Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

Went to MC today and it went as I expected.

I was a mess all the time in MC session. Terrible mess. Totally emotional. My W doesn't want to work at all on the M. When the MC asked her what she wanted now in the R, she replied with, "To get done with this as soon as possible and move on with my life."

Yeah, not great to hear.

We talked mostly about how I had been doing more of the same. Still the same controlling John. Still the same don't listen John. All the reasons that my W left in the first place. I haven't changed a bit, in fact the last two months have been even worse than before.

I accepted it.

I just have to change now. Stop trying to LEAD or run the show. When I LEAD my W says she feels like "You think I am stupid, and I don't want to be with a person who thinks I'm stupid" or when I pressure, "I don't want to be with a person who bullys me."

So I'm a wreck. Not doing awesome at all, but I do know that the things I've been doing haven't been working, obviously - so that is at least some information that I have.

I have to stop arguing my point of view. Plain and simple.

Just agree with everything.

Basic DB principles that I haven't followed, even though I think I might have... I really haven't.

I see now that I'm just defensive all the time. Trying to get the other person to see my point of view. Trying to "manipulate" them into getting my way, or seeing what I see, or doing what I want to do. It's awful. That part of me is a terrible person.

At one point, the MC said something to the effect of, "I don't think she wants a divorce, but she just can not live like this anymore, and she refuses to live like this ever again." W nodded her head in somewhat agreement.

There is still a sliver of hope left.

But, I realize now that I've been trying to make these changes for all the wrong reasons. I've been trying to change because I wanted my W back, not because I wanted to change because it was the right thing to do. I've been motivated by all the wrong reasons.

After the MC the W and I went to get some quick food and a drink. I told her that she had been right all along. She said, "This happens every time after we go to MC session... you have a 'realization' and you're good for 2 days, but then you go back to your old self." She was right. I agreed with her, told her she was right. Didn't say I would do better this time because it would be just stupid to say that.

There were many hugs and kisses on the lips today, some she initiated, some I did, probably equal. Still sexual tension there, when we walked up to her door she was putting the key in and I put my hand on her bottom and she smiled kinda girly and I snapped her panties, she smiled and laughed.

Small sliver of hope. Just a small one. Not much there, but it's something.

I have my S4 for the next 2 days, so I'm just going to focus on him now.