I guess I am going to have to dig a little deeper. That my friend is going to have to wait. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have been spending a ton of time in my head. A good question though...
I acutally can't think of the answer.
Maybe I am fighting acceptance of who I am? Could it be some other past issues? F*ck...I don't know.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
FTR...your more than welcome to come on in...shi* I could use the help.
Lance - your right...I am trying to remove "her" from my thought process..from my search.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric, All I can do is tell you what I think "In My Humble Opinion" and we all know that "opinions" are like "a$$holes" meaning "everyone has one".
Okay, another cathardic post my friend, a long one too!! While you did some digging, I had to dig into your post, and I have read it multiple times and my response is not just based on what you post here. So here it is, remember just my opinion.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
I am afraid of success. I am afraid that maybe just maybe…I have accomplished much in my life. How does that feel Eric? I don’t know. In one way I feel good, in another way I feel scared. Can I put my life back together after all of this? Can I make it on my own? I know I can yet I still am afraid. Once again..I have already faced this fear. I am a success. A success defined by ME and no one else. A success from a professional perspective. A success from a personal perspective. Truly a success. Once again – I am giving her credit for something that I have done. For the work that I have done. Why??
I think your afraid of being HAPPY......pretty effing simple.
And that thing you talk about... "Guilt" the thing you need to let go of......it is getting in the way of you moving forward and ultimately being HAPPY.
Your guilt is a nice warm blanket and you are wrapped up in it, you know it, it is familiar.
All the things you said up there in the quote, sh!t, those are all things to be HAPPY about, awesome accomplishments, you know where you came from and the obstacles you overcame, let yourself be HAPPY.
I get the abandonment thing, but IMO that is not what is holding you back from being HAPPY, and by the way your wife's choices aren't getting in your way either. You have verbalized that, I know you don't want your kids to suffer, to have to change schools, change friends, change this or that, split time betweem Mom and Dad and all the other crap that comes with Divorce. But if you let your GUILT over that happening to them (especially your daughter) get in the way of Eric being HAPPY then you will not be the best Dad you can be.
Moms and Dads are better Moms and Dads when they are HAPPY.
You choosing a life where you can be a SUCCESSFUL MAN and be HAPPY is not made at the expense of your children but instead a choice made FOR your children.
You getting out of that living environment that you have been in for the last 11 months is going to be the very best thing for you. We have talked about this, your head will clear, the leaves will blow away and you will see your path.
Children are extremely aware of our moods, if you are tense they will know, if you are sad they will know, if you are HAPPY they will know. And let me say this.....their happiness is not wrapped up in what we can buy them, where we take them or even where they live. It comes from knowing and feeling loved by Mom and Dad. You know this and you are a SPECTACULAR DAD, however you could be better.....if you let yourself be HAPPY.
There is uncertainty ahead for you that is for sure but you are a SUCCESSFUL MAN, look at where you are today and what you have overcome to get there. Why the hell would you think that you could not overcome this challenge.
We talk about what we are at the core, up to this point you have talked about the "Proud Rican from NY" and that you are the "MAN", and have painted that as a character flaw. Sure, some of that could get in the way of an intimate R with a woman, but you learned that, owned it, and you are past that. But maybe some of that "Bravado" needs to be put to use in facing the challenges ahead, I don't know....that is up to you.
Could be the pursuit of that goal is where your happiness lies???? You may never reach the goal, however striving to get there will give a sense of purpose in life.
Don't be afraid to be HAPPY, and you sure as hell don't need anyone's permission.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Thanks dude....can you say...bingo was his name o'...
Putting on the helmet with the big light....I'm going in dude...deep....really deep....
Hey Grit...wanna join
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I wanted to thank you for your posts to my tread, for your encouragement and sensible advice....somehow you are able to project so much sincerity and feelings into your posts that I'm always deeply touched....you have a gift Eric....Thank you for being my friend
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
While you did some digging, I had to dig into your post, and I have read it multiple times and my response is not just based on what you post here. So here it is, remember just my opinion.