Relocated the family and he dropped the bomb

[Coach]

Ooooh, I got one of those done, Coach. I (just me, not including his school loans) am totally debt free. Since we sold the house and moved, no mortgage, no student loans, no CC debt. We try to pay the cards off every month but we had a balance since the move and I paid that off yesterday. So if I have to embark on life as a single mom, I'm ok financially and that does feel good.

Positive action feels good doesn't it? Keep moving, be a great role model for your kids, they are watching you.

Cheers

[steady]

Priority #1 - get the script filled and start taking the meds.

By what you wrote you are in a depression. The quicker you take action the quicker you'll bounce back.

You can't do what you need to do if you're in a funk. Believe me, I know first hand. You can follow all the advice you get, but it will be extremely difficult if you're head isn't clear.

When you feel depressed everything looks gloomy. It's hard to get motivated each day. When you look into the future you see nothing but negativity and things not working out. When that happens, fear arises. When the fear arises a sort of paralysis happens...it becomes a self feeding loop.

If the fear takes over you will have a very difficult time making decisions and drawing boundaries that are healthy for you because you will be afraid they will cause the very thing you fear.

[BeingMe]

Being financially secure when going into a possible single mom scenario, is less stressful. Yet, I can imagine how burdensome it must feel, contemplating the road ahead, with children in mind. But, I think there is a lot of hope in your situation. You just have to get out of this slump in which you seem to be. It is hard, very hard, to be a SAHM. So many people think how easy it must be, but it's not. You need a break from the little people, be with adults, have grown-up conversation even if it's with a person on the treadmill next to you at the gym. You have one friend there ... is she a SAHM? If so, perhaps you can swop babysitting between the two of you. It will give you time to go do some stuff without the children ... browse the bookstores, shop the mall, have your nails done, take up karate (good stress releasing and confidence builder), do the grocery shopping on your own even. Just for an hour or two.

Just some things that might work. Once you have found some space to think, you will find you will come up with resolutions to your M. You will have to be creative because your H is confused, depressed and is letting things hang, from what I can deduce from your descriptions.

One day at a time.

[LRT Land]

MM - I too am financially independent, and though it makes the financial aspect less frightening the thought of D and a broken family is still so difficult. I've had to reach to accept that may be my outcome. It isn't what I wanted for my DD. I try to hold on to all the good things in my life so I can rise above the garbage that H sometimes spews at me or tosses on our life.

WHich AD did they give you? There are so many and often, like birth control pills, you have to try a few before you find the one that works for your body.

Do what you can to stay busy and get out of the house. THe first step is the hardest and then once you are moving it should get better.

[MM78]

I got my script. I texted DH to let him know we were coming to the hospital pharmacy and he said let him know when we got there. He came down to see the kids for about 10 minutes and brought them each a cookie. I noticed he got a text msg when we were there so I came home and looked at the bill. Sure enough, he contacted OW this morning and they've been texting all morning.

How do I handle this? Do I tell him to go to a hotel now?

My heart just totally sunk and I had been having a pretty pleasant day so far too.

[Coach]

Sure enough, he contacted OW this morning and they've been texting all morning.

How do I handle this? Do I tell him to go to a hotel now?



"I have decided I can't live in a open marriage. This marriage isn't working for me. It is disrespectful to me and the girls for you to carry on like this. You are not welcome at home anymore. I will contact a L and start the D proceedings."

Let him go. Take all the pressure off him. He gets to make the next move. If you don't do anything about the unacceptable behavior then it just continues. Your family won't survive with him devoting time, energy and money to another woman. Time for him to feel the consequences.

You can handle it.

[steady]

MM78 I know the fear you feel when you read Coach's post. But I firmly believe his advice is spot on.

Things won't move unless YOU move them. He's cake eating. He already told you he was stopping contact and now he's gone back on that. You can't trust him.

Cut him loose and see what happens. The only way past fear is through it. Claim your power and self respect back. How long do you want to continue feeling your heart totally sink?

Haven't you felt it enough?

[MM78]

Well, I guess we will see what happens.

I wanted to go out on my own tonight but he didn't get home until after the kids bedtime so I ended up doing that alone again. I asked him what is the status of our situation, he said there is no status, it just is. I asked what was new with OW and he said he thought today was her birthday so he texted her. (tomorrow is her b-day). I said how many texts did that take (since it was all day). He said we just kept talking. Not talking to her for 5 days didn't make me any happier so we are going to talk and text. So I pulled out the address of the hotel out of my back pocket and handed it to him and said you need to stay here then. Go to work tomorrow, (overnight), and Saturday you can check in. He said why don't I just get an apartment and save the money? I said do you really want to jump to that point? Are you telling me you are done and we are not trying at all for the girls?

I know I said more than I should but I am mad. I rolled the suitcase in and said what time do you want to see them Sunday? 5-8? Do you want me to drop them off or are you going to pick them up? And then I said some stuff I shouldn't have like 'I hope OW can fill the hole in your heart that the girls leave behind' and 'You can be your dad, but I refuse to be your mom, so you can be your dad alone'. I did say I am tired of being completely disrespected. We BOTH moved here to work on our family and have a better life and so far we've done nothing for that. We opened up to each other with what we are unhappy about and he is still bring the past (OW) into our lives, but together WE have done nothing to try as a team. I don't care if we both feel we tried for the past few years, we have never communicated and tried together.

So I guess now I wait and see what a few nights in a hotel will do for him. Obviously he is going to contact OW and I'm sure her take will be 'you haven't been happy in so long, blah blah blah'.

FML.

[BeingMe]

Wow! You go girl! You took back your power, and self respect. I wonder how comforting the OW will be on the other side of a text message, in a hotel room. You might've pointed out when he proposed you move to an apartment, that your next move will be back to "previous city" where you will start D proceedings. Of course, as long as you are willing to follow through.

I don't believe how little he is at home. Is it true that he has all these functions, and don't wives attend as well? Surely, families are important for his job to succeed?

They say you should believe half of what they say, and then that half is also suspect. He has told you all kinds of stories, and has never followed through with promises. The only way you're going to get this OW out of your lives (and this is risky, and only my opinion) is to detach, and start to live your own life. Make sure you are the contrast to this clingy, unattractive woman .... in other words, always looking your best; happy; giving him lots of space; when he talks, listen and validate; GAL and be firm that he has to be at home at a certain time to take care of the children because you have somewhere to be every Tuesday (or whatever). I think this is called LRT, or tough love.

Good luck.

Take care.

[Greek]

Well, I guess we will see what happens.

That is not a plan.

I asked him what is the status of our situation

Why does he get to decide??

I asked what was new with OW

Did you FORGET that you don't give a rat's about her? RECLAIM YOUR DIGNITY and do NOT ask this again.

So I pulled out the address of the hotel out of my back pocket and handed it to him and said you need to stay here then. Go to work tomorrow, (overnight), and Saturday you can check in.

Why "check in" Saturday?

He said why don't I just get an apartment and save the money? I said do you really want to jump to that point? Are you telling me you are done and we are not trying at all for the girls?

You need him to pronounce that for you? He was supposed to be no contact or else...and he busted that. Don't ask him - tell him "Good idea b/c this marriage is not working for me."

I know I said more than I should but I am mad.

No more buts.

So I guess now I wait and see what a few nights in a hotel will do for him.

Wait and see is not a plan!
Greek