So I'll wrap up the summer. Sunday we traveled back from the softball tournament. The kids were a bit antsy in the car. Nothing big. We stopped at a mini-putt about halfway and did all of the attractions.
Sunday night we dropped off D8 at a friend's house so D11 and a friend and I could see the movie "Vampires Suck." It was a bad movie and a bad choice really. There were scenes I really wouldn't want a 14-year-old to see.
Monday -- last day of summer vacation -- we went swimming at my uncle's with a co-worker's family. He has four daughters. Three around D8 and D11 so it was a good time.
Then the STBXW stuff started. She texted asking when she could pick the girls up. I texted back that I took the day off work to spend the whole day with them. I planned on keeping them for the night.
She texted back that D8 had an orientation at her school that night at 7 p.m. Was she going to go? I thought that was interesting. She didn't tell me about it until it was clear I planned on keeping them.
I toyed with just saying no. Instead, I asked D8 if she wanted to meet her new teacher. She said yes. I then asked D11 if she wanted to go. She said no.
So I texted back that D8 did want to meet her new teacher -- and so did I so we'd go to the school at 7 p.m. and D8 could go home with STBXW. The last part served my needs in a couple of ways. I did not have new shoes for D8 to wear and was going to go buy some. By just letting her go home that got me out of that. Second -- I just planned on saying hi to the new teacher and leaving. I had not seen STBXW since before the trip to South Dakota and I don't want to see her -- really ever again, but I know that's not possible.
She texted back why I wasn't bringing D11. I responded D11 doesn't want to go and I'll just take her to school in the morning.
Oh, I should have added that STBXW tried to call before every text and I didn't answer. Then she'd message. One of her texts asked why I wasn't picking up.
I basically don't like how I act around her or my tone on the phone. There's too much anger and bitterness so I'm avoiding her. I know at some point I'll have to get over that. But I'm not there yet. I didn't say any of this to STBXW. She no longer needs to know what I'm thinking.
On the way to the school, she sends a text that the orientation starts in the gym. Well, that means I'll have to spend a length of time with STBXW and I didn't want to do that. So when we got there D8 and I walked down to the gym -- she was being extremely cute -- and I walked her in to see STBXW and asked her where D11's school supplies were. STBXW said the car, so I kissed D8 goodbye and went to her car and grabbed the supplies.
Stupid me though didn't notice D11's backpack. It was black and blended in.
So I was enjoying a nice quiet evening with D11 when STBXW and D8 come over to give D11 her backpack. And STBXW walks in and looks at D11's hair and they start talking and she wants to cut D11's bangs.
And I just wanted STBXW to get the H*ll out of there. Luckily, I had D8 talking to me at a mile a minute so I didn't look at STBXW. STBXW tried to engage me a couple of times. I'm not subtle. The girls can probably tell and I know STBXW can tell that I don't want to see her or talk to her.
I'm back in the rage stage I guess. A year ago I still harbored hopes that we'd somehow get back together so I buried the anger.
Now, it's over -- or almost -- and I'm cycling back to rage. I don't want to see her. I don't want to hear her voice. I don't want to "co-parent" right now. I just want her to go the H*ll away.
D11 and I stayed up until about 9:30 p.m. talking. It was a great summer, but she has a lot of sadness. She said she doesn't talk to STBXW about the divorce because when she used to try she wouldn't say much and then change the subject.
I answer her questions. D11 feels sorry for me. In the car earlier in the day she said I needed to "get back out there."
I told her doing things is not my problem -- between my friends, activities, church group and coworkers, I'm pretty much doing things every night they aren't with me.
Still, she sees how I react when she tells me things STBXW is doing.
Man, I've got a long way to go. I was thinking about a friend who told me she finally feels back to normal 4 years after her divorce. I told her I couldn't imagine being in pain for that long.
But look at me now. I'm 18 months into this. The divorce should be done in two months and in many ways I'm a lot better, but in many ways I haven't improved at all. A lot of the things I do I do with the faintest of hopes that somehow the divorce won't happen.
And that's even realizing how bad the relationship was in the end. At my divorce group tonight I was recounting how she didn't once ask about my day, what's going on with my friends, if something was bothering me in the last five years. I didn't matter at all.
She's a full 3 to 5 years ahead of me in terms of shutting down the feelings. I have a long ways to go.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Put more stuff in my calendar last night. Amazingly busy for the next 3 months -- between work (jobs 1, 2 and 3), church classes, and other social stuff. This week I'll get stuff from the girls on their activities. D11's band practice is going to be tricky.
