IMO .....she means it right now. Does that mean that she cannot change her mind? No. She can. Do you understand that it is her mind to make up?
Look we talk about MLC fog, MLC phases..the reality is that in her mind YOU are the cause of all of her issues. So I think she believes what SHE FEELS.
Will she ever wake up? Who the hell knows. It is not easy - nor is your work. Nope..I have watched you post over the past few months and what I see is a lack of self reflection. A lack of working on you. A lack of trying to live your life. Maybe you just dont post what you are doing for you. Maybe not.
What I think you really need to do is begin to really live your life as if she is not coming back.
Stop looking at every one of your interactions with her. You are spending way too much time trying to determine which phase she is in. I can imagine that you keep asking yourself...is she coming out...is today the day. Stop it dude. It does no good.
Many come here looking for the quick fix. This is a long....let me repeat....long process. The process is both YOURS and hers.
So what is your process? Answer that one.
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"Maybe you just dont post what you are doing for you."
I feel self-righteous posting what I do for my 'internal work.' If you're curious, since I went on the involuntary MLC diet a year ago I have:
[*]Stopped drinking completely. Never was much of a drinker to begin with though (usually one cup of wine a few days a week) [*]Gotten back into running - now up to 15 miles a week. I'm slow as a turtle, but mannnnn, I'll get there eventually... :o) [*]Started going to church again a few months ago with my children [*]Most important one to me is that I've become (I think anyways) really good friends with my son. We've always been good buddies, but the level of closeness/intimacy between us is much greater than before. This, along with the relationship with my daughter, is what I care about most... Despite all the drama with my 'brat' wife, my heart feels very content about the relationship with my kids.
There. Now that I've got that fluff out of the way, where's my tin-foil hat?! I'm going hunting for aliens!
Seriously, as far as looking into the little details too much, I plead guilty as charged. I used to be an air traffic controller. Can't ever stop looking for that one extra little pocket of space up in the sky to fit one more airplane. It's who I am. But, no, I'm not crazy, and I'm not here looking for a quick fix. I'm just...looking... (Like I said above, I'm slow like a turtle sometimes.)
"Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. Remember this always."
In my brain, I 'get' that this is how I can de-personalize my wife's outbursts. But I'm a big, blubbering mess when it comes to actually convincing myself, "Hey, don't take her threats personally. And, don't believe them." She makes these threats with such conviction when the alien is out in full force. It's tough to detach from that knowing my marriage, and our children's well being, is at stake.
I used to be an air traffic controller. Can't ever stop looking for that one extra little pocket of space up in the sky to fit one more airplane. It's who I am. But, no, I'm not crazy, and I'm not here looking for a quick fix. I'm just...looking... (Like I said above, I'm slow like a turtle sometimes.)
Ha Ha! Have you ever caught the jet wash during landing like some other fictional air traffic controllers?...
Seriously though...Bravo on the GAL. You will be ok no matter what happens. Your kids have a stable ROCK as a father! That is a difficult thing with your son having to stretch the truth. And I realize that it is a painful thing for you to witness your kids going through this.
You are doing as expected. It is tough to detach. I wish I had been in your shoes. My W was doing the physical dating while married to me. To the point of getting an STD and being very mean and selfish to me. When she introduced the kids to OM and kissing in front of them (after I forbide it) that was my breaking point. She did her threats before that, and even though I took it personally, I was able to shake those off.
But I also dont relish ever having to go through what you are going through now. My wife was not MLC - just temporarily overtaken by sowing her oats. I could have saved my marriage after the short 1 year time of insanity. You unfortunately may have to wait some more for your W to come to her senses. She does sound like she has some serious depression issues that may involve some intervention eventually.
BTW... DJ is a loser taking advantage of a confused woman. He abandoned his family for a woman at her lowest point who is over 6-8000 miles away and 20 years removed from him. Even if your wife were to have a full blown affair with him, it would fail. I understand your frustration with this dirt bag. I recommend something like I did - go hit some baseballs named DJ at a batting cage...Hit a heavy bag (also named DJ)...split some DJ wood...Kick some field goals with a ball named DJ...etc...
Saving your marriage is a noble thing to do. Raising kids on your own can be difficult. I believe you know that you can do it which ever way the cards fall. And I know that you desire your intact family more than anything just as I did. I really hope that you can wait this one out as you have some real hope in saving your marriage. Your wife shows occasional signs of missing the family bond, but she has some personal hurdles to go through without much of your help. In time, she will see what a great guy you are. I know that mine did, but too late.
