Question for the officially divorced

[ClingingToHope]

I'm not divorced yet, but I'll chime in on a couple of things I've been told. A friend who is 42 said it took her four years to feel like herself again. And her husband was a serial cheater and they had no kids.

A coworker who has been happily married to his second wife for nearly 20 years told me last year that his second marriage is superior in every single way to the first. Yet there hasn't been a week yet that he hasn't thought about the first wife at least once.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO over it!

But I had some advantages in my case:

1) H had an affair several years ago, I DB'd my butt off, we reconciled and had several wonderful years - so I had the satisfaction of having "won" that time and successfully DB'd.
I'd also been through all the grief of betrayal then, and frankly, didn't feel the need to go all the way back there when H left this time.

2) When H left, it was really the third time he'd betrayed me in the marriage - I really couldn't imagine what he could POSSIBLY do that would make me trust him again, even if he came crawling back, so it was easier to let go.

3) It was also easier to let go because I had peace in my heart that I had tried everything I could to save the marriage. I decided to accept that somehow he had to go down this path and I couldn't save him. Someone said "Let go or be dragged" and I decided, since I couldn't change the outcome, I might as well go out and be happy!

4) I lucked into a marvelous lover a few months after H left - he made me feel desirable and valued the things my H saw as flaws - great for my self esteem. We're not together now but remain great friends and I'll always be grateful to him.

5) I learned to play the drums in a rock band - it is impossible to be unhappy when you are drumming Highway to Hell!

But of all these things, really the most important was accepting that this time I wasn't going to be able to change things, and that maybe the universe had some other plans in mind for me. My life is good and getting better all the time I'm going on tour with a professional musician friend for two weeks, playing the glockenspiel for her, lol. I've been chatting online with a potential new boyfriend who gets back into town next week - tall, dark, handsome, successful, with a sexy foreign accent - what's not to like? I've decided to learn to accept that all my good behavior has earned me some good karma and I DESERVE to have someone fabulous come into my life.

Ellie WOW!!! I felt like I was reading my own situation! ditto! minus the drums and meeting a tall dark handsome boyfriend

How long has it been since the D?

[soleil]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I know it is a personal journey and some folks "recover" better/faster than others and that it can leave a hole in your heart.

But of all these things, really the most important was accepting that this time I wasn't going to be able to change things, and that maybe the universe had some other plans in mind for me.

This is great

[kat727]

I decided to accept that somehow he had to go down this path and I couldn't save him. Someone said "Let go or be dragged" and I decided, since I couldn't change the outcome, I might as well go out and be happy!
Ellie

Awesome, exactly what I needed to hear. I know that everyone has their own path to take. That includes the good, the bad, the mistakes and regrets. I need to quit trying to fix and let the chips fall where they may. This applies to the kids too sometimes. I can't do everything for them when they don't understand something. I can guide them, show them how to do a couple problems if I know how(lol) and support them. (well,and remind them like crazy if need be).

Thanks Ellie.

kat

[KenF]

soleil
I've found for myself, thinking about the D and what went wrong and who did what with whom and who was at fault became a habit.

its been a little over 2 years since it ended, and a year since it became official. and i can finally say it doesnt take up my mind anymore.

be very careful what your mind dwells on. if you keep running the situation through your head it will become habit. and whenever you relax, you'll start to replay the situation again and again. its relentless.

and i've found this to be very unhealthy for me.

i couldnt say this last year, but when its done, then be done with it.

[Survival_Goddess]

I am w/ Ellie...Soooo over it...The official divorce was about 4 years ago. I don't pine, or grieve, or mourn the loss...

Still working on getting over my anger, however. My financial situation is unpleasant, and I have been struggling since the D. My income is about 1/3 or less what it was before.

Other than finances everything else is great!