In any case, there isn't going to be much time to dwell on things. It looks like -- in terms of weekends, right now I have two slow times. Mid October to end of November. There's no running races and no basketball games. So my non-kid weekends are free.
And mid June to end of July.
Otherwise I'm either off working a running race or doing football or basketball games.
Lots of stuff. I know I tend to overdo it, but the busier I am the less time to dwell and less time to spend.
Today is the first full day of school. I leave in about 40 minutes to meet the girls off the bus. Tonight is my night so the daycare lady stays there until I'm done working. BUT I won a 60 minute facial last week and ... I don't need it ... so D11 is going to use it from 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. I forgot to figure out how she's getting there.
Thursdays and Fridays are going to be crazy. Fridays I have football games I will have to be done with EVERYTHING by 2:20 p.m. because I won't be coming back. So that means really getting everything finished Thursday night.
Basically, I've scheduled myself to the point I can't really help STBXW much on her nights. She'll have to deal with it. I know I'll get asked and she'll get angry when I say no. I do have to try to accomodate her sometimes. Either this summer or the summer after I'll have to switch the summer weekends so I can work all of my races. I can't just always say no.
Time really is our only friend. A year ago I was staying at work until 9, 10 every night because I didn't really have anything going on. Now ... almost too much.
Before you swing the 2x4s. I'm $25k in credit card debt. I expect the settlement will wipe out about $6k. Still, that's $19k left and I'm going to pay that off. The only way to do it is to work and work and work.
Things happen for a reason and perhaps part of the reason I haven't found someone is I really can't afford another person in my life right now.
Hope everyone else is enjoying the back-to-school times.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Nobody can't always say yes. Nobody can't always say no.
I understand being in a very deep and dark financial hole. It's distressing to say the least. Just be sure you are packing your schedule for the right reasons. Obviously nobody wants to carry debt around and making goals and plans to pay it off is admirable. If it's about the debt then it's about the debt. If it's about being too busy to say "yes" to your W so she fully feels the consequences of her decision then take a step back so you don't drop over dead.
You might find some benefit in reading MZ8's thread in the "newcomer" section. He is GREAT at GAL'ing and keeping busy but has had trouble detaching and releasing control and anger. He has kept so busy for the past year with his GAL adventures he now is sort of stuck with the same feelings he buried by keeping busy. We all could learn from his thread actually.
I guess what I am saying in a very garbled fashion is keep busy for the "right" reasons and not so you can tell your W no in the hopes it forced her to feel *something*.
Having somebody new in your life (generally speaking and IMO) isn't about what you can afford or not. It really is more about where YOU as an individual are.
One thing I've said all along is that I'm closing no doors in my life. Had someone walked through who worked then I would have pursued it. That hasn't happened yet.
Last summer (2009), I worked every weekend I could to avoid being alone. I was staying with a friend. Money wasn't an issue yet. It was more staying busy so I wouldn't be faced with having to find things.
Now, it's mostly about debt. STBXW said something in mediation that really made me mad. She said she thinks we'll both be poor for the rest of our lives. It came out when we were talking about custody and child support.
Well, I'm not going to be poor the rest of mine. I screwed up and let STBXW bury us in debt in the vain hopes it would lift her out of her depression.
Now, one of the positives of not being with STBXW is I don't have to open the monthly credit card bills and wonder what happened. I can fix it.
I still have bitterness and anger issues. I don't think it's so much from over GALing. I think it's because I spent most of 2009 acting "as if" it would all work out in the end.
The brutal reality really hit me at Christmas so I'm behind and now it seems the closer we get to the actual D the angrier I become. I just so want to shut her out of my life completely. I know I can't and I have to forgive. It's just going to take time.
Rebuilding the finances will too. Every little bit helps.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Anger is not a bad thing...no emotion that you have is "bad." And in our circumstances, it can lend some strength. Don't try to stuff any of it, or it will smolder underneath and stick around longer.
CTH, I can relate to all of what you write in terms of the finances and even to a degree the feeling of anger, which in my case really helped. I think the turning point in my situation was the temporary support agreement in which STBXW raked me over the coals and showed no guilt doing so whatsoever. She didn't think for a sec how I'd come up with that kind of money as long as she was getting what she wanted (not needed). However, I've managed to gradually detach and shift my focus to me, DD and to an extent my future. While there's still lots of work to be done in all these areas I know that once the D is finalized my life 2.0 will be better. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So perhaps this anger and motivation to fix your finances is a catalyst for your life 2.0
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
