My New LBS Reality

[dl443322]

Hey IB, wanted to stop in and say hi.

First of all, you know how important hope is. As long as that hope doesnt keep us stuck, it's ok.

I wanted to talk to you about your son because he is about the same age as mine was when this started.

When h first told him that he wants a divorce. My son screamed and cried like a baby. Why, he screamed. You guys never even fight. Dad, you and mom were just on the couch hugging the other night, why? Broke my heart like nothing else. He got up, ran out and ran and ran. Came home hours later soaked from the rain.

I thought I was going to lose him. For a long time, I thought that. He was sad, confused. He is not one to talk and that concerned me.

And his dad, though he promised otherwise, hardly sees him. I try really hard for a long time to forge their relationship. I have never, to this day, said a bad word about his father.

Then I realized that my son is old enough to forge his own relationship with his dad. As much as it saddened me to think his dad didnt want to spend time with him, it was something my son had to come to grips with and handle.

So, while I am here if my son ever wants to talk about it, I do not interfere. And I make it comfortable as it can be for h to come and pick him up and even spend time at the house if he wants. I make plans and that's that.

While my son is struggling a bit, and is still sad, he is ok. He is. He has grown as accustomed as one can to a divided family. We have grown closer. And he has a good relationship with his dad. Not the kind I hoped, but, the kind he forged.

So, I know how hard it is to see your son struggle. I do. Trust me when I tell you that he will be ok. He will. And I know you will be there to help in any way he needs.

And trust him to be able to handle this. He is, after all, your son and you are showing him how.

[ericmsant2]

Hey B....

Grit's making fun of me...can you please tell him to stop (visual picture of me jumping up and down).

[dl443322]

Im on it, Eric.

[irishblessings]

Brooklyn,

Thanks so much! I really appreciate your perspective regarding your son. I am trying so hard to keep things "up" for S. I just never would have anticipated this is what we would have as our "reality". It sounds morbid - but I would be more prepared to handle the death of a spouse than "MLC Land". With this there is no closure.

Oh well - keep doing the next right thing! Right?

[dl443322]

I do understand what you mean about this having no closure.

And I know that you want to keep things "up" for your son. I did the same thing. Until my son told me not to. He said, Mom, I know this is hard and we are going to feel sad. You don't have to try to make everything perfect for me. I just have to deal with it and get through it because that's the way it is. Special boy, my son. And correct.

I also learned that its ok for them to see us sad or upset. That's a hard one for me, but an important one.

[ericmsant2]

IB

You are beating yourself up for this. Stop it and stop it now please. Your hurt - I know..trust me I get it. Your H's crisis is NOT YOUR fault. Nothing you did could have prevented it - nothing so stop it. Did you make some mistake along the way..yes...forgive yourself for them and move on.. Not file...just move on for you.

Rather move forward..

Look this is going to be hard on the kids BUT you did not decide this - your H did. As a matter of fact you should be quite pissed off.

Right now...you really need to worry about IB and your kids - your H...well he is his own problem - not yours.

Please honey...relax...I know it is hard. I do. Can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? I can...

Can you see any positives in any of this? I can.

If you can, can you tell me what they are?

Your not alone in this IB...it may feel that way right now..but we are here for you...you are not alone.

Get on those knees and cry out to God..ask for his strength. Ask for his wisdom. Ask him to guide you and then honey....give it all to him. Follow me for my burden is light....

God Bless,
Eric

[irishblessings]

Beautiful day today. Driving from school to school gave me too much thinking time.
Have not had any verbal interaction with H is a month. First time in 28 years - we've never even gone a day before all of this.

Woke up this morning realizing that one thing I need to work on is self control. Even though I'm not wild or crazy - I want to be better.

[ericmsant2]

IB

I want to be better

Good - then just do it. Be better... feel better...

gave me too much thinking time.

IMO...it depends on what you do with this time. Thinking about what if, should of, could of, then yes way too much. Thinking about what YOU want for YOUR life. What you want for your children. Thinking about what makes you happy..well then..IMO...there is never enough time for that.


Smile and enjoy the day!

[irishblessings]

Thanks Eric - came home and mowed the lawn. Busy weekend taking my mother home and helping D move. It may sound crazy - but single parenting - even of a 16 year old - is EXHAUSTING! Trying to be "up" and "positive" for him and keep a "normal" structure going is HARD. I've always been so proud of our family - how well we all got along and loved each other - and I've always felt that it was because both H and I were committed to the kids and to each other. Now I can GUARANTEE you it took both of us! Oldest D moved back home for awhile - she's doing well - but she doesn't have a car so we are carpooling like crazy.

I keep thinking about the things I need to work on - things that H has said that "sting" a bit. So many of the things that he said were so vague - "you drive me crazy" - "you never supported me" - "you spend too much" - "you overindulge the kids". I am working on the spending - have saved some money and have an accelerated debt repayment plan going. I feel like I supported him - but I know that it was never enough for him. I know I drove him crazy sometimes - but I also made him laugh many times and loved and cared for him. I did overindulge the kids - and probably still do - but (yes I know) they are good kids and they are not spoiled. I've tried to give them as many experiences and/or opportunities that would help them develop their talents and figure out what they wanted to do. They are grateful kids - they feel lucky for what they have had.

I would like to develop more self discipline, more self confidence. I would like to know that I will have an AMAZING life - even if I am alone. I know that everyone will say that I'm not alone - but the fact of the matter is that once the kids are gone - I will be alone. Yes I have wonderful friends and family - but my personal life will be me, alone. I want to come to terms with this ~ I think that once I do I will be much more able to move forward.

I can't believe I am 5 months into this already. I know that many of you have been at this for years and I am so thankful that you listen and support. I still have that surreal feeling about all of it.

[punkin]

Irish,

A blissful month with no contact. You are lucky. Right now it's more desirable than contact. Boy, did I find that out. And not only that, you can be proud of yourself. You set the boundary and made him abide by it. And closure? I had to explain to a friend yesterday that, divorce or no, there is no closure until there is closure in my heart, regardless of any paper.

Hang in there. ((HUGS))