You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

One thing I've said all along is that I'm closing no doors in my life. Had someone walked through who worked then I would have pursued it. That hasn't happened yet.

Last summer (2009), I worked every weekend I could to avoid being alone. I was staying with a friend. Money wasn't an issue yet. It was more staying busy so I wouldn't be faced with having to find things.

Now, it's mostly about debt. STBXW said something in mediation that really made me mad. She said she thinks we'll both be poor for the rest of our lives. It came out when we were talking about custody and child support.

Well, I'm not going to be poor the rest of mine. I screwed up and let STBXW bury us in debt in the vain hopes it would lift her out of her depression.

Now, one of the positives of not being with STBXW is I don't have to open the monthly credit card bills and wonder what happened. I can fix it.

I still have bitterness and anger issues. I don't think it's so much from over GALing. I think it's because I spent most of 2009 acting "as if" it would all work out in the end.

The brutal reality really hit me at Christmas so I'm behind and now it seems the closer we get to the actual D the angrier I become. I just so want to shut her out of my life completely. I know I can't and I have to forgive. It's just going to take time.

Rebuilding the finances will too. Every little bit helps.