Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

Gah, I'm starting to feel like this is ALL my fault.

I could have done so many things before, and after D-day. I could have stopped all my CB and let her go early on and maybe she'd be more willing to come back to me. I could have paid her more attention and been a better father and H to her before D-day and she never would have had this EA.

It's just hitting me like a ton of bricks. No - not a ton of bricks... 1000 tons of bricks. The weight is just so unbearable that I've been this way during our M and now it's all coming to a head.

I don't want to be D. I really don't. It's just so painful right now to realize the motions in place moving towards that realization of being in a M that ends in D. That's just so terrible! I'm a good man that's just made a lot of mistakes! I'm a loving person to my W and she is a loving person to me. This is just all so unbearable right now.

I don't even know how to act anymore. I'm so torn between what I'm supposed to do that has the slightest chance at saving my M, and just giving up completely and moving on. I can't help but feel pain every single moment of the day right now.

The house is empty. It's so quiet. I don't wake up next to my W anymore. I don't get a kiss, or say goodbye before I leave for work anymore. I don't get to give my son a hug before work and tell him I will be home for lunch, or tell him I will taking him somewhere or playing some game with him when I get home after work.

My life has completely turned upside down, and I'm the only one to blame for it. How could I have been so naive to think it would always be like this? I didn't deserve to have my life with my W and S4 when I acted the way I did. I hate that I was that person. And truthfully, I'm still that person in some regards. I HATE that part of me - the one who was selfish, controlling, manipulative, and always had to get my way.

I just really hate myself right now for allowing this to happen. I have no one to blame but myself. My W had an EA, yeah, I get it. But had I been the person that I WANT TO BE this never would have happened. The person I want to be, and the person my W wants to have as a H are the same person.

Why was I so f'ing stupid? Why couldn't I see?