Hi all. I just feel so desperate right now. I've known my husband for 23 years and just celebrated our 18th anniversary. We have two wonderful kids, 15 and 16 and we are great parents. They are our pride an joy and we've devoted our whole lives to them, and forgot our marriage.
We've both had affairs but decided to make it work, but never really put the work in. I think I took advantage of the fact that we were comforatble and most of all best friends.
Regrettably, our lives have been sexless, or wildly sexual, but mostly sexless. We had great sex lives when it was active.
We've been up and down and all over the place. I recently was depressed about our relationship because I know neither of us were happy. I decided I had to make a decision to be with him or notand I decided that I could not imagine my life without him and take down the walls that have been built. I opened up to him and he seemed open, but then cold. Then recently he told me that he sees me as a great friend, but he wants more and he just isnt intertested in me as a wife. He also said that he was confused and was going to see a marriage therapist alone to decide what he wants to do.
I feel in limbo and I've begged him to stay, but I thinkk he is slipping away. Should I see it as a good sign that he is going to see a therapist, or not? I am so confused.
To make matters worse, he wants to stay together and live as friends until the kids turn 18. WTF? I told him I don't think that would work for me and now he's pissed.
I've mostly been a stay at home mom with no work skills. Does anyone have advice on how I should react, or not react Should I just let him work it out in his way and be supportive, or put the hammer down.
Thanks--so desperate
Me 40 H 42 S 16 D 15 Together for 23 years Married 18 Blow up 8/21/10 DBomb-but hiding for the kids sake? 8/25/10
I can't help with the R, I am still very new to this. I am a stay at home dad trying to find work now. I would think it would be good for you to start looking for a job. I know it would remove a lot of pressure from me in that I would be better prepared for life after W
I am also new here, but would suggest you read the D Remedy book if u haven't already.
Also- I agree that you finding a job even if its part time would be ideal. It will probably help your self esteem and make you feel good to be more independent. It may also help your husband see you in a more positive life.
You should be supportive and NOT put the hammer down. But at the same time you don't want to be clingy and needy or you will push him further away. You should work on getting a life of your own and finding some new hobbies or spending time with friends. You want to be happy around him and not be sulking or appear depressed. This will draw him to you. Give him alittle space and time to figure things out on his own and don't push him.
YOu have come to the right place for advice and support. Hang in there and be patient. I know it is hard. I have to remind myself of this every day.
M-34, H-37, No Kids Married 4yr, Together 6yr Discovered EA 7/24/10 Separated 8/6/10 Filed 8/16/10 H Moved home and Piecing 9/20/10 H returns to OW 12/10 EA was really PA I file 12/29/10 I move out 12/30/10
I have a job, but not a good enough job that I could support myself because of my lack of skills. It's funny because my H has been pushing for me to get a job with benefits for a long time. I should have seen the writing on the wall long ago.
It's hard not to sulk and be despressed. I wish I could just put on that happy face but it's just so raw and devestating.
I'm so confused..one minute he tells me he doesnt want me and the next he is kissing me goodnight. I must be a show for the kids. I'm not sure the kids have a clue that we havent been getting along.
Me 40 H 42 S 16 D 15 Together for 23 years Married 18 Blow up 8/21/10 DBomb-but hiding for the kids sake? 8/25/10
Should I see it as a good sign that he is going to see a therapist, or not?
Depends on the therapist. Sadly, not all are really very pro-marriage. Do you know if this one is? Do they have any specific experience with infidelity?
"Puppy's Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice" for Waylayed Spouses Who Just Got Bombed"
1. Get proof (of whether or not there's OM/OW). Hint: There almost always is.
2. Do either:
2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts over in Infidelity)
Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.
You are at the right place, there is a lot of good advice here and people to pick you up when you are down. I'm really good at the sulking and depressed part of this, seems like every day there is something new to help me stay that way. But, there are so many stories here of people who have been through this and saved their marriage, or people who went through this and saved themselves. Go get Divorce Remedy (I like it better than Divorce Busting), read them, read the first chapters here on line. One person can save a marriage.
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
I don't know if the therapist is pro-marriage. The only thing I do know is that he practices "Brief Therapy." H says he's no longer attracted to me and there's so much water under the bridge that he's not hopeful. I think he is seeing a "happy" future without us and I've read up on Brief Therapy and that's what scares me. This is all new and so raw. He has an appointment on Monday. H said he wished he wouldn't have told me anything and in his words "faked me out" until my daughter turned 18 and then he would have left. I am glad he shared that insight. That gave me the opportunity to tell him in order for me to consider allowing that to happen, I would need proof that he attends his appointment.
I highly suspect he has a OW but could never obtain proof no matter how hard I tried.
I cant talk to him because I can tell that I am puhsing him away.Im judt trying to get through this week and be hopeful. Not feeling so good right now.
Me 40 H 42 S 16 D 15 Together for 23 years Married 18 Blow up 8/21/10 DBomb-but hiding for the kids sake? 8/25/10
desperate - read Divorce Remedy, listen to the pros on this site, read the quote threads and focus on yourself. Read other stories too - it helps to know there are many, many folks struggling with the same issues.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
If you're not willing to life in an affectionless, sexless marriage until your child turns 18, and if you don't have the stomach to go the "1, 2a" route, then it sounds to me like you have your answer.
I highly suspect he has a OW but could never obtain proof no matter how hard I tried.
What makes you think that?
I understand you feeling sulky and depressed. It's normal. But now is the time to really take a look at the big picture and what is happening. It's good that you told him you won't tolerate living together as "friends" until your kids turn 18. That is not fair to either of you. Him acting incredulous about your response to that is not right.
Take Puppy's advice -- on or the other.
In the interim, I'd recommend starting to look for a job. STAT.
