Just popped in to say hi...looks like you have recieved a ton of great advice.
I only have one comment....
Tactic or true change. Decide for YOU.
PEI - "the book"....I'm gonna get you for that one
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I watch your thread. You're further along than I am in the process so I feel a little undereducated to be telling you anything or giving advice.
I'll pitch in more often. I promise. And I'm gonna join you on NMMNG starting next week when I'm without D2-under my original CD name)
CD, that's why I put 'until recently' in there. Before you started popping over there's a litany of posts one right after the other from me. I laughed every time I went there. I wasn't a big deal, I was mostly journaling and getting/giving on other people's threads.
It's all good.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
The "tactic" is a "fake it til you make it" but you are correct, my friend. It MUST become real if it is to be of any REAL value.
In reading 5LL's, I am trying to incorporate as much internally as I can. The same can be said of all my reading.
Your question allowed me to actually SEE that. What I mean is, like every other "fixer", my initial entry into DB was to "find the answer answer and fix it".
Magic Bullet Syndrome
What I can see NOW is that I am not viewing what I learn from the board and books as "tactics" for the sitch as much as "an appreciation as to WHY I need to make these things PART of me".
It's subtle but the right direction. I can see why I NEED to incorporate: Boundaries Values Respect Self-Respect My needs REAL love
-into me and ALL my R's. Business; family; friends, etc
This is beyond HER and about my healthy life. The only way she relates to this is that SHE needs to take this journey herself, too, AND if not for her I wouldn't be making this journey myself.
Lastly, MEA CULPA! You have wrongly pointed at PEI. Look further back in my thread and you'll see (before Steady's post) that I started the 'book' description.
I know but I was so involved in my sitch and all the exchanges and reading, etc, I can honestly say I got a little self centered and abandoned "my little brother".
Got a text from OM's W this morning. It would appear that OM has moved back home with parents and has begun texting her again. (How are you?" "Been a while" "Goodnight" "I'm bored today")
This suggests that since my W is likely living with her mom. Easy to verify.
Granted, him moving home saves him rent with school coming up. But it separates them and means D2 will be spending more time with W and grandma than Om's ragtag crew.
Things are going in the right direction from where I see it. I'm hoping this means that the time on her own (and with MIL knowing what I said in the letter-and maybe even the letter itself)my W will have time to begin clearing the fog and really "looking" at herself and the M. Take some responsibility. See the real consequences.
Not out of the woods. No indication the A is DONE. But the sleepovers are done.
And it doesn't change what I'm doing or why. In fact, I think this news has increased my detachment. Can't say why but it feels that way.
[quote]And it doesn't change what I'm doing or why. In fact, I think this news has increased my detachment./quote]
And this ^^^^ is key.
Stay the course.....
Now is a good time to sit back, wait and see what happens.
So....what are you going to do with W starts to text YOU? Have you figured that one out? Is the old CD going to appear? Are you going to stop your progress? Think about that...
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
And it doesn't change what I'm doing or why. In fact, I think this news has increased my detachment.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant
And this ^^^^ is key. Stay the course.....
I am reminded of Missher's line "The smallest consistent behaviour..."
Originally Posted By: ericmsant
...what are you going to do when W starts to text YOU? Have you figured that one out? Is the old CD going to appear? Are you going to stop your progress? Think about that...
Though old CD isn't that far in the past, I am different already. I have to be VIGILANT to keep him in the past. Slow down. Be still. Listen more; talk less.
I have to stay true to ME (or what I have learned so far about me) and really think about whether I need or want her back in my life. Is she healthy for me?
Originally Posted By: ericmsant
Now is a good time to sit back, wait and see what happens.
Missher- "TIME" Wonka -"Watch the parade" PEI "Be still"
All of the above. This news actually makes it easier to do all of them. I feel quite relaxed. Odd feeling considering....
Got a text from OM's W this morning. It would appear that OM has moved back home with parents and has begun texting her again. (How are you?" "Been a while" "Goodnight" "I'm bored today")
Play this very close to the hip, do not engage Goober's W, otherthan "thanks" or "that is good". Anything else you respond with "busy now, gotta go". Remember Goober's W will want to leverage you for info to help her sitch. Resist the temptation, colaboration with her will come across as "controling" to your W.
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
This suggests that since my W is likely living with her mom. Easy to verify.
Do not contact MIL or any of her family same thing as above, comes across as controling.
Now is the time to shine, you are Mr. Cool, Confident, Attractive CD Bear. Now is the time for a little mystery, now is the time for her to wonder about you.
Amazing how this is following a script that has been written before. This is very good news, celebrate but stay on course and be ready there will be challenges ahead. As you said the A is not over.........yet.
(What is the table limit on my bets?)
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Play this very close to the hip, do not engage Goober's W, otherthan "thanks" or "that is good".
That was pretty close. She gave me the info; I asked a couple follow ups and asked her what she would do IF he started talking about reconciliation. That she had to prepare...in case. Reminded her "we have never spoken" and that I had to get to a meeting.
Originally Posted By: Missher
Do not contact MIL or any of her family
Sorry, should have said "simple drive by". I'd never call or engage them.
Originally Posted By: Missher
Now is the time to shine, you are Mr. Cool, Confident, Attractive CD Bear. Now is the time for a little mystery, now is the time for her to wonder about you.
Yep. Mysterious; catnip; confident; calm. It's easier when I feel I've earned some respect and have "hand". Probably why I feel the detachment more. Not a self-righteous "hand" but a "luxury of time" hand. "Luxury of MY decision" hand. Does that make any sense?
Originally Posted By: Missher
(What is the table limit on my bets?)
I don't know about the table but I'm checking to see if my points will fly me to NC to buy some beer. Should work out well 'cause I'm trustin that it will be winter here.
