Kat, you asked for the rest of the story, I'll post it here if you don't mind.
My dad had an affair with someone just a tiny bit different than my mother--so weird!
My mom is a free spirit--very unconventional gal. She is in her late 60s and is still stunning to look at. Hardly any wrinkles. I hope I inherited those genes!
She is the life of the party and can be a lot of fun. Unfortunately, she is diagnosed manic depressive and refuses to take the drugs--so she is definitely a challenge and sometimes I can see why my dad was unhappy with her.
But, she did everything wrong when he did have the affair--I think she could have had him back but she cried, begged, let him cake-walk for YEARS and, well, in the end she didn't want him. (this was early 80s). But she was so, so scared. She had no degree, 3 kids, and had never worked outside the home. She married very young and was married to a high-powered attorney. The divorce was a court battlefield that took years to finish.
Dad was wracked with guilt all his life. He spoiled us terribly, and treated stepmom like dirt. She also is a bit of a nut.lol. I actually like her, but I don't mind getting digs in at her any time I can--if she doesn't like it? oh well. She was a big girl when she went for a married man with 3 kids!
They "had" to show the world that the affair "meant something" and she talks about that now--that that was a mistake!lol. And she is EVER so ashamed of it--she has a "boyfriend" and she wants me to not mention this stuff--uh, sorry, this is YOUR history, not mine, I'm not re-writing it!!!
She is much younger than my dad and he is in last-stage Alzheimers. She can't wait til he dies.lol. But her "boyfriend" keeps her in line--he is the handyman around their farm and is more her age, but he is a really awesome guy wtih very decent morals and my stepmom KNOWS that she cannot have an affair again--what the consequenses are and she wants the romance and the dates and the legitimacy this time.
Honestly, I don't think she'll snag this guy--he is way too good for her--down on his luck because of the economy but he will be something someday and I don't think he'll want her and do I feel badly about that???lol.
In the meantime she takes good care of my dad because "boyfriend" is watching her closely. He spoke to me about the drinking she starts in the afternoon, and I had some stern words with her that her "boyfriend" thinks it is terrible and she stopped.lol.
Funny enough, my great-grandmother abandoned her two kids--my grandmother and my great uncle--and had an affair and married the guy and she too regretted that decision. You just swap one set of problems for a whole new set, and you have a nice case of "guilt for the rest of your life" on top to deal with.
Aren't you blessed by having no guilt? I know I am!!!
Yes it feels good to know that I didn't create this tornado that spins like crazy! The kids are finally at a pretty good place but it took a while. This past year you could really see the changes with the boys.
Issues still pop up now and again as they will but nothing I can't handle!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
It sucks, yes. And your ex is such an arse by making it worse for everybody. Why do they continue to obfuscate and lie about their plans? Why the pretense? Why not just come clean, for once?
My own ex played this game before she married her mistake in March. While she was jabbing at me privately about threatening to marry the OM, saying it was going to happen and there was nothing I could do about it (as if I cared to try, heh, heh) she was telling our sons to keep it a very close secret. She was telling our two little ones to make sure I didn't find out or else I might "get upset"-- she had them worried about what their own father might say or do. Of course I could see that she was really trying to rally their support, at my expense, through lies and misrepresentation, while at the same time trying to use the very subject of her pseudo conspiracy to try to taunt me via email and voicemail.
Yes, it did hurt. And yes, I could see through all her lies and manipulations --and see the pain and confusion in our S's trying to sort this charade out. The pain and doubt those boys had to work through because of their mother's petty games grieves me most of all.
I am sorry for you and your own kids. Why do they do this? Will they ever see the error of their ways? And how do you help your children through this? The do'er fixer in me wants to do something, but there isn't anything. Just love them and hold their hands ...and pray; that has to be enough for now. It has to be.
I am lucky in that the kids talk to me quite a bit. They still try to protect me somewhat. I just wish their Dad would grow a lie detector system that went off every time he lied so he could "hear" for himself. On second thought, he would probably just think it was broken!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I am lucky in that the kids talk to me quite a bit. They still try to protect me somewhat. I just wish their Dad would grow a lie detector system that went off every time he lied so he could "hear" for himself. On second thought, he would probably just think it was broken!
kat
Love it! I mean, it's pitiful, but spot-on. That audiobook I listened to about regret-free living talked about liars. Eventually they become so accustomed to lying that they actually begin to see the truth itself, as relative. I think sometimes lying comes to them like throwing your arm up if you see an object flying toward your face--an instant, self-protective reaction. They come up against any obstable or conflict and quickly toss out the lie to 'fix' the problem and cover their own butts.
But, yeah, it does feel good to have a clean conscience, doesn't it?!
Really it does. I have been thinking maybe the wedding is the week before as S17 told me and then they just can't get away until a week later. Guess it doesn't matter but he leaves me to do all the parent teacher conferences alone. He watches this school stuff so he knows when things are and yet still plans his time away then! He is always trying to show what a good "parent" he is. Well hon, your true colors are showing!!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Feeling much lighter today. Feels good to shake off the gray cloud! The weather is also incredible, like Fall with a cool morning and a comfortable afternoon. I am loving it!
Thanks everyone for helping yesterday.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
