from the beginning to now

[norstar]

I figure I would start from the start so everyone can better understand.

I joined the AF May of 97 after losing a fiance and my job. After basic training I went to Wichita Falls, Tx. to learn my job in the AF. There I meet my first wife. we got married after weeks of knowing each other. We moved to Utah for our first duty station. Sept 98 our first was DD was born. Things were ok for awhile. Then I felt she was not into the marriage and things just went down hill. We got stationed for a year apart and DD had to stay with my parents. We would talk on the phone but she would always talk about other guys and her ventures around her base. I would talk about my ventures and the people I meet.

I got back in the states first and was setting up an apartment for her return and left mour DD with my parents until the apartment was ready. One week while setting getting things put away, I get a phone call from my dad. He asks me if I got my surprise yet and I thought he was talking about money or something. He informed me that my wife had picked up my daughter and headed to me. But the time she left she should have been home hours ago. I searched hotels just in case and called my dad back and told him I had no luck. He gave me a cell number that she gave him. I called it and she dropped the d-bomb. I ask for MC and she refused. She would not change her mind. I got domicile joint custody of my DD and it had been a fight since. The divorce was final April 03. Shortly after I bought my first house.

I dated for awhile. I even tried online dating. Then one day I talked to a woman who found me online. We talked for hours the first time on the phone. The next several days were the same. She flew down and we meet F2F May 04. She meet my DD and my mom. DD feel in love right away and so did she. She spent two weeks at my house and stated she is coming back to stay. June 19 we were married. My ex posed allot of problems for us. Even after she got married. Sept 05 DD2 was born. Things were good and not much longer after that we found out she was prego again. Jan 07 DD3 was born and that is when things went down hill. I was working 10 hrs or more five days a week and would sometimes work two weeks without a break. Wife was working part time, taking the girls to daycare and picking them up. When we had DD1 she would help her with homework and do dinner. After dinner DD1 would take her bath by herself and then the my wife would give the two little ones theirs. I am usually home just as dinner would hit the table or sleeping depended what shift I worked.I would help out once in awhile, but not as much as she would have liked.

I got order to Germany early 08. I lost the court case to bring DD1 with us and I got 32 stitches from our dog biting me in the face. We arrived Nov 08. My wife is a SAHM ( stay at home mom). I was still working 10+ hrs a day but no weekends (thank god). We didn't talk much and when we did it would be a fight. Sex was few and far between. I got deployed may last year. Before I left wife went to visit her mom and we got in a fight over the phone. She said I blew her off and never helped out with the kids or the house work. I explained to her that I was working long hrs and had allot of stress for ex and work.

We talked while I was in the desert, but something wasn't right. She was back in Germany with my mom. I e-mail her one day asking her if we were friends and she replied no. Not ong after she wrote a long e-mail state the same things we fought over the phone weeks earlier. But she added she wanted out of the marriage. I talked her into MC when I got back. Mid way through my tour I noticed strange posts on my wife's FB by a guy who she says is a friend of hers from High School. He then posted something on one of my thoughts that was way out of line. Saying I was an adultris and neglected my kids. I called her and he delete himself off my FB.

By now she went back to her mom's until my return. I also saw Pics of her in bars all done up and not wearing her rings. She said hers hands were hurting. She had been diagnosted with rhueamotoid arthritis or RA. I returned and she had the rings on and we talked nice for awhile but no touching of any kind was happening. It was awhile after my return before we did anything in the bedroom. During my RR time we went to Berlin to just get out and have fun with the girls. We started MC after we got back. She kept going ove what happen in Louisiana. I did make changes. I started to take the kids out on weekends, so she can have time to herself. About a month after I got back both kids started daycare. They go from 9am to 2pm. I was working mostly nights. Still working 10+ hrs a day. I finally talked my work to letting me work days to help spend more time with the family. Still going to MC we got the book "Fighting for your marriage." We keep saying we would do the excersizes in the book but we still have not.

We had good days and bad. We talked more and I helped more around the house. She would not start any of the conversations or sex acts. She even stated to me she could go the rest of her life with out. She agreed to try to have sex once a week and take atleast an hour to talk about us.

Right after christmas things went really south. Wife had a bad car accident and was lucky to be alive. Shortly after I got into some trouble at work. To top it all off we find out she is prego again. She does not want the child at all. I express to her That I do not agree with an abortion. She states the problems that RA have with being prego. I asked her to seek medical advice. She refused.

By now talking is getting worse and FB posts from this "buddy" are getting worse. So I put a keylogger on our computer. I ask her if she has told anyone about her being prego. She says no, but keylogger says she is lying. A female friend is telling her to leave me and get an abortion. The buddy is also getting PM's about how she misses him and he misses her. By the way he is about to have a kid himself and just got married. She takes a trip to her mom's again. She tells me she is not going to see any of her friends but one old girlfriend of hers. Her e-mails tells me she is inviting buddy to a bar for beers.

I cal her and she tells me in a calm voice that it was done (no more baby). I lost it and could not talk for hrs. When I got myself together I called her back to make sure she was ok and if the girls were ok. Which they all were good. She returned home the week after and I had thought about getting fixed. She said it was up to me. We have continued MC and I started IC.

By this time work is worst then hell and we are still on the border of. I confronted her on her lying and EA. She had went to IC but has not been for monthes. I wish she would go and I wish she would stop lying. She says she wants to work things out but continues to lie and I am about to call it quiets. Not sure what else to do.

[A_goodman]

Norstar,

I'm sorry you are here, but you came to the right place. My advice to you is while you wait for the big guns to find you and start posting their thoughts, read as many threads as you can. You can start working on yourself right now.

This place will help you. A lot. Listen to what others have fought through and are facing still and start making mission plans. You have a long road ahead of you, but if you follow the advice instead of your heart. You can get through this.

Good Luck. And thank you for serving my country.

[Ready2Change]

She says she wants to work things out but continues to lie and I am about to call it quiets. Not sure what else to do.

Learn new ways to communicate. Set boundaries. Read the boundaries thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2062317&page=all

[norstar]

Sorry I did out allot of details. I knew this was going to be long. I have been going to IC for about 7 monthes now. I have told her that lying during our MC would not help us and lying is not helping at all. I found out the buddy she was talking to was an ex boy friend and had lyed to me for years about that fact. I just am starting to feel hopeless but I know we need to work this out for our girls.

[john28]

Basically you need to set a boundary of NC (No contact) with the OM (other man). She needs to stop all contact with him before any of this can get better. Have you asked her to do this?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would suggest you start by striking the word "buddy" from your vocabulary. Your wife is having an AFFAIR.

The sooner you begin to deal with that reality -- even in your own wording -- the sooner your heart and head will begin to adjust.

Puppy

[norstar]

I was using buddy because that was her words. I know it was an affair. I even told her that she was cheating and ask her what I did to deserve it. She said nothing, but she started with him because he knew her and she is afraid to talk to me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I was using buddy because that was her words.

Precisely my point. Don't USE her words. Use TRUTH.


Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Why is she afraid to talk to you??

Puppy

[norstar]

I tend to be direct and brutally honest with what I say. I think she is afraid of how my reaction would be.

I have been a person who is open and not afraid to say what is on my mind. I am working on monitoring how I say things, so not to hurt feelings.

My wife tends to get defensive and shuts down. So we tend to handle confrentation differently.