INTERESTED IN MLC FOR LBS

[ericmsant2]

Bobby

So

What kind of man do you want to be?

The one that got you here?

Or

A better man?

One that will lead you out of this and moving forward.

Your choice.

Think about this ^^^^^^^ long and hard buddy....long and hard.

Make a choice and stick with it! Stand and become better even though you have no one can assure you that she will return. OR

Run...run into the arms of someone else not ever accepting...changing...and becoming better.

Your call - choose wisely!

Eric

[seeking answers]

Bobby,

Most of spouses of the people on this board have an ow/om. Most are still standing for their M.

Say for instance that your W moves out. You set the boundary with her that if she dates you're through, that it's a deal breaker. You'd better be prepared to follow through with that boundary or any one you set from then on will mean nothing to her. So are you prepared to enforce the boundary? What would that look like to you?

Correct me if I have it wrong dear friends, but with a MLCer setting boundaries especially early on just pushes the MLCer further away because they feel that the spouse is still trying to control or fix them.

If your W moves out the convos you have should be strictly about children or finances. No R talks initiated by you. The same as while she's still there.

This is hard schit Bobby. It's counter intuitive to what you think you should be doing. If you want the chance to save your M you have to save yourself first. Work on you and even though it's easier said than done, give your W the space she's asking for. She has already left the M emotionally. That's why detaching is so important for you. It keeps you from letting your W's actions keep you spinning.

[LanceSijan]

Correct me if I have it wrong dear friends, but with a MLCer setting boundaries especially early on just pushes the MLCer further away because they feel that the spouse is still trying to control or fix them.

I think this is the crux of the difference between MLC board and the rest of the DB forum.
The boundary must be set and enforced at some point. I believe, it is after replay is over or near the end of that stage. Now if you ask PDT he believes it should be set early in the crisis. What we see as controlling he see as necessary.

I would be interested to hear what other wise MLC board members would say.

[ericmsant2]

Lance/SA

I agree - in most cases the boundaries cannot be set too soo with an MLCer. In the crisis the MLCer is exploring, searching, looking for that portion of themselves that they could not find within the "confines" of the M. Setting a boundary does not nothing more than confine them so more.

Throw in the reality that none of us are usually ready early in the process to enforce them. Yes we can..and...we run to another person...but have we truly address our issues - no.

Think about this Bobby.

[fisherman]

The boundary must be set and enforced at some point. I believe, it is after replay is over or near the end of that stage. Now if you ask PDT he believes it should be set early in the crisis. What we see as controlling he see as necessary.

I would be interested to hear what other wise MLC board members would say.

A boundary is for you. It is well thought out and done for you on a personal level.

You lay it to protect you or what you believe in. Nothing more.

There is absolutely no set point in MLC time to lay a boundary. You're not doing it to control them or to influence them. I can't say it enough. You lay a boundary for you.

When you lay it, be prepared for it to be tested or broken. So think long and hard as to how you will follow through once it's broken. Lance, I believe you are confusing the time frame because folks on here tend to say boundaries come later on.

The main reason that is said IMO is because many times the LBS isn't mentally prepared to lay it correctly and follow through, and yes, they aren't going to listen to them early on.

I never really understood that however, just because they aren't going to listen doesn't mean one shouldn't be put in place when needed. It isn't about them. It's for you.

[fisherman]

I can't stress enough about it being a well thought out plan of action.

It also requires taking a serious and very honest look at yourself and the situation.

Many times early on the LBS, for lack of a better word, will fool themselves as to why they are really placing it.

[Truegritter]

many times the LBS isn't mentally prepared to lay it correctly and follow through.

I agree with this.

Bobby you have not had to deal with OM so far so maybe that idea is just a killer.

I can tell you as much as the idea the actual deed is worse...

BUT

You have to come to understand that if you believe your W is MLC

and

You want to try to save your M

You are going to have to emabark on a journey that will shake every entitled, self serving idea you have about love and M.

I post this a lot.

When you married your wife did you say this:

"I will love and honor you all the days of my life, for better or worse

BUT

If you get scared and lose your way

I won't"

? You didn't vow that did you? But maybe that is what we meant really?

Most people don't have the stomach for the "worse" in "for better or worse"

And how would you want to be loved?

When you are peaceful and contented

Or

When your demons are chasing you?

When you are so scared you make poor decisions about your life?

We get what we give my friend.

If you decide to embark on this journey you will challenge yourself and every idea you have

When you come through the other side you will see a man in the mirror that

you always aspired to be.

And maybe

Maybe

Your M is saved.

[LanceSijan]

Yes I have been thinking about this, since I posted it and I do agree with you. The boundary is for you. I guess I never understood that either about the timing.

Well maybe to restate it seems like sometimes boundaries are thrown around like a tactic. I never thought that, and never really needed one for myself until much later.

I do know that until the boundary is placed and enforced the mlc'er will not move forward. However that is not to say that just because you place it and enforce it they WILL move forward. They might just turn around and run the other way.

Anyway very good explanation T, thanks for that!

[Bobby O]

Our son came back from Iraq with his unit. He was tired and really wanted to rest. My daughter made it a point to show me that her mother was coming but I did not appear excited. I took pictures and just distanced myself. She ended up leaving with my 2 daughters and I went off by myself. I am planning on having a party for Brian over the Labor Day weekend. My wife said to me how can you have a party with no furniture in the house. I did not respond and quite honestly I was not planning on inviting her. I mean why shoud I? If it is a barbecue in the back who cares about the inside. The question is what about the in-laws and I supposed I could invite them and if they say no its their choice to come or not. I am sure they would wonder why my wife was not there but they will figure out I am sure. My wife is studying without a care in the world. She is as happy as a clam and I have to smile and fake it. Bobby O

[Truegritter]

I did not respond and quite honestly I was not planning on inviting her. I mean why shoud I?

I can think of a very good reason that has nothing to do with you.

?

?


It might be nice for your son to have his whole family at a gathering on Labor day?

Bobby please go back over the stuff that has been written to you.

This is hard man. The toughest things you will ever do in your life.

Why?

Because it requires you to take yourself out of the equation.

To heal you HAVE to stop looking at what your W is doing to you.

You will think you are a doormat until you gain that awareness.

There is a bigger goal here.

If you decide to make it your own.

People have written to you and others on these boards.

Spend some time please and read. Then read more.

This is all you.