Bustorama-Thread 1

[bustorama]

Hehe, Rob, I knew I could count on you for some input.

Few comments in response:

1) What about the Harley/Marriage Builders/Love Bucket theory do you not buy? Some of the stuff in DR follows that progression. In DR (MWD), there is a letter from a "successful" DB'er that says, "No gifts, I love yous, special occasions or anything other than being a [bold] very helpful father and kind friend [/bold]. There's also plenty of stuff in DR where they present cases of progress transitioning gradually from verbal warmth, to pats, to hugs and eventually to kissing and ML.

2) I'm not sure if you remember the details of my initial sitch, but my W has a HUGE trust issue with me now from my having the 2 concurrent EA's on her in 2008 and subsequently hiding.being deceptive about continued game play (so she was wondering if I was continuing to have other EA's). We had in-house separation from like Aug.09 where she wouldn't let me touch her at all and then moved out late May. Her distrust/anger of me was so much that she was literally having panic attacks while in the house, horrible insomnia, heavily medicated, and in June after she moved out stated 2 separate times that she was terrified I was going to kill her (she got full blown paranoia). So, I take her calling me her best friend at the end of August as "trust" progress of some sort. We can debate about whether continuing the same path will get to marital bliss or whether something needs to change in our relationship to try to re-sexualize things, but given where things were 2.5 months ago, I don't see it as all bad.

3) Because of her trust issues from the EA and my post-affair behavior, she has even declared things post-separation like, "I will never get married again," "I am broken, no man can be trusted," "I can't give you what you want yet, I need more time," "I can only be friends with you RIGHT NOW,"I'm not ready for that YET," "I can't be sexual with you right now," "I am terrified of opening myself up to you again," "I feel myself drawn to you, but I am so scared" (this most recently) In that last convo, she called me baby and said she was confused and wondered if maybe we could be best friends because she was so scared and I told her I understood why she felt that way, but that wasn't something I was interested in the long term. I really think she is scared $hitless about being vulnerable to me (or anyone) in a sexual relationship right now. I keep hoping she will decide she wants to do MC oriented towards intimacy after infidelity, but she said a couple of weeks ago she is not "ready for that."

5) When the ass rubbing or T shows happen I always say something to sexualize it to make it clear that I am not just her gay friend. When I was staying over there I also paraded around with my shirt off and wearing boxers that I didnt realize my package was hanging out of and she said she felt violated that I was sitting next to her with my stuff hanging out (she wouldn't feel violated by a gay friend, right?). And when she walked in on me while I was showering, she was nervously checking me out then left. In other words, I think there is something sexual still there, but she is scared or turned off still cause of the trust issues.

Welcome your thoughts and input about the TRUST bugaboo and how attraction can break through that.

Lemme go hit on my pipe a bit more