Looking for help with WAW

[gr8 day 2B alive]

mza8,

sorry your feeling so upset. we both know going into this process that there would be a chance that it we would not reconcile with our Ws.

I struggled the past few days and coach and puppy set me stright.

My W and I are going to mediation in September. She said she will be serving me. I am OK with that.

I actually feel better now that I dropped the rope. I can now comminucate better with her about the kids. And I am showing her I am a great father and a great guy.

Have I given up??? Not really but I can't let her consume the way I live me life.
If it works out, great if it doesn't OK. I(We, sorry Goose)have better ourselves for a new R.

If you say anything to her about the dating site it will only push her away more and there is reall no reason to do it.

Don't let your anger come out about her actions.

Believe these feelings will pass. I found out my W slept with someone else. It bothered me at first but I can't control that so I don't worry about it. It's just sex.

Hang in there.

[mza8]

I'm confused as hell then. I didn't think there was any way that I had been pursuing her lately? I thought I was leading, taking care of things, not asking her for anything. I don't think I've told her or done anything lately for her to think that I hadn't let her go?

Couple things I have control over are not being the agent anymore and gaining some self respect for myself. Telling her that I'm filing the taxes on my own...she will have to pay a lot filing herself. Telling her that I'm no longer going to do everything and protect her from dealing with this mess. She can now take care of the house, banks, etc...I'm done.

Maybe I haven't truly detached or let her go to myself but I think I've acted like I have to her.

No advice as to expose or not to her family or friends? I'm now in the situation so many here are in and they are told to expose, tell her I won't live in an open marriage, etc. I know we're separated and saying some of these things might not have any effect but there's no advice here but to just be ok with her wanting to date and not saying anything about it? Are you saying that I should just give up? Yes, it's been many long months but doesn't this sometimes take at least a year of more in some cases for the WAW to come around?

Look, I know I must seem desperate in my posts this morning but I just got hit over the head with the worst news I can imagine. I just can't believe that I'm just supposed to be ok with this and sit on my hands.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Maybe I haven't truly detached or let her go to myself but I think I've acted like I have to her.

Probably so, women can sense it, like a shark senses blood.

What would come of telling her family and friends?
Nothing good for you. I know it stings but look at my last post about my W.

You will feel different in a few days.
Maybe she needs to see what's out there.And if your acting like a raging lunetic then you are not the best option.

Be the best option.

[Coach]

No advice as to expose or not to her family or friends?

Expose what? She's on a dating site.

What has she told you, her family and friends about your M?

I just got hit over the head with the worst news I can imagine.

Your STBXW is on a dating site is the worst news you can imagine? You are playing the victim here. Your W is a better DBer than you.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Your W is a better DBer than you.

I got smacked with this yesterday. It seems to come natural to the WAW.

[mza8]

Hi Gr8, thanks for the support today man. I really need it today. I found it hard to breath last night when I found out.

My W was so self-conscious about herself (body) as she was always overwieght. Now she's lost the weight and she must feel just fine about herself now. As I said in my recent posts the past few days, I have been so angry because I felt like she was playing me. I was angry because she continues to run away and not even talk to me once during this separation. I meann come on, 19 years together and she can't even talk to me but now it's ok for her to date? Did she not think I wouldn't find out and be upset? Did she not think that I would now stop doing anything for her?

Now when I tell her that I'm not going to do anything for her anymore with these things she may not even care. In any event at least I won't be doing all of these things to help and be made a fool out of anymore.

I'm not sure I can push her away any further now that she's on the dating website? Can I? Does it even matter at this point? Doing nothing seems to be pushing her towards OM.

I don't know how I can talk to her now and not be angry? Maybe she needs to see that I'm pissed? I can't continue to beat my head over a rock and do everything with the house, finances, etc. knowing she's planning on dating. I could try to be very calm with her and tell her that I'm not doing anything anymore and when she asks why I will tell her what I know.

I don't think she's had sex with any OM yet but obviously the dating website leads to that. I can't try anymore to save this M if she has a PA. I just can't do it. I couldn't get over that. I don't know how I wouldn't always think about it.

I'm losing it today.

[Coach]

Your W is a better DBer than you.

I got smacked with this yesterday. It seems to come natural to the WAW.

Do you understand why? They are out in front of you on the detachment curve. To do DB well you need to get ahead of them on the curve. Accept the fact you are already dead.

[TimeHeals]

I just can't do it.

You will have to do it.

I couldn't get over that

You will have to get over it even moving on.

I can't try anymore to save this M

Who is asking you to try to save it?

I don't know how I wouldn't always think about it.

Easy: you will be too busy enjoying life and making plans for your better future. That is how you don't always think about it.

Let go of the past. Let go of the hurt. Feel it and let it go.

[mza8]

Maybe her family and some of her friends don't know she's on this dating site?

I honestly don't know what she's told her family and friends about our M. I'm guessing she said that I didn't have the job, wasn't ambitious, was angry all of the time, but who knows? The only thing she ever told me during this separation was just the 5 things she told me the night she left. She said she was upset about no job, the house financial mess, that I was always angry, that I didn't like her family and that I smothered her. I still remember that speech like it was yesterday. That's all she's ever told me. I've worked hard to be better about those 5 things. I've told her this.

In our conversation about a month ago she got extremely angry with me and said she was just thinking I was starting to really change but she thinks I was being my old self. I listened and she calmed down. I realize know that she played me. She told me things I wanted to hear but she didn't mean them.

Yes, I imagine she is a better Dber than me. What's the saying? Whoever cares the least about the M is the one who controls it. She does a very good job acting "as if", I'll give her that.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Listen,
my W did a lot of things that was out of character for her too.

You are playing the victim still, which shows you haven't detached.

As for:

I don't think she's had sex with any OM yet but obviously the dating website leads to that. I can't try anymore to save this M if she has a PA. I just can't do it. I couldn't get over that. I don't know how I wouldn't always think about it.

I said the same thing months ago and look at me now.

Honestly, I don't know what's going to happen with my W.

I do know I am going to be happy. I want people who spend time with me to say "why's he so happy?

Things will work out.

Keep busy.