She's in MLC, but I was weak. Now what?

[crushednstuck]

Punkin I'm on board with your thinking. I don't discount what's in the books, but quite frankly taking care of two small kids, and a house designed for two caretakers leaves no time for the luxury of books. I've already let the landscaping go. I typically choose to spend the 30 minutes I sometimes get to make it to the gym.
My IC has counseled against becoming a shut-in. How do you GAL when focusing on yourself? My new life will include more friends. How do you avoid stoking her jealous fires when simply trying to make new friends?
With all thanks, Grit and Lance, I appreciate the input and suggestions, I'm just struggling with the logistical reality of being a single parent.

[PEI]

I bed to differ CNS, and I have kids the same age as your AND a two year old. 10 minutes a day is doable.

How do you avoid stoking her jealous fires when simply trying to make new friends?

Make male friends?

How do you GAL when focusing on yourself?

GALing is only part of the process. No one here would suggest becoming a shut in. Ever.

But you can't do the work without some quiet, still time either.

PEI

[LanceSijan]

CNS

I'm just saying

Knowledge is Power.

[crushednstuck]

I don't disagree Lance. I've spent a couple days just reading the posts on other threads. Man, there are some wordy, thoughtful folks out there.
I suppose the root of the issue is that I am sort of indifferent at times. I read through the LBS stages thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1
and found no evidence of the "I don't give a sh** anymore" stage. I am simultaneously in IC and couples counseling (its not MC because she doesn't want to talk about M) and find it emotionally exhausting. Further, I'm not sure I'm getting much out of either. I really don't want to put the effort into picking up another damn book.
Is it possible that I was just angry at the betrayal and that I don't really love her enough to pursue this process further?
I may have entered Depression / Resentment, but I am having a hard time recalling any feelings of intense love for her. Though I could say the same about any relationship of mine - outside of my kids.

[LanceSijan]

I may have entered Depression / Resentment, but I am having a hard time recalling any feelings of intense love for her.

Yes sounds like you are in this stage. Depression, don't care about anything, have no love.

Are you eating properly, sleeping well, exercising? All could be signs of depression if you said NO.
If you can't get out and GAL and start moving you might also want to think about some ST John's Wort or getting on some AD's.

I was never depressed but doctor said I had stress.(Ya think?)
Same prescription for stress as depression. I went on AD's. No shame in that. They really helped.

You must take care of YOU. That is #1 job right now.

You can do this.

[ericmsant2]

Crushed

Is it possible that I was just angry at the betrayal and that I don't really love her enough to pursue this process further?

Anything is possible my friend...BUT...is it that you really no longer love her or is it that you are tired and frustrated because SHE is not doing what YOU want. What YOU expect her to do?

Seriously dude - think about that.. think about your vows.

For better or for worse - this buddy is the worse part.

You wanna bail - fine go ahead. Just make sure you are doing it for the right reason. Lack of patience or understanding are not good reasons.

Man...I know you are tired. I know you are frustrated. How about instead of looking at her and all of her issues. Instead of looking at the old M, instead of looking at what could happen...maybe you should start looking inside YOURSELF.

This sh*t is not for weak of heart. If you want a magic pill to make you feel better right now...then go out and meet someone new...it will make you feel good right now. You want to feel better for the rest of your life...look inside...look inside.

Your call Crushed...your call.

Whatever ya do....No regrets....make sure it is what YOU want. Not based on how you "feel" today...cause tomorrow you could feel different. Know what...so could she!

God Bless,
Eric

[crushednstuck]

Eric, you're prolific and I appreciate the attention to my sitch. However, I don't really care what she's doing. She's proven herself unpredictable and hateful and the realization that I can't change her was made crystal clear.
I'm just saying that I'm tired of looking, emoting, thinking, reading. I'm afraid I don't care enough about my marriage anymore to put the effort in. I do want to be released from this person that I seemingly have nothing in common with, except our kids.
I am willing to hang on to find out more about myself for my sake. I've already strayed and feel almost no guilt about it. Yet I'm scared of the loneliness. It can't possibly be lonelier than I already am. I alternate between wanting to peek out from beneath the skirt of the M and shying away from any contact with anyone except my W. I'm hoping there's more to her than what I've seen during the M and the horror of the last year.

[LanceSijan]

Hey CNS I posted to you above Eric's last post.
Did you even read it?

You are really stuck in the bog and murk.

Please at least read my post above and grunt.

