Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

Hi John,

Trying to help you see a pattern here:

W registers kids for school.
W wants to know if I took dog to vet.
W schedules mediation.

John, she has thought this stuff over, and is acting. She isn't spending time waiting for you to act except a little with the dog, and even then she's prodding you along.

Think you got the wrong thread No dog or kid in school here

[Coach]

Do you here what TH just said? She's moving on. You are a drowning man grasping at straw.

She's not too happy to go at all, doesn't really want to go at all, but says that she will because she "loves and respects me".

She kept you in line with that comment. Yesterday it was the "mutual affection." She will use that line on you again.

"John, I cant go to Retrouvialle. I love you and respect you too much to put you thru that when my heart isn't in it. I don't want to give you any false hope. Can't you see that, honey? It wouldn't be fair to you and that's what I really want."

The cycle just keeps repeating. She will give you enough false hope until she's out the door.

[TimeHeals]

LOL.

I have you confused with DSH for some reason.

Hey! Might want to take a look at his thread (assuming my mind confused you two for some actual reason).

[john28]

Gah, I'm starting to feel like this is ALL my fault.

I could have done so many things before, and after D-day. I could have stopped all my CB and let her go early on and maybe she'd be more willing to come back to me. I could have paid her more attention and been a better father and H to her before D-day and she never would have had this EA.

It's just hitting me like a ton of bricks. No - not a ton of bricks... 1000 tons of bricks. The weight is just so unbearable that I've been this way during our M and now it's all coming to a head.

I don't want to be D. I really don't. It's just so painful right now to realize the motions in place moving towards that realization of being in a M that ends in D. That's just so terrible! I'm a good man that's just made a lot of mistakes! I'm a loving person to my W and she is a loving person to me. This is just all so unbearable right now.

I don't even know how to act anymore. I'm so torn between what I'm supposed to do that has the slightest chance at saving my M, and just giving up completely and moving on. I can't help but feel pain every single moment of the day right now.

The house is empty. It's so quiet. I don't wake up next to my W anymore. I don't get a kiss, or say goodbye before I leave for work anymore. I don't get to give my son a hug before work and tell him I will be home for lunch, or tell him I will taking him somewhere or playing some game with him when I get home after work.

My life has completely turned upside down, and I'm the only one to blame for it. How could I have been so naive to think it would always be like this? I didn't deserve to have my life with my W and S4 when I acted the way I did. I hate that I was that person. And truthfully, I'm still that person in some regards. I HATE that part of me - the one who was selfish, controlling, manipulative, and always had to get my way.

I just really hate myself right now for allowing this to happen. I have no one to blame but myself. My W had an EA, yeah, I get it. But had I been the person that I WANT TO BE this never would have happened. The person I want to be, and the person my W wants to have as a H are the same person.

Why was I so f'ing stupid? Why couldn't I see?

[TimeHeals]

Gah, I'm starting to feel like this is ALL my fault.

It's not all your fault.

I could have paid her more attention and been a better father and H to her before D-day and she never would have had this EA.

She didn't have an EA because of anything you did. People have EA's because they either lack poor personal boundaries (e.g. sharing intimacy with members of the opposite sex other than your spouse) or because they lack integrity.

You don't control her actions, so you aren't responsible for her affair. Let it go.

My life has completely turned upside down,

Things have just changed is all. Fighting the idea that things have changed causes suffering. Accept it, feel what you need to feel, formulate a new plan of action and stick to your core priciples and values.

I just really hate myself right now for allowing this to happen

You didn't allow it. Your wife is a woman with free will and can make her own choices.

[dad1b1g]

John,

I was feeling the EXACT way last week. Then I realized what TH just told you. Did we make mistakes, yes. Did we fail to see what was happening right in front of our eyes, yes. Is it all out fault, NO. There were two people in your M, both were resposible for making it work and to communicate when it wasn't.

The bricks did not leave all at once for me, but I am a few tons lighter today than I was last week.

Hang in there and focus on YOU today.

[pinhead]

I don't want to be D. I really don't. It's just so painful right now to realize the motions in place moving towards that realization of being in a M that ends in D. That's just so terrible! I'm a good man that's just made a lot of mistakes! I'm a loving person to my W and she is a loving person to me. This is just all so unbearable right now.

