A new day ... or something equally cliche ....

[PEI]

Good morning all! And it is. A good morning that is.

I started this morning by journalling thoughts that swirled around in my head, thoughts that I wanted to get down on paper after a late night convo with a great friend.

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August 26, 2010
Our 10 year wedding anniversary

So here I am on what should have been a day of celebration ~ contemplating instead.

Happiness... partnership... how are those related? Are they? Have I ever truly known either? Was I happy? It would be a cop out to say NO. Of course I was happy sometimes, maybe even lots of times, so it's not the existence of happiness in my marriage that I now ponder so much as the trueness of that happiness. And what happiness really is and what it's based on.

I have never truly loved myself, never truly accepted myself, never truly been happy with ME. In a nutshell, any happiness I felt came entirely from external sources. My job, my husband, my kids, my extended family, my friends, etc. I had no basis, no centered core, on which to house this happiness so it came and went. I shared it with my husband, yet it wasn't really mine to share.

So now, as the LBSs, we focus on being happy on our own, for ourselves. Discovering who we REALLY are under all the masks we've put on over the years. We take off the masks, start to peel away the layers, and come to realize that we are not worthy because someone loves us, but rather someone will love us because we are worthy.

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So I challenged myself? What should have been a day of celebration? Serious disprespect there for all that I have in my life to be grateful for. So today, I choose to celebrate.

I celebrate and am grateful for my life.

I have my health.
I have three wonderful, strong, beautiful children.
I have a stbxH that is a great dad.
I have a home I can afford to keep.
I have a good paying job with incredible flexibility.
I have an amazing extended family and support system.
I have friends here at home who love and support me.
I have an incredible personal growth opportunity.

I have you.

Believe it or not, I have trouble finding words to express the gratitude I feel towards all of you. You have supported me with love, honesty, compassion, challenges, questions, empathy and humor.

Eric - I learn from you every single day. Your desire to dig deep and root out the truth, even when it hurts, even when it's hard, even when you're afraid ... inspires me.

Brooklyn - You, sista-friend, are a special kind of woman. If I ever reach a point where I am half as compassionate, half as strong as you are I will be in a very good place. You are a gift from above.

Missher - thank you for sharing Little Friday. You are a good friend and I have learned much from you, your ability to calm and listen are very appreciated.

Grit - you push me past my comfort zone and I appreciate that. I aspire to love unconditionally the way you do.

Bear - hey there my new Canadian buddy. I love the way you just say what's on your mind ... you're ok in my books, ya know, for an old guy.

Lance - you care so much about the folks on this board and I appreicate that you challenge me and push me.

Shel - girlfriend, I love your sense of humor. Don't ever lose it, it will see you through many tough spots as I'm sure it already has.

Jack - if you're lurnking out there somewhere ... thank you. You were my first poster when I hit the MLC board and your honesty and ability to call bullsh!t pushed me forward.

Cat - talk about an ability to cal bullsh!t. You've helped me more than you might realize.

Puppy - I really respect the amount of time and effort you give the people on these boards. And I thank you for the support you've given me right from the moment I hit the newcomers board back in March.

Lolawar - you are asking all the right questions, just make sure to take the time to be still and find YOUR answers.

PG - thank you for your support, it means a lot to me that you still pop in and offer up encouragement on a regular basis.

And to the rest of you, far too numberous to name ... thank you. These boards have provided me with an outlet and a safe place to land on many occasions, and for that I am eternally grateful. Keep diggin' deep, keep moving forward ...

Today I choose to celebrate...

Peace
PEI