Hey Coach, do YOU have any tickets? I even let you give me the parking pass. lol
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Coach, direct, to the point and spot on as always. You're right, I'm mind reading. Who knows what will happen. I just get this overwhelming sense that this won't work out for me. I'm so damn tired of feeling sorry for myself.
I could be so strong with detaching if I knew she wasn't dating. How do you get over the dating if you get back together? How do you not think about it?
Do you remember a while back we suggested for you to start dating but it's something you couldn't bring yourself to do. Do you see the effect that the possibility of your WAW dating other men is having on you? This could have been the effect you could have exerted on her but mza, you continue to do what you "feel" like doing instead of what you should be doing but you continue to question the results, wonder why this is as hard as it is for you, wonder how you will get through this, how you will get over this, etc.
The only person limiting you in this life is... YOU.
Rob, I was hoping you would stop in. Thank you. I knew if you did you would bring a 2x4. I deserve it as I didn't listen. At the time she wasn't involved with anyone else but she's setting herself up for it now.
Ok, question for you. Do you think if I start to date at this point (now that W beat me to the punch), that it could still have the same effect on my W? If the answer if yes then I'm all in. I cannot leave any stone unturned. I still don't feel completely comfortable with it but who cares now, I want her back.
I don't like the effect her wanting to date is having on me at all.
Last edited by mza8; 08/25/1008:42 PM.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
You and I are friends, right? If I told you I was dating you would be totally cool with it. Chances are you might even encourage me to date after being alone for almost three years. While you might care about my well being you really don't give a rat's ass about what I do because you have no vested interest in controlling the outcome.
See, your W has no vested interest in controlling the outcome but you do. Dating is not a tool to gain more control but it's more of a tool to learn how to let go of the need to control.
Honestly, your W may not care that you are dating because she has no desire to control anything you do. BUT (and there is always a but, lol!) dating might give you a new perspective in many, many ways. You might find out that what you thought was so great about your W really is a huge pain in your ass. It might ignite something in you that has been dead for a very long time. It might help you see how "normal" people approach a variety of situations. It might help you create new experiences that add deep insight to everything you thought you already knew.
I hesitate to say dating is a stepping stone but it does add many shades of gray. The LBS often gets very trapped in the "black and white" of our individual saga. What if you could blend the "black and white" and open up a whole new avenue you never knew existed? This avenue might very well help you build a new foundation that can change all parts of your life.
This is hurtful to hear I'm sure but your W is VERY detached from you. Give yourself the same gift.
Rob, I was hoping you would stop in. Thank you. I knew if you did you would bring a 2x4. I deserve it as I didn't listen. At the time she wasn't involved with anyone else but she's setting herself up for it now.
Ok, question for you. Do you think if I start to date at this point (now that W beat me to the punch), that it could still have the same effect on my W? If the answer if yes then I'm all in. I cannot leave any stone unturned. I still don't feel completely comfortable with it but who cares now, I want her back.
I don't like the effect her wanting to date is having on me at all.
I will say that I don't know for certain what the effect will be on YOUR wife, there are no absolutes in life but I'm pretty sure it will bring out some qualities in you that have been hidden/submerged for quite some time. That confident, funny, charming person may come out of you and you will start to feel better about this entire situation. You might get that spring back in your step. You may see this as being the best thing that could happen to you, you may evolve as a person and grow from this experience, a lot of things may happen because of this.
Does jealousy and fear of loss motivate a WAS to realize that they may be losing what they have? Yes, this does happen enough times to prove that this effect is more than coincidental. Will it work with your wife? No one can answer that. Depending on your situation and her specific mindset, she may have been searching for someone "new" for quite some time now and was never able to communicate that to you or understand it herself. It could be that nothing you do will bring her back. But I will say that dating others isn't to bring her back, it's to bring you back if you get what I'm saying, it's to bring those attractive masculine traits that you unknowingly possess to the foreground again because they've been dormant for quite some time. It's for you to realize that maybe this isn't your loss, maybe it's your wife's loss and maybe it isn't a lesson she will learn now, 6 months from now or ever.