Strength and Honor... "Strength to do the right thing even if it hurts you. Honor to do the right thing all of the time."
They do make those threats with such conviction BUT.... if you show the compassion, be nonjudgemental, Validate, and keep practicing over and over because you will screw it up. They don't know that you screw it up. You get to learn each time you screw it up. When you are consistent, the anger in your W MAY burn out or start to ratchet down. Then you will know you are doing something right. The threats with conviction will get to be less and less. Then they MAY start coming your way only to go back and forth many,many,many times. Each time throwing you through a little bit of hell. But there still will be a long way to go. Baby steps is the way it works here. Keep working out. Kills your stress. Makes you stronger. Makes you run up stairs, gives you endurance cause that will help you get through the rough spots ahead. NO SHORTCUTS WITH ALIENS. If you do, they contact the mothership. More bad trips for you and more bad scenes. They are very much like BORG if you watch any Star Trek. They adapt to some of your techniques and try to push your buttons with another way. I am guilty of looking at far too many details too. If you do it right, you won't see progress daily but every month will go by and you will begin to recognize some change. Maybe very little but that is ok because this all takes a long time. Even longer than long.
"She does sound like she has some serious depression issues that may involve some intervention eventually."
My wife is experiencing major depression. I see it in her eyes. I mentioned her excessive sleeping and her isolating herself in her apartment in a recent, previous thread. My kids and I returned from Hawaii this past Friday. On Saturday my wife had the kids. She told me she and our daughter took a three hour nap that afternoon. On Sunday morning I had to call her for some reason, called around 9:40a, and she was just getting up. Sunday afternoon she took another long nap. She told me this when she came to the house to pick up our daughter, who, I might add, doesn't sleep as much as my wife, and she's only 2 yrs old.
About the 'intervention', what would you recommend? In the past year I've asked my wife to get her hormones checked (didn't go well), go have a full physical check up (she finally did, but in China, with her uncle, who is a heart specialist, no blood work), have asked her to attend marriage counseling and/or church with me a handful of times and she's always refused. Just yesterday I asked her to attend marriage counseling before making any rash decisions about the marriage and she said no.
Anyhow, long story long, I have no clue what type of intervention might work. She appears to be making effort to re-connect with her parents and our son, but, other than complaining to her parents about me being satan re-incarnate, doesn't confide in anyone except DJ. She doesn't hang out with other woman, and I think it's a safe assumption to say that she's too proud to confide her problems to any [female] friend at work.Did I already mention that I hate DJ?
The one thing you have to understand in all this is, you can't fix this for her! She has to face the issues she has that are internal and work on them on her own. This is her journey and hers alone.
You have your own issues to work on. Just be glad that you face yours while not having a MLC.
No interventions, the only thing it will do is push her further away. She's asking for space, give it to her. She will deal with herself when/if she is ready to. You can not make this process go faster. Be warned though, you can lengthen it by trying to intervene.
The advice you're given is to possibly explain what is going on with your W. It is not given for you to take action concerning her. Any action you take needs to be for you and your kids.
You can not control her. The only one you can control is yourself.
This is hard and it takes a long time. Ask yourself if you think you can outlast your W's MLC. If the answer is yes, you can help pass the time by working on becoming the best possible YOU!
"Ask yourself if you think you can outlast your W's MLC. If the answer is yes, you can help pass the time by working on becoming the best possible YOU!"
For the simple fact that her crisis could go on indefinitely, I wouldn't know how to honestly and objectively answer that question with any type of concrete timeline in mind. And, I also am fully and painfully aware that the only person I can intervene on is myself. As far as outlasting my wife's crisis, the one thing I can say with 100% confidence and certainty is that, unless she were to hurt the kids in some way, I know I have the endurance to put up with her shenanigan's indefinitely. Kitty is the only woman I've been with in my life (out of principle), I'm stubborn like a mule, and I'm too ignorant and stupid to know when to give up. It's in the DNA...
I'm stubborn like a mule, and I'm too ignorant and stupid to know when to give up.
Are you too stubborn to let go and let God?
Eric
Last edited by ericmsant2; 08/25/1001:16 PM.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I hope not. Only time will tell. At this point in time, I'm still too tied up in this mess (emotionally) to give you an honest answer one way or another.
