W went to work this weekend at a bar over 70mi from our home. It's owned by the same people that own the one she started working at close to home a month or so ago. They promised her big money and money seems to be her #1 priority right now. Funny how it took her draining the savings and being called on it for her to start worrying about it. She had originally said she was going to spend the night with her manager (who is recently divorced) and be back home late Sun. and get up at 3:00a.m. to go to her regular job. She wouldn't see the kids for three days. I called B.S. on the whole thing but told her it was her decision and I didn't care anymore what she did.
She did work but did not spend the night. Her parents also called B.S. on her and said basically the same thing that I did. It's too far to drive and too much time away from her family.
As I was getting the kids ready for church Sun. morning, she told me that her dad had been taken to the ER the night before and was in the ICU with pneumonia, and a serious blood infection. She had talked to one of her sisters and got the story. I told her to go ahead and go to the hospital and I would take care of the kids and not to worry about anything here at home. She said there was really nothing she could do there and was going to go work at the bar like she had planned. She said she would call and let me know what was going on and would try to get off early and go to the hospital later in the day.
I saw her brother in church with his daughter. He asked if my W was at the hospital. I said no, she's at work. He said a few choice words and shook his head. He said he was going up there right after church. I offered to watch his daughter, who is the same age as my twins, and he said that would be great.
So, I had five kids all day Sunday. We went swimming and had a hot dog roast, rode four wheelers and had a blast. He picked her up @7:00 and told me I could stop by and see my FIL no matter what my W said and thanked me for watching my niece.
W got home from the hospital @8:15 as I was finishing showers and getting the kids ready for bed. We talked about her dad for a while and she said she told him I was praying for him and that I was at home taking care of the kids. She wanted me to call my mom and dad and see if they could watch the kids tonite and tomorrow so she could spend the night at the hospital with her mom. It was no big deal yesterday and now she is going to spend the night. Whatever. Her dad is very sick and she is maybe feeling guilty. The Dr. told the family if they would have waited until the next morning to bring him in, he probably wouldn't have made it.
I guess I will go into support mode. They are still my family, too for now. My BIL called me this morning at work and said he would pick me up tomorrow at work to go to the hospital if I wanted to and not to worry about what W says. They all know what going on and they are all on my side. That's good to hear even though I know that could change at any time. I told him I appreciated the offer and will take him up on it.
W has been more talkative and friendly lately. Still not wearing her ring and I know I shouldn't really be concerned about that. I am having a great time with the kids, doing some shopping for myself for the first time in a long time and taking care of business.
Please say a prayer for my FIL. He's in pretty bad shape and could use them more than me, right now.
FIL still in ICU. He is doing better and they are planning on moving him to a regular room soon. Still not sure what is causing the blood infection. They are going to keep him and watch him closely and do a battery of tests. He's not out of the woods, yet.
Since the rings came off, W has been more civil that she has in months. When she got home from the hospital last night,(she was planning on spending the night and I was not expecting her home) she filled me in on her dad then showed me her hand and said that it had been hurting all day and that she felt like crap. Her hand is swollen and her fingers are numb. She said it has been working farther up her arm as the day goes on. She asked me to look at it and feel it to see if there was fever in it. I did and was/am concerned. I haven't touched her in months. I told her she should go to the Dr. She said she was going today.
She went to the hospital again this morning with her mom and txt me about her dad. She didn't mention anything about her going to the Dr. I don't know if I should have, but I asked her if she went to the Dr. and, if so, what her said. She answered back that she did and they took blood and x-rays and told her that she had some sort of infection and were running tests on her blood and would let her know asap. I told her to let me know if she heard anything and if she needed me to do anything to help. I have vacation days left and could take a half day and get the kids, etc. She said she was fine and would keep me informed.
I hope it's not whatever her dad has. I'm trying to be supportive without putting up with BS. Haven't really done so well at balancing the two in the past. Is she cake eating? Is she relaxing because I have finally stopped pressuring her? IDK. I do know I have to be supportive while her dad is still very sick and let the rest sit on the back burner for a while. Maybe this is the key to detaching that I have missed for so long.
I wish the best for your FIL, and I hope your W is okay too.
I think you were right to ask about her going to the Dr. This is not the time to worry about right or wrong. You care about your W, and you should be concerned. The other things can wait.
My prayers are with you and your family.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
I had a few of these emergency type events concerning my wife in my situation as well. I think it is best to put the "situation" aside at these times and offer loving support, as you would to any other close family member. It's not pursuit, it's concern.
Remember you are still called to love your W as a fellow human being, no matter what she does. That doesn't mean "tough love" is not permitted, but I don't think it is appropriate when health and other serious family issues arise.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Thanks, Pigskin. It's always good to hear from you.
I have been supportive and offering help, whatever it might be, during this illness with her dad. I ask how he is, if he's comfortable, if he's in a good mood, ready to come home, etc. I also ask how she is feeling. She should get her blood tests back today.
When I got home last night, she was outside. I said, hi, and so did she. I asked how she was feeling as I was walking up the porch steps. She started telling me so I walked back down the steps, got a little closer to her and looked her in the eye and listened. She explained what happened at the Dr. that day and what her thought and how she still felt really bad. I asked a few questions but mostly listened. We went in the house and the kids ran up to me as they always do. I talked to them about their day and played for a few minutes.
I had band practice and offered to stay home to watch the kids so she could lie down and rest. She said she would be fine, to go ahead and go. I left and had a great time, as always.
Got home @12:30 and she was in our bed. It was the first time since April, I think. Our youngest son was there, too. IDK if he went to bed with her or came in later. I laid down and went to sleep. I know it doesn't mean anything and I know she didn't feel good, but thought it worth mentioning.
Just got a txt from BIL that said FIL should get out of hospital sometime this evening. That is great news.
Tonight she's supposed to work at the bar. Unless she calls in sick. So I will have homework and showers and have to find time to cut the grass. We got some rain the last couple of days and it is starting to look like a jungle. I have about 4acres to cut so I don't think I'll get everything done tonight.
It feels like I am finally getting the hang of letting go. I have to make sure to make my actions continue to match my feeling. Or make my actions override my feeling. I'm sure they will change again. It hasn't been a perfect, happy house, but the last couple of weeks have at least been civil. I still wonder if it's my attitude or her getting caught in lies or a combination of both. Whatever it is, I must keep it going.
It's probably a combination of both IDU. Just keep doing what you are doing. Sleeping in "our" bed has to be seen as a good sign, right? I know I would welcome it myself as a positive step, just remember not to get too overzealous or you will push her away again. That has got to be hard as I would want to throw my arms around her and just cuddle for a while, but I would have to fight the urge.
Good luck IDU and keep up the good work! You are doing great.
