YES, DO NOT TALK ABOUT HER BEING ON THE DATING SITE! IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
You will only make matters worst and validate her feeling for getting away from you.
Honestly mza8, you need to be in NC right now b/c you are angery and not thinking clearly.
IMO
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Still have mixed feelings about confronting her about website. I think it's my business if she's looking to date while we're still married though. Should I even be concerned about pushing her further away at the moment? She wants to date OM. How much further away can she go?
Talked to some friends of mine today. One of my female friends suggested I just call W and ask her where we are. Other friend sort of agreed. Said I should tell her that after 19 years she could make an hour of her time for me. Tell her I know about the website and say if that's what she wants then there's nothing I can do.
I have my IC appt. tonight...good timing. This day sucks.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Still have mixed feelings about confronting her about website. I think it's my business if she's looking to date while we're still married though. Should I even be concerned about pushing her further away at the moment? She wants to date OM. How much further away can she go?
Talked to some friends of mine today. One of my female friends suggested I just call W and ask her where we are. Other friend sort of agreed. Said I should tell her that after 19 years she could make an hour of her time for me. Tell her I know about the website and say if that's what she wants then there's nothing I can do.
You already know what your W will say. She has told you before, her actions are lining up with her words. You are trying to hold on to something that isn't there.
What would be more attractive, strong and confident?
You calling her and saying, "I know all about you looking on-line to date. Well if that's what you want then there is nothing I can do."
Or next time you talk say, "I heard you are out there in the dating world now. I'm glad for you, you look great and if that makes you happy then I am all for it."
If you are feeling froggy then add, "Maybe we can double date sometime." (Classic WAS script)
What would be better for you? Her mind is made up, how you handle it is up to you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"I heard you are out there in the dating world now. I'm glad for you, you look great and if that makes you happy then I am all for it." "Maybe we can double date sometime."
I love this!
Just think a little about the effect these words would have on her. It would take every ounce of strength or resolve or whatever for you to say them. And, of course, you wouldn't really have to mean it 100%. It would be so difficult for you to do, I get it.
But--
Just imagine the look on her face and what will be going through her mind. Especially the double date part. After you tell her this and walk away with a smile on your face and a bounce in your step, the next person to see her may have to help her pick her chin up off of the ground.
I understand you are upset and angry but making ANY decision at this time is probably not the best idea. Everything you are thinking and feeling is wholly fueled on emotion. Emotionally fueled decisions lead to disasters.
Once you do recenter yourself you might realize a few things:
A: Many of your actions (ex: house) have allowed your W to feel ZERO consequences. So really, you can't be upset NOW that she has gotten off "scott free".
B: Your W has not been very proactive about the house other than having a strong desire to get it sold. If you are the agent get the damn thing sold or figure out how to keep it yourself (if that is something you might want). Your W chose the agent the first time around and it got you nowhere. Sell the house using your expertise and be done with it. Business people don't allow emotions to rule their deals.
C: You can tell yourself what you want but "closure" does not come from a single conversation with your W. Closure does not come from a single (or a few) counseling sessions. Closure is found when you have your ass kicked enough by a WAS and YOU decide enough is enough and you do the work to move FORWARD. You might be good at GAL but deep down you have not detached at all. I might suggest you looking for a new IC as it seems you and the C talk an awful lot about feelings and experiences but not much about HOW to detach, release control and let go.
D: It is mind numbing pain when you find out your WAS is "out there" or sleeping with somebody else. Nobody is discounting your pain. I think the majority of us can relate to the feeling of having your very core destroyed. It is VERY VERY VERY rare for a WAS NOT to date in some fashion. I think many of us have tried to prepare you for that and you were just certain your WAS would be different. She is not. No WAS is unique.
Everything you are so upset about are things you have known all along... your W's immaturity, her inability to deal with life situations in times of crises and so on. So really what makes today any different? Dating or not your W still has those traits. It really just comes down to control. Nothing has changed from last month when you think about it. Your W has not included you in any decisions or any part of her life for some time now. I know that hurts but it illustrates how nothing has changed other than her profile on a dating site).
I guess it all comes down to you embracing ALL the new tools you know about. Implement them. Put as much effort in detaching and releasing control as you do in GAL'ing!
Anger does have it's part in this process so feel what you need to feel but use it as a stepping stone and not a stumbling block. What can we do to help you?
You second suggestion is good. No doubt that shows strength and confidence. How attractive is it though to someone as far gone as her. Does it matter?
I'm not sure that I have it in me to tell her I'm ok with her dating and have fun. Too many thoughts running through my mind right now. Gr8 is right that maybe the best thing to do is not contact her for a day or two. She still hasn't gotten back to me about the house. Where in the world are her priorities is what I want to know. She's more worried about her dating website than the getting back to me about the house which can still go into foreclosure unless we decide about an issue regarding the bank.
Must be nice to be her right now. Not a care in the world and life is grand. Wish I was the one who left her sometimes.
Another reason I thought of as to why I've been afraid to let her go...because I know she won't come back.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
She's more worried about her dating website than the getting back to me about the house which can still go into foreclosure unless we decide about an issue regarding the bank.
Must be nice to be her right now. Not a care in the world and life is grand. Wish I was the one who left her sometimes.
Another reason I thought of as to why I've been afraid to let her go...because I know she won't come back.
Must be nice to be able to mind read.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
IDU, LMAO on her chin dropping to the floor comment. Thank you, that was the first smile I've had today.
I would love to think it would get that reaction from her but I'm not sure that it would.
I did take my ring off last night. I can't wear it anymore knowing she's on the dating website. I know wearing a ring isn't that big of a deal. I took it off out of anger but I can't wear knowing she's looking to date.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
your an hour and a half away from me, I would be more than happy to come down there and we both could go out to Fells Point and through few back. Clear our minds and have fun.
I am free Wed-Friday nights.
When angry count to 10, when very angry count to 100.
No good decision come from anger.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
