Relocated the family and he dropped the bomb

[Coach]

Why should you be confident about your marriage? You are being naive.

Agree with him, this isn't working, he needs to move out, you need to get divorced because he's not a good husband or father.
Let him go, you are pursuing someone who doesn't value you. How does that make you look in his eyes?

When you stand up for yourself is when his feelings start to change.

[lostmybestfriend]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is true the more you talk to him about the R, M, and the OW the more it pushes him away. That is what I am struggling with;I feel like I need to stick up for myself but right now it is all about his feelings. My husband is considering moving out of the family home I am just going to focus on myself and enjoy my time with my daughter(she is a senior in high school). Like I said I am going to focus on myself;working out at the Y and a joined weight watchers. I am going to go out with friends this Friday night something I havent done in seventeen years.

[LRT Land]

MM - it does get confusing at times. Read through the quote threads again - those really helped me.

The affair issue makes your position different from mine, but I think the pros here are right. You have to enforce your boundaries. Has he dropped all contact? Has he made himself transparent? WHere are you with that? If not, it's time for more drastic action.

I'm sure he feels guilty and conflicted and that's why he's bringing up R talks. Validate. It's not time for you to share how you think/feel.

Stay strong - for yourself and your kids.

[BeingMe]

Hi MM78. Wish you weren't here, but this has been a great place for me in my marriage woes.

It is hard to be a doctor's wife ... you have to constantly be thinking of ways of spending what little time they have, together. Not only as a couple, but as a family. My BIL's (also a doctor) wife had this as one of her big issues, and now they are divorced.

I have just read through your thread, and I find some similarities to my sitch, in that my H is also depressed, and we also moved away to a city where I didn't have any friends. We have been here for almost 6 years, and this was going to be a new beginning after his EA in 2004/2005. Nothing has changed ... he is still miserable, but now even worse since he feels everything is happening all at once (which it's not). He says the same thing as your H .... hates his job, hates his life, doesn't want s*x, blah blah blah. I am so sick of it. I have become the WAW. I want a S. I don't love this version of my H. This R has become toxic, and life is too short for this, but I also feel strongly about our vows, and to stay in health, for better or worse. So, I need to find a way to get him back to health before I feel I can, in all conscience, leave.

Okay, so back to your sitch. With what I have experienced; I think that you should apply the Last Resort Technique (LRT). Don't spend the next 5 years in limbo, waiting for the man you married. He's not going to come back unless he wants to, and he will need a wake up call, a jumpstart. While things are quiet, he'll hang around because he doesn't want to tipple the barrel. Note that he was leaving it all up to you .... you have everything, I don't care, do what you want, just leave me alone kinda thing .... even that you should block the OW's phone, etc.? My H's words almost verbatim. They need to be in counseling, but it's too much trouble for them. Yet, if they made the effort, how much better they would feel, in time. Of course, nothing comes over night, so patience is needed too.

I'm not sure what actions you should take. You do have 2 little ones to think of, whereas I had much older kids. Even young children can sense when things aren't quite right although I guess yours has had this all their life, so don't know any different.

I can tell you from other people's threads that Coach is usually spot on.

Take care.

[MM78]

Nothing new to add. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I have gotten dressed (nice with make up and all) the last two days and experimented cooking new foods (for me, something fun to do), but I can't seem to get out of the house with the kids during the day. I am going out alone tonight to shop once H is home with the kids. At night just reading some threads and the DB'ing books, and have been taking a sleeping pill at night to fall asleep. I just feel really lost right now with no direction.

[BeingMe]

These days will happen, even if things were normal ... it's the SAHM syndrome. I had many days like that in my younger years ... still do. Sometimes, I force myself to go somewhere, or read a book. I am so glad it's back to school for me ... I started school back in 2008, and I love it. This summer has been too long. Perhaps you could take a cooking class, or some other class you find interesting. I find when my brain is engaged, I feel happier.

It's good that you're going out tonight. Take care.

[Dagny-2]

Hi MM, I know that spinning feeling. I feel like I just wander around the house, and I know how bad that is. Sounds great that you are making new dishes and doing some productive things. Weren't you going to go join the Y? Did you do it yet? How's the Mission going?

Dagny

[Coach]

I just feel really lost right now with no direction.

Make some goals. Visualize the outcome and develop a plan to succeed.

- Spiritual

- Physical

- Mental

- Emotional

-Financial

[MM78]

So much for going out tonight - he came home for 15 min just to stop in and say hi to the kids and had to go to a work function tonight.

BeingMe - I am going to look for some classes. I looked around for a photography one a few weeks ago and just didn't look very hard.

Dagny - All I have to say about the Y is that I'm full of excuses - I went with the girls one night and the parking lot was jam packed and it was just overwhelming, by the time we get our act together it's nap time or the child watch is over that day, etc. I do need to jump in and just go. I think that will be my goal tomorrow. As for the rest of it - I am getting dressed nice, make up (including mascara and eyeliner) and another perfume - ironically it's Nautica's 'My Voyage'. I also swapped the diaper bag for a fun new leather purse (with diapers, bibs, and crayons inside, but at least it's more about ME).

I need to pick up my script for the antidepressant and get to the Y tomorrow. I'll start there. Tonight I am going to devote one hour to reading about DB'ing and the rest to mindless tv. I feel like I'm out of balance spending so much time reading and not enough time GAL.

I hate wishing time would move more quickly, because these are such precious years with my kids, but I wish I could jump ahead to a more stable time sometimes. One thing I am focusing on is trying to put all of this out of my head during the day and just completely enjoy them being little kids. The things they say are just hilarious sometimes.

[MM78]

Ooooh, I got one of those done, Coach. I (just me, not including his school loans) am totally debt free. Since we sold the house and moved, no mortgage, no student loans, no CC debt. We try to pay the cards off every month but we had a balance since the move and I paid that off yesterday. So if I have to embark on life as a single mom, I'm ok financially and that does feel good.