Newer Game- Moving Forward

[steady]

And 6 hours later I have not had a follow up attempt from her.

Mustn't have been important or she was checking MY temperature.

Throw this stuff out CD. It's a waste of mental energy. These are only two of hundreds of possibilities.

I'm going to go out on the ledge here a little bit. This is what I see - it 'appears' the A may be starting to crack. You 'perceive' there may be some positive changes in your W - calling instead of texting, asking for help with certain things.

You are on a slippery slope. I have been there many times. You are putting too much focus on this stuff and it is getting you a bit 'high'. The reason I point this out is the next indication you translate as 'bad' is going to drop you from whatever height you're at.

Her actions mean nothing. If you put any meaning on them you are guessing, and you are guessing they are 'good'.

I'm not saying they aren't what they may appear to be, but I am saying you need to take the meaning out of them as it relates to YOU.

Sorry if this post is a bit of a downer CD, but I've been there and I'm only letting you know what I wish I could have done in my own sitch. It's the same advice I got from the vets who were on my thread at the time.

[CD Bear]

Oh, my brother Steady!!

I needed to see EXACTLY THAT in WRITING.

It was kind of floating around in my head since about 5. I had a couple of conversations today "off-board" and pieces of this were discussed.

These are the keys.

Throw this stuff out CD. It's a waste of mental energy.

Explains my lack of focus.

You are putting too much focus on this stuff and it is getting you a bit 'high'. The reason I point this out is the next indication you translate as 'bad' is going to drop you from whatever height you're at

In chatting with EricM, it sort of floated out of the discussion that WE have the ability to "FLATTEN" the hills and valleys of the coaster by doing EAXACTLY THIS aka LETTING GO!!!

Her actions mean nothing. ...I am saying you need to take the meaning out of them as it relates to YOU.

For lack of a better understanding, I need to see them as "Stage Direction" e.g 'She texted him', 'She moved', 'She called' PERIOD. No inflection; no agenda; no motive unless she actually says it....but then we don't believe anything they say anyway.

Better yet. Be "done" with the matter the second it is done. Forget about it as soon as it's done.

It's not a mystery novel. There is nothing to figure out. It just IS. No expectation beforehand. No expectation after.

Thanks Steady.

A perfect end to the day and a great start on Thursday.

[LanceSijan]

Let me point out that the complete opposite of what steady said could also happen, and that does not mean she is reconciling.

Just stay on your path. You will be fine.

[steady]

I agree Lance. That's why I put this in there:

I'm not saying they aren't what they may appear to be, but I am saying you need to take the meaning out of them as it relates to YOU.

My point to him was not a guess at what will be, rather, for his own mental health he needs to stop trying to 'read' current events. We have absolutely no idea of what anything means until we can see it in hindsight. Even that only affords us just a small piece of clarity.

I've been there and I know where he's at by reading the last bunch of posts regarding his sitch. If he could do what I couldn't he'll be that much more ahead than I was.

WE decide how much of the ups and downs of the roller coaster we ride. I didn't understand this for the longest time.

[LanceSijan]

I agree Lance. That's why I put this in there:

I'm not saying they aren't what they may appear to be, but I am saying you need to take the meaning out of them as it relates to YOU.

My point to him was not a guess at what will be, rather, for his own mental health he needs to stop trying to 'read' current events. We have absolutely no idea of what anything means until we can see it in hindsight. Even that only affords us just a small piece of clarity.

I've been there and I know where he's at by reading the last bunch of posts regarding his sitch. If he could do what I couldn't he'll be that much more ahead than I was.

WE decide how much of the ups and downs of the roller coaster we ride. I didn't understand this for the longest time.

Where is puppy's whistle?

[Truegritter]

CD

Listen to Steady.

But still you will have to make mistakes and learn.

There is part of this I have been telling you

I will call it the "I know" syndrome.

You hear something.

You understand it.

And you shake your head yes.

And say "I know"

Because you think you understand it by hearing it.

It only has longevity if you experience it.

