What has he done to change, improve or even acknowledge his part in all of this? Was it more than a passing conversation?
Mr. A wanted a divorce and now it sounds like he had NO idea what that would entail. It's time for Mr. A to do some work on him as an individual and face the reality of what a divorce means.
I know a couple that have been legally separated (not much different than a divorce in this state) for 14 years. It's a very, very sad situation. They spend TONS of time together, are sexually active with one another yet no work has been done and they are now in a decade+ loop that neither can break free from. No work has been done, no commitment has been made and a good portion of their life is still the same.
What is Mr. A doing different? What is he doing about Mr. A?
Thanks for looking out for me. It's true - Mr. A and I are nowhere near the point of beginning to reconcile. But I'm going on a road trip this weekend and I've decided to change the way I think about this for the next few days.
Since April 2009, I have been praying, bargaining, begging God for another chance with Mr. A. I haven't prayed for full and complete reconciliation or happily ever after, I've just wanted a chance to do things differently.
And now, miraculously, it seems that I have that chance - at least for the moment. I am going to accept it with gratitude and make the most of it. I'm not going to ask anything of Mr. A for the next few days. I'm just going to enjoy his company and attention and try to enact the things I've regretted not changing about myself sooner.
During the darkest times over the past year and a half, I was prepared to carry 99% of the burden in creating a new relationship with Mr. A, should that opportunity arise. For now, meaning for the next 48 hours, I will refocus on that, and simply do what *I* can do and not worry about Mr. A. Then I'll go out of town and see what happens when I return...
One more note on my hopes for another chance with Mr. A and what seems different now:
There have been a bunch of times since Mr. A left when I thought we might have chance to turn things around. Sometimes I made blatant bad judgments, like the time I hadn't seen him for over a month and then we finally got together and I put mucho pressure on him to move back in immediately. Obviously that did not happen! Or the time I sent him an email that just contained this link:
... I've decided to change the way I think about this for the next few days.
Originally Posted By: Mrs. A
And now, miraculously, it seems that I have that chance - at least for the moment. I am going to accept it with gratitude and make the most of it. I'm not going to ask anything of Mr. A for the next few days. I'm just going to enjoy his company and attention and try to enact the things I've regretted not changing about myself sooner.
Originally Posted By: Mrs. A
For now, meaning for the next 48 hours, I will refocus on that, and simply do what *I* can do and not worry about Mr. A.
Sounds like you've given this much thought. No expectations. Good. Enjoy.
Peace,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Since April 2009, I have been praying, bargaining, begging God for another chance with Mr. A. I haven't prayed for full and complete reconciliation or happily ever after, I've just wanted a chance to do things differently.
And now, miraculously, it seems that I have that chance - at least for the moment. I am going to accept it with gratitude and make the most of it. I'm not going to ask anything of Mr. A for the next few days. I'm just going to enjoy his company and attention and try to enact the things I've regretted not changing about myself sooner.
During the darkest times over the past year and a half, I was prepared to carry 99% of the burden in creating a new relationship with Mr. A, should that opportunity arise. For now, meaning for the next 48 hours, I will refocus on that, and simply do what *I* can do and not worry about Mr. A. Then I'll go out of town and see what happens when I return...
I certainly understand how you feel and don't disagree with your plan above, especially for the short term. However, at some point I think you need to find out what Mr. A's true intentions are. If he is just "filling time" or "enjoying the moment" with no real plans to recommit to a monogamous relationship with you, then you need to determine how long you are going to settle for a less than equal arrangement.
I have a q- refresh my memory- did you ever get much of a chance to divorcebust before he divorced you? If not, I suppose I could see you trying that out now but please create a deadline. Like only do it for so long!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Tonight I'm getting ready for my road trip tomorrow and posting here. And having a break from Mr. A!
Tomorrow I'm getting up at the crack of dawn to drive from Michigan to NYC, where my sister has been staying for the past couple of months. I'm chillin' in the Big Apple on Saturday, and then Sunday we turn around and drive right back. She'll be in Michigan for a few days and then will go back to San Diego, where she normally lives. She's been in New York for a short-term thing and I'm her ride. Luckily I get a free place to stay while I visit!
NM, compared to a lot of people on here, Mr. A and I have barely talked this whole time. The longest we went without a peep was a couple of months. That's a long time!
I took to heart the part in DR that tells you to make the most of every interaction, especially if you rarely see or talk to each other. For a little while, I was actually talking to the DB coach more than I was talking to Mr. A! (Note: Jody is completely awesome, but that was overkill!)