Ok, question for you. Do you think if I start to date at this point (now that W beat me to the punch), that it could still have the same effect on my W? If the answer if yes then I'm all in. I cannot leave any stone unturned. I still don't feel completely comfortable with it but who cares now, I want her back.
Over your past ten posts you have mentioned if you do X will W Y.
This shows you are still attached.
Quote:
This is hurtful to hear I'm sure but your W is VERY detached from you. Give yourself the same gift.
Citygirl is right: It is said that forgiveness is the gift you give to yourself......So is detaching
If you don't want to date I suggest going out to dinner by yourself and sitting next to some ladies. I met three ladies tonight, none of which I would date but I did have interesting conversation.
Get back into the game and get some confidence.
I hear confidence is the number 1 attractant for women, followed by sense of humor.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Met with my IC last night. He was dissapointed to hear the news. Basically told me that I tried everything I could but as of now she seems like she has no interest in M. I discussed with him some of the advice I received here. He agreed with most of it.
His suggestion was to tell her (very calmly) that I know about her being on the dating website. Tell her that I don't approve and still want to work on the M but it's clear that this is not what she wants. Tell her that I am not going to try fighting her anymore to work on the M and I'm letting her go. That's about it. I aksed him if I should then tell her I am still willing to go to MC for closure. He didn't really think it mattered either way. Said he thought she would probably say no. He said there's always the possibility that letting her go might bring her back but he felt like I needed to prepare myself to move on which is what everyone else has been telling me. He thinks she is going to fall hard one day because she never dealt with her issues. He said she will carry these issues with her whether she comes back to me or with someone else. Said she might start off great with someone else but eventually her issues will surface and that's when she'll fall.
Asked my IC about exposing to her family and friends. He agreed with the advice here that she's already on a public dating website so exposure might not do much. Said if the opportunity arises that I could tell them what she's done and I don't think it's right, that I don't want to D and want to work on M. I don't know. I guess my reason for wanting to expose is so she knows that I'm not ok with her dating until we would D. I don't want to be the passive H again and keep my mouth shut about something that bothers me. Like I told my IC, when do I get to say what I want to her? Everything seems to be that I shouldn't say anything so as not to push her further away. Very frustrating for me to just sit here and take it.
Still very hard for me today dealing with this. She was online on the dating website last night for about an hour until midnight. I know I shouldn't even check, not good for me. Just angers me though that she can stay up late at night for that but not be responsible and contact me about house decisions. Two Sundays ago I told her she could call me when I got back at 10:30 at night so we could dicsuss house issues we needed to take care of two weeks ago. She told me then that it would probably be too late for her to call. Yeah right. Whatever. Too late to discuss important issues but this week she can stay up until midnight on the dating website.
Still no contact from her. What should I do here? There are some decisions that need to be made soon. Do I wait for her to contact me or do I contact her? This avoidance issue of hers really bothers me. It's obvious that since she joined the dating website she has avoided contacting me.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I agree you should call her up and let her know you've been sitting around stalking her and you are fed up with her posting on a dating site. Go for it. Show her times and dates, how she didn't have time to call you but was on-line, tell her you are going to expose her for posting on-line, let her know you know all about it. You are fed up yessirre, fed up. Time to let her know who's boss around here.
Let's us know how it works.
The image that comes to mind for me is Barney Fife. "Can I get my bullet out?"
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You could make the decisions yourself and let her know what you've decided to with regards to the house issues since she never contacted you to offer input into those decisions.
It's ok, you're allowed.
In fact, I'd say it's a requirement.
You're still waiting around for her to call, literally staring at the phone, listening to your clock go tick tock in the background wondering why she isn't calling you.
Everytime she calls you, it may make her feel bad knowing that YOU can't move on with regards to this relationship. She wants someone different and hard as it is to swallow that pill, that is your reality and you can't fight reality, it is what it is.
Make the best decisions with regards to the house issues, text her/email her regarding what you've decided and what you're going to be doing (definitely not asking her, "what do you think about this?"), if she complains that you've made these decisions without her, you tell her that she had a few weeks to contact you as you had originally offered on this issue and that she is dragging her feet on this and you would like to be done with it.