I don't even know how to act anymore.

John, remember the part in "N.U.Ts" that talks about getting rid of the little boy? Re-read that part.

When I was diagnosed with rectal cancer, I was furious. I didn't want chemo. I didn't want radiation treatment. I didn't want a colostomy; farting has always been one of my favorite activities. I didn't want to have ED for a year while I recovered.

But that's what God handed me. I didn't deal well with it. Having gone through the last 2 months, it'd be a piece of cake if I had to go through all of that medical stuff again.

You know how to act. Get rid of the little boy. Accept where you are, move to where you want to be.

[john28]

Went to MC today and it went as I expected.

I was a mess all the time in MC session. Terrible mess. Totally emotional. My W doesn't want to work at all on the M. When the MC asked her what she wanted now in the R, she replied with, "To get done with this as soon as possible and move on with my life."

Yeah, not great to hear.

We talked mostly about how I had been doing more of the same. Still the same controlling John. Still the same don't listen John. All the reasons that my W left in the first place. I haven't changed a bit, in fact the last two months have been even worse than before.

I accepted it.

I just have to change now. Stop trying to LEAD or run the show. When I LEAD my W says she feels like "You think I am stupid, and I don't want to be with a person who thinks I'm stupid" or when I pressure, "I don't want to be with a person who bullys me."

So I'm a wreck. Not doing awesome at all, but I do know that the things I've been doing haven't been working, obviously - so that is at least some information that I have.

I have to stop arguing my point of view. Plain and simple.

Just agree with everything.

Basic DB principles that I haven't followed, even though I think I might have... I really haven't.

I see now that I'm just defensive all the time. Trying to get the other person to see my point of view. Trying to "manipulate" them into getting my way, or seeing what I see, or doing what I want to do. It's awful. That part of me is a terrible person.

At one point, the MC said something to the effect of, "I don't think she wants a divorce, but she just can not live like this anymore, and she refuses to live like this ever again." W nodded her head in somewhat agreement.

There is still a sliver of hope left.

But, I realize now that I've been trying to make these changes for all the wrong reasons. I've been trying to change because I wanted my W back, not because I wanted to change because it was the right thing to do. I've been motivated by all the wrong reasons.

After the MC the W and I went to get some quick food and a drink. I told her that she had been right all along. She said, "This happens every time after we go to MC session... you have a 'realization' and you're good for 2 days, but then you go back to your old self." She was right. I agreed with her, told her she was right. Didn't say I would do better this time because it would be just stupid to say that.

There were many hugs and kisses on the lips today, some she initiated, some I did, probably equal. Still sexual tension there, when we walked up to her door she was putting the key in and I put my hand on her bottom and she smiled kinda girly and I snapped her panties, she smiled and laughed.

Small sliver of hope. Just a small one. Not much there, but it's something.

I have my S4 for the next 2 days, so I'm just going to focus on him now.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I don't want to be D. I really don't. It's just so painful right now to realize the motions in place moving towards that realization of being in a M that ends in D. That's just so terrible! I'm a good man that's just made a lot of mistakes! I'm a loving person to my W and she is a loving person to me. This is just all so unbearable right now.

I don't even know how to act anymore.

John, remember the part in "N.U.Ts" that talks about getting rid of the little boy? Re-read that part.

When I was diagnosed with rectal cancer, I was furious. I didn't want chemo. I didn't want radiation treatment. I didn't want a colostomy; farting has always been one of my favorite activities. I didn't want to have ED for a year while I recovered.

But that's what God handed me. I didn't deal well with it. Having gone through the last 2 months, it'd be a piece of cake if I had to go through all of that medical stuff again.

You know how to act. Get rid of the little boy. Accept where you are, move to where you want to be.

1/2

(I'd've given you "4 Whistles," Pinhead, but I'm really trying to limit those to no more than 1x/day, lol)

Outstanding.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You know how to act. Get rid of the little boy. Accept where you are, move to where you want to be.

Here, @ 4:30 mark:


"Time to Put Away Childish Things" (North Dallas Forty)