I tried to DB Mr. A whenever I could, but there weren't many opportunities...
But I *DO* get your message. Mr. A is in a sweet spot right now - I'm giving him a LOT of attention and TOTALLY turning a blind eye to all the despicable things he's done, not only since he left in April 2009 but even before that. I try to keep that in mind, but it's sooooooo good to have you guys remind me!!! It would be so easy to fall back into our old pattern: I keep my mouth shut, resentment builds, and then things just start to go downhill.
I've spent so much time in isolation over the past year and a half that I've gotten a lot better at seeing how I'm going to react to things before the reaction takes place. Here's an example:
Mr. A and I spent Tuesday evening together and he spent the night. Yesterday morning, I told him I was tied up Thursday through next Tuesday. He said, so I guess I'd better come over tonight. I said ok, he said "leave the door unlocked", I said "Sure, I'll text you at lunch - I'm supposed to have plans for tonight."
So I texted Mr. A at lunch and didn't hear back from him. Also, because I stink at using my new phone, I thought he had tried to call me back (he hadn't) and so I called him too. And it went to VM and I didn't leave a message.
I was leaving work 5 hours later and hadn't heard from Mr. A. I started fuming. I got home and started thinking of what I was going to do - I'd go work out, I'd post on here, I'd pack, I'd keep busy. Then I checked my phone and it turned out he'd texted 45 minutes earlier. He was leaving work and was on his way over.
Was it lame for Mr. A to wait until that late hour to let me know his plans? Yes!
Was it lame for me to assume he was going to bail? Yes!
We both messed up on that, but thankfully things were fine by the time he got here. BUT - oh my goodness, it doesn't take much to set me off!
Sure, I have every reason to be suspicious and expect the worst of Mr. A, but doing that won't help me have a nice interaction with him. Forgive me, I'm basically journaling now - just trying to talk through all this confusing stuff...
So if I frame it in the best possible light for myself, I guess I can say that I truly don't want to expect the worst of anyone I care about, including and especially Mr. A. And I avoided doing that last night - just by a hair on my chinny chin chin!! So pat on the back for Mrs. A - even though I thought Mr. A was going to be a complete [censored], I didn't act on it before it happened. YAY!
Well, one "eek" thing happened, but I'm not going to let it bother me toooooooo much. Mr. A found my paper journal - the thing that I used for all those months before I started posting here.
Ok, more details: Mr. A and I were hanging out last night and he said, I'm super tired and I have to get up early - gotta go to bed now! I said, Ok, I'll be up there to join you in a few minutes.
I was just about to go upstairs to sleep and he came downstairs - he had to go to the bathroom. (Yes, there is only *1* bathroom in this house -grrrrrr!) So I said, Ok, I'll be sleeping...
He came to bed about 10 minutes later and I thought nothing of it.
Then I got up before him this morning and went into the crazy bathroom and saw a sight: There's a chest in there that *we* used to use to keep our reading material (sorry, TMI!). Since Mr. A left, *I've* been using it to keep my most private stuff, including DR, a lot of other books, all of my paperwork from our D, and - of course - my journals of the whole thing. Everything I wrote to myself since he left.
So I go downstairs this morning and see that things from the chest are all [censored] strewn about the bathroom! I went nuts!!! Did Mr. A read all that stuff? He took it all out and didn't even attempt to put it back away.
I did put it away. Right back into the chest. Then I said, F* it! If he saw it all, who cares? Then I went back up to bed and tried to go back to asleep. Still, I was stressed about it.
Mr. A got up a little while later to get ready for work. I told him to come say goodbye before he left. I was laying in bed, wanting to sleep, thinking to myself that he was looking through my journal again. It was making me nuts. I had put all the stuff away, but who knows? Finally I went downstairs and barged into the bathroom. He was like, What? He wasn't looking at my journal at the moment. I said, Oh nothing. Then I went back upstairs and pretended once again to sleep.
He came up 20 minutes later and said bye. I don't know whether and/or how much of my journal he saw. But he was cool when he left. Whatever.
I have since moved my journal to a new hiding place, and now I'm just trying to stop worrying about whether or not he saw it! I don't know how I feel about that. One part of me doesn't care and the other part is mortified. I'm so glad I'm getting out of town tomorrow.
That happened to me. I left my journal under my side of the bed. I was using it to vent so about 80 percent of it was bad and 20 percent good. Last year, early, I think it was after we had a breakthrough in March, she found it ... and read it. And she was really mad.
I told her I couldn't believe she'd read it. But the damage was done.
Water under the bridge.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
