INTERESTED IN MLC FOR LBS

[seeking answers]

Bobby.

MLC = Confusion

[LanceSijan]

Validate her desires to go. Which it sounds like you have done.
Sit back and watch to see what happens.

SA is correct, it sounds like she is more confused than you.

[ericmsant2]

Bobby

IMO - I hate to say it but she will probably leave. It will hurt like hell. As hard as it will be YOU must let her go. If she leaves you will be in shock for some period of time. Your anger will come raging forward - accept the anger - feel it. Find a way to let it out.

If she does move out she is taking a step for her, one that does not include you and right now I am sorry to say that she can't include you.

She is in a place of confusion right now, her actions are screaming this.

Often we want to jump in and confess our love for them. They cannot see it right now. Confess our love....think about that for a second. Do you only love when YOU get what YOU want? Do you only love when certain conditions are met. Can you love someone who does not appear to love you right now?

How long and how often did she have to put up with your issues? How long did she love you when you did not deserve it?

Bobby - you can be really pissed off at someone and still love them. You can be really hurt by someone and still love them. You can want to strangle someone and still love them. Your post show how much you love her....your post show how much you want your M.

If you love something sometime you need to let it go. If you truly love someone you MUST give them the space they need to grow, to make mistakes, to fall, to laugh, to live.

You see Bobby...she is trying to live her life right now- What are you going to do? Remain stuck in a pit of despair, remain stuck in a pit of anger, remain stuck in your own self pity?

This is really your time Bobby. Time for you to find yourself. Time for you to learn how to smile again. Time for you to find some joy in your life. Time for Bobby.

Tactics will not work...little innuendo will not work....trying to "show her" you changed will not work. The only thing Bobby that will work is being YOU. Learning to be who you really are as a person as an individual. Learning to love unconditionally. Learning to be at peace. Learning to let go. Learning to give up control. Learning that life changes, people change, everything changes with one constant - YOU and the core of WHO YOU are. That Bobby will not change...and so who is the core of Bobby?

You can do this man....it is not easy. Nothing in life really is.

God Bless,
Eric

[warriorshadow]

Eric,
Thanks for that.

Bobby,
You are not alone. They insist that they need to be on their own.
It hurts but to them it is the only way. My wife will leave too.
That is the journey they need to go through.

[Bobby O]

Thank you to all who have responded. This has been one hell of a ride for me. It makes me feel better that I have you all to confide in. Our son returns from Iraq tomorrow night so we have something to be grateful for. I can only control me and not my wife. What will be will be. Bobby O

[Bobby O]

Well, I was told again by my wife that she is moving out of the house. I did not say anything other than listen. The question is how do I act when she packs and moves ( Have not seen any signs for a move other than her telling me). If she does leave the house do I not communicate at all unless it is about my daughter. Do I need to set rules regarding dating and if I have not been served papers should I go ahead and file for divorce. She has threatend me but to date no papers. Any help out there? Bobby O

[ericmsant2]

Bobby

You sound afraid. You need to calm down for a sec.

So how do you act when she packs...you don't cry that is for starters. Look dude she is going to do what she wants to do anyway. Believe it or not...it actually may be a good thing that she leaves.

Can you afford to stay in the house?

Whatever you do...do not beg or plead...say nothing. As a matter of fact if you can don't be there.

If and when she leaves the house...cut off all communication.

How old is your daughter? If your daughter is a minor and prefers to stay in the house then your wife can leave solo. Also I would not give her sh*t from the house.

In terms of the D...do you want to file? I bet not so why do it. Make her own her choices. Make her do the work.

Finally, are you shi**ing me...about setting rules for dating? Come on dude..what you want to give her permission to go bang someone else. Think about that. It is coming from a place of fear.

She wouldn't listen anyway...

Sorry this is a hard post dude.

Man up! Don't be an as* but man up...she probably does not like the wimpy Bobby anyway.

Eric

[Truegritter]

If she does leave the house do I not communicate at all unless it is about my daughter.

That depends on what you can handle.

Can you speak with her and not get upset? Can you not argue with her?

Why would you contact her? What would you communicate about?

If the answer to the first 2 questions is no. Then you need to detach and not communcate until you do.

The second set of questions is about how detached you are. If you still need to know what's going on.

or just to hear her voice, or just to share something with her...

Don't.

Give her space. Let her go. Live your life like she is never coming back.

I am not saying she won't. Just not right now.

Do I need to set rules regarding dating

I assume you mean you? Well that's a tough one.

I would say that you have only just begun the healing process and your own journey

and until you are to a point that you have healed then you are only being unfair to anyone you would likely get involved with.

And until that time you will repeat the same dysfunction that got you here...

Also if you still are standing for your M it is probably not a good idea either for the same reason.

if I have not been served papers should I go ahead and file for divorce. She has threatend me but to date no papers.

Do you want a divorce Bobby? If you do then file.

If you don't let her do it. Why help her do something you don't agree with?

Look you need to do some digging down inside because you have to answer some questions for yourself.

The ones up there ^^^^

This takes an enormous amout of courage, fortitude, patience, compassion, understanding, and humility.

And that is just for starters.

So

What kind of man do you want to be?

The one that got you here?

Or

A better man?

One that will lead you out of this and moving forward.

Your choice.

[Bobby O]

I know about how I need to detach. I have a daughter who is 15 years old. I assume I will need to communicate about when I can see her. I have read on this site that if the wife leaves then you need to set boundaries. If she dates or gets involved with someone than it is really over and that will not be tolerated. I was not planning on dating at this point. Will not be around if she moves and when I refinanced the house I bought out her equity
so the house is mine. In any case will see where this journey takes me. Bobby O

[LanceSijan]

FWIW

I think you should start treating her now as if she has moved out.
Why are you waiting until she does it.
STFU, DETACH/NC/DARK/DIM as possible.
You can not set any rules for her.
Only you can set rules for you.

She might move out she might not.
Leave her be and watch and listen.
Keep mouth closed. That is what you should do.
Start living your life as if she is NOT there. NOW!