Sometimes you have to experience the consequence of it

To really "know" it.

Pain is a great teacher.

[CD Bear]

Thanks, guys!!

Lance-I appreciate you pointing out the reciprocal. It was important to have it ststed rather than assumed. Oddly,after a night in bed (sleep is a relative term), I feel strangely calm and somewhat resigned to non-reconciliation. I am beginning to seriously doubt whether I want her back anymore. Don't fully understand why this perspective hit so fast or hard, but I'm losing my interest in her returning. And it keeps framing itself as "xxx bhvr is unhealthy for me"

Steady-I think you earned a "Stcky that Sucka" from Puppy with your last. In fact, I'm gonna take your response and put it on SunnyD's thread. She sounds like she's in the came leaky boat as I am. Looking for clues; trying to know what she should do next IN RESPONSE TO/TO GENRATE THE RIGHT RESPONSE FROM her H.
All her actions, thoughts and reactions are dependent on HIM. She (and I) are lookinh through the wrong end of the telescope.

Gritter-Very nicely put, my friend, "I KNOW". I say I know but do I really? I read and hear the theory. I understand the concepts; scripts; etc. But I am still struggling to ACT on the underlying motive. I've discussed it severeal times. DB'ing draws us in with the hope and plan to recover our marriages. But underneath it all, disgiused in the GAL'ing and 180's, and "Be the Better Option', etc, is THE LIFE LESSON. It's less about them than it is about us. It is really all about us. Reframing our lives; looking through the right end of the telescope; abandon the idea you can control anything other than you. Subtly, it becomes less about the rebuilding the marriage and more about rebuilding ourselves. If we were half the problem in the marriage, WORK ON THAT HALF and you will find the marriage improves or it doesn't. But that will be OK becasue either way you are ready for the rest of your life and are now on the right road. Yes, this is the Advanced Class, and the teachers tell me I'm keeping up OK, I lose sight of the fact that there is "the lab portion". Knowing is only half the grade. DOING/EXPERIENCING is the other.

PEI-Read your post this morning. I loved it. You, my dear, are inspiring. I never would have seen that perspective for next Thursday (my Anniversary). Please remember to flash your light back my way now and again so I can try to keep up. You're on the path I'm trying to follow.

Today is another day. One at a time. Do my best with this one. Don't worry about yesterday or tomorrow. Can't change either. (Thanks, ERIC!)

Thanks to all.
I shudder to think where I'd be without you.

[SunnyD]

Yeah - my boat is leaky at the moment and I could use any help I can get! LOL

Here's the thing: my sitch is hard to decipher so I don't know what to do. H and I are supposed to be working on things, so in ways, I feel I should be looking for ways to draw him back in. Your case, CD, is a bit more cut and dry in that there's no way I'd be looking to properly motivate my WAS if there wasn't some level of commitment. I don't mean to sound like your sitch is "easier" - lol. I just have a hard time separating myself out. I keep thinking maybe I should be in the "piecing" phase and maybe I'm not supposed to be yet....

To not hijack your thread here, lol, it's a good thing you pointed out - about making sure to look through the proper end of the telescope! :-) Helps keep me on task, for sure. And hey - anything you want to post is fine! I could use all the help I could get right now as I am trying to stay in the right frame of mind.

[CD Bear]

Sunny-
I just put Steady's "Hammer" on your thread.

IMO, your indecision comes from this VVVVVV

my sitch is hard to decipher so I don't know what to do.

It's even harder for YOU to decipher because your are emotionally connected to it. And the 'ciphering' is going through YOUR filters.
And then you are ACTING on likely false 'reads' of the sitch.

Hard to be consistent when the data is faulty.

Do what you need to do to be the person you want to be in the M. PERIOD. Cause that's who you're going to stay in the marriage.

My 2 cents, Sunny.

[SunnyD]

Hey....when did you get so dang insightful?!!!!

LOL

CLASS IS IN SESSION and CD is substituting today!!!
:-)

PS: I'll take the comments about my sitch back to my own thread to reply.