YOU have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and quit wallowing around.

Only YOU can do that. No one else!

[Mach1]

Crushed.....

I have been reading your thread since you started posting, and I gotta say.....You are all over the map...

You have some of the best people here posting to you, and yet you find every excuse to blow them off...

So your wife is MLC.....

Boo, F-in Hoo...

Doesn't give you permission to be the victim.

So you had a "fling" and felt no guilt over it...

My guess is, because you did it to get back at her..

Tit-for-Tat...Sorry , doesn't work that way.

You say you want to 'hang' to "work on you"...When does that start ?

You think its lonely now ?

Try walking the streets of Bitterville when it gets dark outside.


Right now. you have been given a gift....A gift of time, to sort through yourself,and find you again.

THAT is your only free pass here...

You are choosing to be Crushed
You are choosing to be Stuck
You are choosing to be a victim

Are you starting to see the pattern ?


To become UN-crushed
To become UN-stuck

Your choices need to be different...

Until you choose differently, your patterns will repeat.

I hope you choose to stay and do the work.

[ericmsant2]

Crushed

I wanted to say that I can see the anger in your post. Crushed, it is okay to be angry. It is what YOU do with this anger that makes a difference for YOU, for your W, for your health, for your M.

I don't really care what she's doing

Yes you do and STOP fuc*ing lying to yourself about it. You can lie to me, lie to others…hell you can even lie to yourself BUT is that what you really want to do?

She's proven herself unpredictable and hateful

More anger up there^^^^^ I bet she was not always like this BUT you can’t see that because you are angry. Honestly, if you did not love her or care about what SHE is doing you would not be angry. Another thing you are angry about is this….

the realization that I can't change her was made crystal clear

No you can’t change her and it sucks. Guess what…I wonder what she was thinking when you were being a pin head. What did she want YOU to change that YOU never changed. Ohh…it is soo easy to keep looking at her…soo easy to want to throw in the towel and say F it…so easy. Do you know what is harder? I’ll tell ya…it is making a change in YOU. It is working on yourself – on your issues. That my friends take balls..takes courage.

I'm just saying that I'm tired of looking, emoting, thinking, reading

Your tired because you have not let go. Deep down in yourself you still feel like you can change and control this. When you realize you can’t you get pissed off and want to quit. BTDT! Let go…


When you let go you will gain some clarity and peace. You will be able to look at your M in a different way. I am not going to blow smoke up you’re a**….you will get angry, you will get frustrated…BUT you will find what you are looking for, which is answers!

I'm afraid I don't care enough about my marriage anymore to put the effort in.

Sorry I say bullchit! If I recall you are big dude…a strong man. How fuc*ing strong is this statement. How long did your W put up with YOUR chit. How long Crushed? Don’t answer me answer yourself!

I do want to be released from this person that I seemingly have nothing in common with, except our kids.

Is she holding you back or are you? Nothing in common….yeah…I know…all of sudden chit does not go your way and you have nothing in common. Your W is going to change and is changing – you buddy are not. You are pissed and stuck. Get unstuck and maybe you have more in common than you think.

I am willing to hang on to find out more about myself for my sake

Are you sure of that..seemed like you are quitting on your M up above. Sure you have what it takes to do the work?

I've already strayed and feel almost no guilt about it.

Maybe you feel no guilt but cause you are running…running from yourself! Running from the man that YOU want to be. Running.. Hey Crushed FTR it is easier to run that to stand and face things. Much easier…that is after all what your W is doing. So is Crushed gonna run or man up and do the work.

Yet I'm scared of the loneliness. It can't possibly be lonelier than I already am.

Crushed I am scared too – I am no better than you my friend…I am just a regular guy. I too get lonely. So I can sit here and wallow in it or I can go get a fuc*ing life. I can go find my own happiness and not rely on my W or anyone else for that matter to provide it to me. Your call – this is after all your life not mine.

I'm hoping there's more to her than what I've seen during the M and the horror of the last year.

Then stop fuc*ing running – Period. Man the f up and do this chit…do it for your kids, do it for the women you love but MOST of all DO IT FOR Crushed!

FTR…you can tell me to go pound sand….I won’t take it personal…cause I know who I am…what about you Crushed…what about YOU? Can you look in the mirror buddy…you’re a big dude…are you big enough to face YOURSELF? Strong enough to do the work and for the first time in your life stop running...then again you could do what most do...run.

God Bless ya dude
Eric