It's been nice having NC from him for the past few days.
It's probably a bad sign that I feel so relieved getting away from him.
Nope- it's called "detachment." And it is a very very healthy thing for you. Detachment from the ridiculous selfish behavior he is displaying now...the man he is now...not detachment from loving him and wanting to be married to an improved man. Feel empowered that we can stick a fork in you! (lol- YOU ARE DONE!)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
that grandmother example is perfect, NM! Yes. He wants me to reassure him and my presence and 'friendship' do that. Plus, he's always on the hunt for a listening ear! And I fill that quite nicely. But no mo'!
I wrote him today, said I didn't want to talk but he could send me a goodbye email, and said he could come over tomorrow because i will be with a friend, she and i will leave and both come back in about an hour and then he can leave.
he said okay and he could stay as long as i needed him.
so that's that.
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
LOVE your new sig line "Done with it all." WITH A SMILEY face, not an angry face.
And I have a very very good feeling that you will see some GOOD results come from dropping the rope. Within the next month if not sooner!!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
What do you mean he can send you a goodbye email? Like the one you sent him?
Bub says "u-guh" to you :-)
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
i've been specifically angry that wh has left me to do all the work. i'm working full time (soon), caring for the baby, trying to keep a clean house AND keep myself fit. Or get myself fit.
So I am realizing that I will need to see him more than I want to.
It was good tonight having a friend over and that sort of being a buffer between us. I'll try to get that more often. But sometimes i won't be able to have a friend with me.
And yes, I suggested the goodbye email since he wanted to 'talk.' and i was getting the point across that i was done!
I love the "u-guh"/Hi girl stuff!
I wanted to let y'all know an interesting thing.
The friend that I hung out with tonight is (sort of) an OW!
here's the story.
Guy: 35. Never married. However, had a baby with a live-in girlfriend.
the baby is now 3.
When his baby was 9 months old, he started an affair and eventually got that chick pregnant. Happened to be the one I talked with a few months ago and wrote about on here.
Probably around when that baby was 9 months old, he got with my friend from tonight. They've been together around 2 years. (My dates might be off, but bottom line is he was playing multiple women at once.)
My friend isn't sure if the original baby momma knows about her. But this guy basically lives with original baby momma and hides all of his correspondance with friend.
My friend is now telling him that he needs to either end it with original baby momma or commit to her.
Well, she's been telling him that for about a year. He just keeps being able to charm the both of them!
My friend says she'd be pissed, though, if she learned he was also sleeping with original baby momma. But since they live together, it kinda seems like it would happen. but he insists it isn't happening that way.
It's really weird to hear things from an OW perspective. My friend feels bad for the original baby momma (live-in girlfriend, perhaps?), but she also feels like she knows about what's happening.
Probably didn't fully make sense to you, but it's just interesting.
Really tired.
off to check threads!
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
i've been specifically angry that wh has left me to do all the work. i'm working full time (soon), caring for the baby, trying to keep a clean house AND keep myself fit. Or get myself fit. So I am realizing that I will need to see him more than I want to.
I think it's great to realise this sooner than later. Being a parent is a huge job, being a single mum is especially taxing. WH has removed himself from your immediate circle of support - either he steps in with hours/time, or he pays up so you can pay people to help you. That's reality, that's how it works. My feeling is that if you get WH to do his share, he might start to question the intelligence of what he's done. The alternative is that you reduce his influence in your life and engage others' to step in (like your sister).
Quote:
The friend that I hung out with tonight is (sort of) an OW!
If I read the sitch right, she is an OW and I reckon you should throw her a line or two of how painful and damaging infedelity can be. Sounds like your friend should want better/more for herself than a bloke who plays off multiple women at once!
WH-- yes, it will be good when my sister gets here because she'll help. I am reducing his influence in my life, definitely.
He was for sure.... offended? last night when I wasn't engaging him at all. But whatevs, it was good for me.
OW friend--
Originally Posted By: Piano
I reckon you should throw her a line or two of how painful and damaging infedelity can be.
It's really weird, P. She didn't even see it that way at first. For some strange reason she seemed to trust the guy that what he had with original baby momma is 'over'. (He did cheat on her with someone else entirely!)
What I did last night was try to really show her that what he has with original baby momma is NOT over. He wouldn't hide correspondence if it was over. I said I think he's playing both of them and she should run far away.
She did say, after I guess I convinced her, that she felt really sorry for original baby momma because it appears she's been cheated on twice.
Really sucks for her. Sometimes I wonder if these folks are on this forum!
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
i've been specifically angry that wh has left me to do all the work. i'm working full time (soon), caring for the baby, trying to keep a clean house AND keep myself fit. Or get myself fit.
Ah, yes...I went through this and still do. Once S started crawling, the house got waaaay messier! And the laundry...and the cooking...and tending to his needs alone...all of this weighed on me heavily. It still does. They get to be off doing whatever and we are stuck with it all. And it upset me WHILE I WAS A SAHM! Now that I am returning to work, I am nervous. A friend pointed out that the house won't be as messy because we won't be in it as much.
About your OW friend. You know, I have a different perspective for those who were OWs and had no clue. If I hadn't have been cheated on, I wouldn't be aware. I mean, I would take the man's word for it....that he and babymomma were not together. So it is terrific that you shared some signs with your friend, like how he would be transparent if things were truly done between them. I don't think your friend is evil or anything- she was just naive!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I was watching the Joy Behar show and Jason Alexander was on.
She commented that he had been married for 38 (or 28 can't remember) years. She asked how it worked.
He said 1) marry the right person, and 2) a good marital therapist.
She asked why they went to therapy. (I was so happy she asked that!)
He said that he went through an early MLC where he questioned everything in his life since they had gotten married so young. He said he had gotten married at first because he was in love with love but he was lucky that she also turned out to be the right person.
Joy said she had that situation, too, in her marriage, but it ended in divorce.
He said the only reason he thinks he avoided divorce is because his therapist was that good.
Hmm!
I like it when well-known people are open about their marriages, especially if they have difficulties and overcome them.
Not that it means I haven't dropped the rope because I still have. For sure. But I was just shocked to see that!
Yeah, NM, I do think it's kinda harder as a SAHM to be the primary provider. Hopefully work will actually help.
Good point about my friend. I also think it was easier to believe him despite the signs and that's what she ended up doing!
I spent some time dreading dating today. As much as I love reading your thread, NM, I do dread it. I thought about it a lot today and I think I realized I'm actually scared of singles and the dating scene!
I need to think about this more and process it with a therapist...
BTW, I KNOW I'm not ready for dating. I'm going to try to focus on being happy alone for six months.
But then I need to get ready because this will be a huge, massive, scary thing for me!
Sounds like your friend should want better/more for herself than a bloke who plays off multiple women at once!