling any BS (in a non-@sshole way), and then telling yourself the truth: "This is not how somebody who loves you acts, and what you really want is her/him to love you, but they don't right now, and they may never love you again, and that just isn't what you want".

Once you accept that, I think things flow more easily.

Yep! It's also very similar to the "Band of Brothers/You're already dead" thing (SmileysPerson) or "Stockdale Paradox" thing (Coach) espouses.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The feelings are so intense. I just want to crawl out of myself if that makes sense. The problem with us is we've been avoidant and nothing has changed. I am trying to be detached but think it's hurting us, but I know trying to talk to him does too.

Then I get confusing messages from him. I came home yesterday and he had dinner made and we laughed (I tried hard to laugh but it's difficult.) He even offered to wash my car, but I told him that I would do it. He still cleaned the trunk for me. Is this his guilt? I just want to hug and kiss him and to think clearly before he throws it all away. I was sitting there looking at the kids thinking...this could all be over soon. The kids have no idea we are fighting but I suspect they know something is up because I look sad. I cant't stand sleeping in the same bed with him because he falls asleep so quickly, like it's not bothering him. And I want him so badly to say..let's fix this for us and the kids.

I am rambling and certainly desperate.

Desperate,

You're not getting it (that's ok -- many new people don't). Your husband can SMELL your fear and your desperation, and it's evident from your posts and even from the username you chose for yourself!

When you accept these favors from him, while he's wayward, he just sees this as you accepting what he's doing. He's trying to "normalize" the affair. It's classic infidelity SCRIPT.

And this:

The problem with us is we've been avoidant and nothing has changed. I am trying to be detached but think it's hurting us, but I know trying to talk to him does too.

is another classic newbie mistake. DBing IS COUNTERINTUITIVE -- it won't feel natural. BEING DETACHED DOESN'T HURT YOU!

Have you read DB or DR yet? Because these are all VERY BASIC concepts, that you're going to need to understand and use like YESTERDAY if you're going to have any sort of shot at this.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think if she puts the hammer down to quickly on him that she could push him further away. Sounds like she has been trying to push him into staying in the M and should just back off and give him some space and time. While he's figuring things out she needs to GAL and move on herself so she becomes more attractive to him.

Thanks for the explanation. I both agree and disagree, depending on what you mean.

Yes, she needs to GAL, and she needs to "let him go" (see Gucci's excellent thread of this same name/topic). But if by "put the hammer down" you mean "setting and enforcing boundaries," I strongly disagree. It is at this early stage that a betrayed spouse NEEDS to lay out (and learn to enforce) effective boundaries, for their own emotional health. The "pushes them further away" thing is a myth, as by the time people find us on these forums their spouses are typically ALREADY in full runaway mode.

Puppy

[desperate1992]

I just ordered DR, but isnt it too late? So what you're saying is to do the opposite of what I'm feeling? So when he makes dinner, I should tell him he's an ahole?

I'm trying to be good so it works. Pulling my hair out!