My H seems to want to D asap, he hasn't filed yet as he says he's waiting until L is done with my parent's estate, plus he says he wants me to file. He asks regularly if I've heard anything from L and why I'm not pushing L to finish up.
I've been trying to keep conversations upbeat and end calls first but it never seems to work out. Today he called re some household stuff and when we were done discussing that I said "Ok, got to go" and he said "Oh so you want to hang up--trying to get rid of me? (yikes I'm not the one who wants out). I said "no" and then he started talking about how this is about him and not about the OW and I said I knew it was about him. He started to talk about OW and I don't know what else. My anxiety level zoomed up into the stratosphere , so I said "I'm sorry but I can't talk about this right now" . He said "you don't want to listen to me?" I said that wasn't it but I couldn't do it now.
So it ended that he was annoyed and I was hyperventilating. Seems like I can't have a conversation where I stay positive and upbeat and detached.
I feel awful but am determined to continue to work on myself and keep a PMA. Feel like I should continue to minimize phone calls (our only contact since we're 1000 miles apart) but it's hard.
I've been reading other posts for help and insight, but would love to have input from my fellow DBers.
Welcome to MLC land. Sorry that you're here, but you couldn't be in a better bad place.
I'm only 18 months into this, and I haven't read your newcomers thread yet, but I will throw out a couple of quick comments on your post before the experts show up tomorrow (it's all about the time zones LOL).
If your H wants a D, and you do not, do not file regardless of how he pressures you. Make him do the work. Also, I get the feeling that he expects you to use the same L. If he files, please get your own L, not to be confrontational, but to protect your own interests.
If telephone conversations are difficult for you to manage, and you must communicate, can you do it via text or email? I am no longer dealing with any anger or spewage from my H, but I still find written conversations easier to control.
I'll read your original thread tomorrow, and I'm sure others here will as well. You've come to a great place, and you'll find a lot of help and support here.
Hugs.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. Although I am not on the board that much anymore.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Read thru your sich in newcomers. I see cadet has been here to give you homework. Thanks cadet for stopping by! I know he has been busy.
First thing I can think of is the three main things you must do here is #1 detach, #2 Patience, #3 Work on yourself. These are in no particular order of importance. Actually #3 should be the most important.
Your H is on a journey, and he is forcing you to take one too. At first you will fight the fact that you have to do it but as you step forward you will find that it is a necessary journey. On this trip the destination is not as important as the sights that you will see.
There are no tactics here. MLC is not for the weak willed. It is a marathon not a sprint. You must outwit, outplay and outlast you H MLC. In the process you must find YOU. That is the person that we are concerned with here. YOU!
Start reading, learning and posting. Ask lots of questions because the only bad one is the one you do not ask.
I am sure others will come and look in on you and give you some free advice. This is a great place to be. Enjoy.
I posted to you on the Newcomer's board, welcome to the MLC board. It's the best place no one wants to be!
I see Cadet's already been to visit. (Thanks Cadet) Please read the resources, and keep referring back to them. The more you understand about MLC the easier it is for the LBS to navigate the process, yours and his.
Believe it or not, the things you're hearing from your H are script. We've all heard similar versions of the things your H is saying, some almost verbatim.
Please give us a few more background details about your sitch. How long have you and your H been married? Do you have children?
Your H wanting to D right away comes most likely comes from his guilt to what he's doing. He tries to draw you in to convos and then twists what you say to justify his actions. Don't get sucked in.
As far as conversations with your H. Only respond to financial or kid questions. Make sure if you have to contact him it is only about the same thing. Do not let your H suck you in to anything else. If he tries to engage you tell him you have to go. Be pleasant and firm and end it.
GB, what you are going to hear on these boards will be counter intuitive to what you believe you should do. They do work and sometimes they are just for you and your own peace of mind.
There is one thing you have to understand about MLC. It will not be a fast process for your H. There will be times when there seems to be no movement. Patience is the key here if you're standing for your M. Only you know if you can or want to try and outlast your H's MLC.
I am in a similar sitch as you. I mentioned it on your original thread. I'm in the process of dropping the rope. I'm not always successful because my attachment after 27 years of M and children is strong. I've let him go. I think he may be realizing that his choices didn't bring him the happiness he believed it would. That among other issues are his journey to travel. I can't help or fix this for him. It is his path to follow. Besides, I don't have time for I am busy with my own journey.
The one thing I have found the most helpful is detaching myself from my H. Detaching does NOT mean that you stop loving him. It means that you stop reacting to the things that your H does and says. If you do not it will keep you spinning and question your own sanity. Believe nothing your MLCer says and only half of what they do.
I know this is impossible for you to believe right now, but there will come the time if you do the work on yourself that you will be grateful for blessings this has provided for YOU.
Do the work on yourself for yourself and you will become the better option. If your H emerges from the tunnel he may look back your way. If he doesn't, it's his loss. One thing about this, you do the work, and it won't be a loss for you.
You're not alone, we're here with you. Come here to ask questions, vent, post, we understand.
Sorry to see that you are here ... but it is really is the best worst place to be.
I've read through your original thread and I have a couple of tips to offer, but first I want to stress how important it is to start reading, and then rereading, the MLC resources.
I would also suggest that you stop answering H's calls. You have to take care of yourself and protect yourself ... and the most important step, IMO, is detachment. We talk a lot about that over here and you'll need to remember that it is a process and it's damn hard. But necessary. Be kind to yourself with your expectations, this takes time. You will need an infinite amount of patience. And just when you think you've got none left, you'll need more.
Sweetie, this stuff is hard. But, believe it or not, you now have an opportunity. An opportunity to take your own journey, discover who Gbee REALLY is. You are going to come to understand a few truths ... but they can be hard to swallow.
You can NOT control this. You did NOT cause this. You did not break H and you can not fix him. The only person/thing you can control is YOU. YOU can CHOOSE happiness.
Tell us a bit about yourself and your M ... timeline, children, ages ... that sort of stuff ...
What are you going to do for YOU today? Are you taking care of yourself as was suggested in your other thread? Are you sleeping, eating properly, exercising?
So gbee, with all of that I am going to leave you with two questions ........ who are YOU? Are you who YOU truly want to be, with or without your H?
(((((hugs))))) Peace PEI
Last edited by PEImom_of_3; 08/25/1011:17 AM. Reason: just because
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Welcome gbee. I have to leave for work, so I'll read your original thread this evening. You'll find a lot of sympathetic and wise people here, who will hit you upside the head if you need it, and hold your hand when you need it.
As PEI said, read the resources. They are a constant source of help to me and many others.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Sorry you find yourself here. You have already recieved some good advice and a very good question so I have nothing to add other than..."hello".
Stay strong...and remember....this is REALLY ABOUT YOU...not him.
You'll know what I mean by that if you take the focus off of your M and put it where it belongs, which is on YOU.
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You are in a good place to help you through this very difficult time. Reading through the threads and resources is SO helpful. Take the time to read, re-read, read again, etc.
Irish
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
