Blindsided, Just served with papers!

[robx]

W told me she loves me and has felt neglected during our whole M. So by going totally dark and going along with it seems to be putting the nail in the coffin.

I think it's easy to fall into the trap of double guessing yourself and your actions, did you neglect her, maybe you did, maybe you didn't, however we forget that they do have the ability to communicate these things to you, if they choose not to, it's not entirely your fault. Did you feel hurt & neglected when she had an affair during your first separation? Are her feelings of neglect really just feelings of boredom and placing the responsibility on you for keeping her excited and stimulated all the time - where is her responsibility in all of this? She is an adult, we all are, we're all responsible for our actions, don't feel like this is 100% your fault because it isn't.

I know pin, I did book her a massage and facial for the hell of it. If it doesn't show her something then oh well.

All I can say to that is .... oh well ;-)
I have no idea what that would be for? "...Thank you for separating from me and contributing to the breakup of our family?" I don't think this gift was necessary and I'm sure all it just accomplished was more confusion.

She says she is paranoid around me, worried about her every move and how I will react. SHe says she has noticed changes in me, but does not believe they will stick, that is my M.O, work on changes and go back to the way it was.

Did you place any requirements on her to improve as a spouse after the first separation and her affair? Don't fall into the trap of having to jump through hoops for her until you are just "perfect", if you are expected to change while she remains as is, do you really believe that would work? It wouldn't. You would have a feeling of something lacking, after all the effort you put into changing and becoming Mr.Perfect, she would still be the same spouse - where would your reward be? This type of idea always leads to the same place, high expectations that don't get fulfilled leaving someone always wanting more which leads to problems, fighting, animosity, etc. Don't get sucked into this trap, you might actually discover that you're pretty damn fine as is, maybe her judging criteria is flawed or maybe it's all an excuse and no matter what you do, she will never be happy - people like this exist, plenty of them.

I did speak with my L today, I am going to represent myself at the first hearing, with our first S I was awarded full custody, so I do have that in my court. My plan if it gets to that is to ask the Judge for custody on a 50/50 format, no child support either way and we split the assets down the middle. If that is not acceptable I will ask for a continuence to hire an attorney. I do not want to retain one at a couple grand right now, the papers I was served with are not asking for a whole lot, she is not trying to rake me over the coals.

sounds fine to me but I would still get a decent legal opinion on this. I do believe however that previous history is on your side on this matter but I wouldn't make any assumptions on what the future holds.

... W obviously got the card, which was pretty much a card that spoke of things in the past cannot be undone, the fact I reflect on problems and apologize for the hurting it caused. the end of the card says I love you and always will. She was given a single red rose and a gift card for a facial and back treatment. I gave it with no expectations, a little worried she was going to flip out about the cost, or say something like dont do things like that. Neither happened. She looked very tired, she was lying on the bed with our D falling asleep on her chest. She looked at me and said she is asleep. I walked over and picked our D up rocked her a bit and laid her down in her bed. W looked at me while I did this, got up and went in her room.

Did you really give it with no expectations?
C'mon be honest. You're hoping all this effort into being a great new man for her will wake her up and she'll finally ask you to give the marriage another shot. These are the things that aren't working, improving yourself so that she will like you better, buying gifts, etc. Improvement is an awesome thing, I'm all about self-improvement, but when you improve yourself to please others and to win back their approval, that is just supplicating behavior and it usually never works, just an FYI, these are the things that AREN'T working.

...yes she has moved quickly, I also think about the first S, I filed quickly then, maybe she was freaked that she needed to file before I did. Dont Know...Again, I am trying something different bcuz the other stuff wasnt working for M. But I want everyone to know I am working on me, and the fact that I am doing different things makes me feel better about myself, I can look back and say I tried

There is a lesson in this, originally you moved quickly and she responded accordingly, crisis/fear of loss, afraid to lose you during the first separation because you wouldn't stand for BS. The dynamic changed this time, she did it first, filed for D and you started to change and act differently to get her back. This is exactly how it worked. If you had done the same thing this time before she had filed, you would have rec'd the same result as you did originally and BTW you don't need to let everyone know that you're doing things differently to make you feel better, improving your life is for your benefit, nobody else, no one else gets to live your life, only you do. You can hope to set an example for your kids to do the same but your goal in life is to live a great life.

I am trying to mix it up a bit. I have given her something to show some affection and love but I am also detached not showing to be needy showing strength. I guess the best way to put it is that I want to work on M, but if it doesnt happen I will move on....The waiting game is what sucks. I know a lot of people here would rahter it be done, or get back to working on M, but we all have to wait.

Why are you trying to mix it up? That's my question.
What is the goal of this action? Let her go, that's the quickest way for her to come back if she wants to come back at all and that's not guaranteed, never has been and never will be but you won't get her back with a few gift certs. Showing affection, buy gifts, changing for her benefit are all forms of pursuing, pursuing women this way doesn't work, never has, never will - these are the things that aren't working, these are things that you are doing, that is your reality, don't fight reality, it is what it is, accept it, use it, learn from it. You don't tell her you want to work on the marriage because that is pursuing especially when someone has filed for divorce, you just agree with her decision, you make it your decision too. You agree with her and she has nothing to fight against, if you want the same thing, how could she fight you? You let her go, she wants a divorce, you say "YES I TOTALLY AGREE!", saying anything else will just communicate the fact that you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you and these forums are filled with spouses that communicate this very same thing to their wayward spouses and guess what....It never works. It's pursuing, it's chasing, and if something or someone chases you, you normally run away from them, that's just the reality of human nature.

There is so much more to go through in your thread but I wanted to chime in, it's definitely been a while and you need to get back on track.